A Modern Girl's Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse

Large Hadron Collider Update: Just Come Out and Say it Already - Miss Conquest

2011-07-25T15:42:00.000-07:00

The mysteriously mad scientists over there working on the Large Hadron Collider have disclosed that they expect to know whether or not the illusive "God Particle" exists by the end of next year.

Now, I may not know what the hell a "God Particle" is, but I can certainly decode what "the end of next year" means. What you really meant to say there Mr. Mad Scientist was: "We will most likely end the world in DECEMBER 2012."

If you're not familiar with this Dr. Evil-style-Insta-Blackhole-Death-Ray they've got going on under the border of France and Switzerland, well neither am I. Every time someone tries to explain that it's "the worlds largest and highest-energy particle accelerator" my eyes glaze over and I start imagining Dr. Sam Beckett jumping into the Quantum Leap Accelerator -- and vanishing. He awakes to find himself trapped in the past, facing mirror images that are not his own...

Fine. But I'm not that far off base. From my understanding, answering the age-old time travel and multiple dimensions questions were just some of the goals for building this doomsday device. But so far, that seems to be a no-go. (Duh. Everyone knows that to time travel you need a DeLorean. Psh.)

What you DON"T need are roads.

Anyhow... the important thing to note here is not what they want to do with this Collider, but what they might accidentally do with it. Like create a black hole and NEGATE OUR EXISTENCE.

Oops.

And there have been so many setbacks with the damn thing that even the Mad Scientists behind it believe that their future selves are trying to sabotage them in an attempt to stop them from destroying the world (even though time travel isn't...never mind).

And NOW they're planning on completing a hefty part of their mission by THE END OF NEXT YEAR. Have we learned nothing from Lord Voldemort, Mad Scientists? You don't fuck with self-fulfiling prophecies! It never turns out well for you! And in this case, for ANY of us living on this planet! So maybe you wanna push your schedule back a bit. What's the rush? There's nothing wrong with say... April 2014? I hear Switzerland is lovely in the springtime.

Seriously. If a bunch of Mad Scientists negate existence with the flick of a switch, I know some people who are going to be piiiisssssssed off that they've put so much time and energy into War and Global Warming.

No one likes an angry elephant.

Spiked Beauty - Miss Death

2011-03-12T14:41:00.000-08:00

These days style must be matched with function. That necklace? Better also be a choker (that will...you know, actually choke somebody). Those shoes - well, they don't call them stilettos for nothing! That adorable bag? Can it conceal an automatic weapon? It better. Rule #1 of End of World Fashion: Dress it up anyway you like, but make sure the firepower is deadly.

Lady Gaga: Prepared for the Apocalypse since 2008.

When I saw this beautiful line of claw jewelry by Dilan Walpola on the ever handy trendhunter.com, I thought - now that's a man with his neck bolts screwed on right! Style, beauty and utility.

I can only imagine that he was inspired by the string of mutations that have befallen humans recently. But for those of us who are still waiting for our fangs, scissorhands, and automatic weapon legs, it wouldn't hurt to load up on some of these. No one - be it zombie, alien, looter, or just your average Mr. Saturday Night Bar Douchebag, will mess with you if you flash them one of these babies.

Dilan's Fall Line, coming to a Bloomingdales near you.

There's no time! There's never any time! - Miss Conquest

2011-03-08T20:34:00.000-08:00

I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...so...eh, you know the rest.

You said it, sister. Now pass the caffeine pills. And if you wouldn't mind, could you grind them up first and just shoot them directly into my veins? Thanks. We've got some serious work to do.

In today's segment of "No Shit, Sherlock," scientists have determined that humans are bigger assholes than meteorites. According to The Daily Mail, all of our filthy human habits are going to cause a mass extinction of 75% of all life sometime in the next three to twenty centuries.

This is NOT cool people! Are you aware of how long it takes to plan a good End of The World Party?? You are simply not giving us enough time! My to-do list is the length of Charlie Sheen's coke lines!

Save the dates need to go out, caterers need to be booked. Do you know how hard it is to find someone that will cook both humans and FOR humans? The Colosseum needs a good once over with a dust rag and a vacuum (Seriously, their general upkeep is terrible.). We need to make sure R.E.M. is free to play that day (so hard to pin down). The girls and I need to go shopping for the perfect frocks (this IS the most important day of a Horsewoman's life after all), and find the perfect escorts - you can't simply go to The End of the World Bash with just anyone! Quick! What does Clooney's 2311 looks like. Is he booked?

Anyhoo. The Daily Mail is using the ever popular tactic of showing you some adorable animals to convince you to go all superhero and save the world. And gdamn it's effective!

"Plastic bottles hurt my gentle soul."

"Turn off those lights or I'll cry! ...And my mom might rip out your throat. Maybe."

Secretly plotting to put human muzzles on us in our sleep. And then cackle at us in the most playful way!

But let me try a different approach:

I know we're all anxious for the end of the world here, people. No one is more anxious than we are. Trust me. But you can't rush perfection. And believe me, you want this party to be perfect. This is your final sendoff! So if you want to be sure that we've supplied the absolute best wine for this soirée, and that we've booked all the best bands, and that this is the best damn End of Days Party you could never imagine even in your wildest dreams - RECYCLE! Go a little greener, people! Come ON! Would it kill you to buy a freakin electric car? Put up a solar panel or two! If not for the sake of these poor creatures...and you know, 75% of ALL LIFE! then do it just to give a gal a little extra time to plan a party! Is that so much to ask???

We Buy It!

2011-03-08T18:33:00.000-08:00

The good folks at www.cuttingroomcomic.com have placed their vote on the cause of this here Armageddon, and frankly, it isn't a bad hypothesis at all!

What do you think? Is this flood of fiery sulfur we're experiencing all because God is really just a frustrated Firefly fan? And what do you think he thinks of Castle??

Discuss!

Oh you silly Mayans.

2011-03-07T10:48:00.000-08:00

Mayans: Punking future generations since 2000BC.

This Apocalyptic Picture of the Day has been brought to you by failblog.org. Winning at Failing!

Spotted: It's a Zombie! It's an Alien! It's...Charlie Sheen? - Miss War

2011-03-01T11:54:00.000-08:00

Good People of What's Left of Planet Earth:

We here at the Offices For Orchestrating & Surviving the Apocalypse have taken a sworn oath to warn you about any hideous and dangerous new monster sitings.

We've recently spotted a brand new creature. Consider this an Official Advisory for :

The Zombie-Alien Hybrid

Please help control the monster population and have your Zombies and Aliens spayed or neutered.

We Horsewomen never thought we would see the day when Zombies and Aliens bred, but as Miss Conquest will tell you, the Apocalypse can make you kinda desperate.

The Creature is thought to be extremely drunk, highly crazy, and potentially dangerous (although thus far, it has only proven to be a danger to itself and CBS).

News of the Creature first hit before the actual Apocalypse. We foolishly ignored the signs when CBS continuously renewed TWO AND A HALF MEN even after we were certain Mr. Sheen had surely destroyed himself. We should have seen what was really going on. The studio and network were actually experimenting with early forms of reanimation. By the time we accepted that Charlie Sheen was really a walking-dead puppet, zombies were already commonplace in our theaters and television sets.

Test Subject #4. Still working out that pesky facial reconstruction thing.

We're also no stranger to Aliens in the Entertainment World. It's something we've simply gotten used to.

Aliens: Vacationing on Planet Earth since the early '70s.

But recently, whole new threat has landed on the streets.

At first we didn't know what to make of it. The Creature looked like Zombie Sheen but had taken on a whole new level of Crazy. Finally, yesterday, the Creature came forward and confessed what it truly was. It told us that: “I’m tired of pretending like I’m not special. I’m tired of pretending like I’m not bitchin’, a total freakin’ rock star from Mars.”

It all makes so much more sense now.

"I have come to mate with your porn stars, melt your faces, and take your money."

IF YOU SEE IT:
Throwing money and hookers at the Creature seems to subdue it for a few moments, allowing you enough time to run away. It's not very fast and easily trips over its own words and thought processes.

Shiny...

WARNING:
Whatever you do, do NOT feed it drugs and alcohol. This seems to be as dangerous as feeding a Mogwai after midnight.

Just added to the 2011-2012 CBS Lineup.

Let's Just Ignore That Hiatus - Miss War

2010-09-21T19:33:00.000-07:00

When did we last post a blog...let's see here. Jesus Christmas! June 11?? Time flies when it doesn't exist.

Important Updates from Our Hiatus: Same shit, different day. Frankly, there just wasn't much to report. BP killed off the Gulf (which saved us loads of time.) Justin Cronin came out with the Vampire Bible known as "The Passage," and we got tan this summer. Hallefreakinlujah.

The office doors are open and we are hard at work blogging again (can you hear us? Blog bloggity blog blog.) We also just hired a new freelance writer to help us out because the dude levels around this office were running dangerously low.

Meet Martin. He is our new freelance blogger and he is a boy. That pretty much summed up everything that we knew about him until about a week ago. Then things got interesting.

Martin is a bit green. He's wet behind the ears. He's willing, eager and stupid. How he convinced us to let him write for us, I will never know. All I know is that Miss Death has been throwing her clavicle up in his face all week like a cheap zombie trick. Thankfully, the kid can string two sentences together in some semblance of a blog post, so we'll keep him around for now. But I digress.

There's one hell of a zombie virus running amok. Just like flu season, it comes and goes, but this outbreak has been bad. Nearly everyone we're friends with has come down with it. So it goes without saying that our easily excited and not-very-smart freelancer, Martin, got caught with his proverbial pants down one night while jogging through the neighborhood and long story short, the kid's a damn zombie now.

He's doing well considering. Once the projectile bloody vomiting subsided and his orifices stopped leaking and he took a shower, he's fairly back to normal, apart from the whole "becoming a zombie" thing. He's actually getting out more. We suspect he had a date last week with the zombie secretary from the office next door.

But since this whole zombie thing is still new to Martin, the real problems haven't started yet. See, zombie-ism comes with a whole new set of problems if you will. There's the constant oozing, the agonizing pain as your cells die, and the leprosy. Martin will, within a few weeks, literally go to pieces right before our very eyes. Moisturize all you like, Martin. Your skin is still going to fall off.

We did what we thought was best and took a bunch of bets at Martin's expense. We've got a really solid pool going right now on which body part will fall off first. I have $25 on his fingers going first. Miss Death put $40 on his legs. And Miss Famine is just a filthy dirtball.

If he hopes to get anywhere with this secretary, he's going to have to do it fast.

We'll keep you updated on Martin and his zombie shortcomings, and we also solemnly vow to keep blogging! No more hiatus.No more messing around. We are serious, damnit! Blog bloggity blog blog!

Until next time, here's hoping Miss Famine is wrong - for Martin's sake.

The Horsewomen are World Cup bound! Thanks, BP! - Miss Famine

2010-06-11T12:59:00.000-07:00

I woke up very early today. And I am not a morning person. But today there was a spring in my step as I hopped out of bed, threw on my team's colors, and trotted down to our local pub to watch Mexico take on hosts South Africa in the kick off game of the 2010 FIFA World Cup! It ended in a tie, but what a game! Mexico scored in the first two minutes! I hadn't even had a chance to order my breakfast (bangers and mash anyone?) and people were already up and doing victory dances. God I love soccer. And I think God loves soccer too.

In general, I'm about as big of a sports fan as I am a morning fan. Apparently the NBA finals are going on? Someone mentioned something about last night's Lakers/Celtics game. And all I could think was, Hold a tic. I thought Ireland didn't make the tournament this year...

But then my bloody mary arrived and my attention reverted to the sporting event at hand (and the spicy beverage in MY hand).

The girls and I love the World Cup. We have a countdown to it every four years. And thank goodness the time difference this year is such that we're not going to repeat the Sleepless Summer of '02.

There's something special about soccer. Maybe it's the way it unites the world. Like the Olympics, Round Two. Maybe it's the ~~obsession~~ passion that the fans have for their teams that leads to monster ~~riots~~ celebrations the world over. Maybe it's the fact that it's a great excuse to drink during the work day.

We could learn a thing or two from the Europeans. Like, NBA finals should be played at 11am. On a Tuesday.

I spent a lot of time pondering why soccer is so awesome this morning. And finally sometime around my third bloody mary, Miss Conquest reached over and smacked me upside the head. "Stop nattering to yourself, Famine. People are looking at you funny, and it's not because of your scythe. The players are why we watch soccer. They're hot."

I'm not quite as shallow as Miss Conquest. I like the intense competition. The sportsmanship. The fact that soccer most likely evolved from a sport where players kicked a human head around a field. (All who think they should bring back that tradition, say Ay! I'm writing a letter to FIFA.)

But she has a point. Example: Miss War's favorite team? France. Why? Yoann Gourcuff.

Bordeaux is now officially War's favorite wine AND team.

We all know Miss Conquest is a pure blooded American Girl, so she has no trouble at all cheering for the USofA and its captain, Carlos Bocanegra.

The REAL Captain America

And Miss Death's favorite player?

Surprise. Surprise.

According to her, the fact that Becks is sidelined with an injury just means he gets to dress better than everybody else.

We're now in the midst of the Uruguay/France game, which is off to a much slower start than --

WHAT?! Miss Death just ran into the pub with the most amazing news:

"BP can't get more tankers to even BEGIN dealing with the oil spill until JULY now! They've got the Apocalypse COVERED. Let's take a vacation!!!"

And we're off!!

See ya later, readers! The girls and I are headed to South Africa!!!

And thanks Oil Industry for making our jobs easy and sponsoring this here Apocalypse!

THE APOCALYPSE

Brought to you by your friends at BP

Learning to Love Life After LOST - Miss War

2010-05-21T17:03:00.000-07:00

We're approaching "The End." And I'm preparing to mourn. As of this Sunday (11:31pm PST), I will be a regular Queen Victoria.

They say she was mourning her Prince. I say she was mourning TWIN PEAKS.

But to be honest, I'm already starting to spiral. I can already feel the harrowing, gaping hole that will be left when...

What? I am NOT over-dramatic! How DARE you!?

Sigh.

Ok. You're right. I took a sacred vow to help you all survive the Apocalypse. And it's game time, people. Because if the end of LOST isn't the end of the World, I don't know what is. So the last thing I should be doing right now is sobbing silently while curled up in a corner.

I know, I know. I can hear you all loud and clear: "Suck it up, War!" "It's just a flipping TV show!" "Do your JOB!"

Well stop shouting already!!! I get it. You need your "guidance." Your "survival tips." Fine.

Babies.

So here it is. A list of things to help you survive this horrible, traumatic, painful void you're about to experience. My advice for defeating LOST Withdrawal, aka:

Miss War's Helping Hands: Learning to Love Life After LOST.

(Coming soon to a bookseller near you.)

"Stage One: preparation. For this you will need: one room which you will not leave; one mattress; tomato soup, ten tins of; mushroom soup, eight tins of, for consumption cold; ice cream, vanilla, one large tub of; Magnesia, Milk of, one bottle; paracetamol; mouth wash; vitamins; mineral water; Lucozade; pornography --" Wait. Well, the pornography is optional.

1.) MAD MEN
Matthew Weiner's Emmy-hogging love/hate song to the 60's may not have the maddening island conundrums of LOST, but Don Draper is hands down our new favorite Man of Mystery. Add in a cast of ridiculously flawed characters, vague and haunting pasts, and a decade that's more explosive than Jughead, and you've got one hell of a water cooler show. Just fix yourself an Old Fashioned, put on your pillbox hat, and catch up on the first three seasons while patiently (read: anxiously) awaiting Season Four - set to premier on Sunday, July 25 on AMC.

2 oz Burbon
2 dashes of bitters
1 splash of water
1 tsp of superfine sugar (superfine!)
1 maraschino cherry
1 orange wedge

2.) Reconnect With Your Non-LOST-Lovin' Friends.
You remember them, right? You may have last talked to them sometime around the summer of 2004, right before you started spouting theories about purgatory and the Hanso Corp. Well, they miss you. Take them out to dinner. Buy them a beer. Apologize for being insane for the last six years, and then try engaging in conversations about less controversial topics. Like politics. And religion.

3.) READ
LOST did not, and does not, exist in a vacuum. The producers love to "book-bomb" episodes, especially via the nick-name savvy Sawyer, and they've openly discussed their literary influences. (Steven King's canon, specifically "The Stand" and "The Dark Tower" series are confirmed influences.) There are even novels that the producers haven't mentioned, but have been sighted and dissected by a bunch of crazy LOST bloggers and critics (ahem, Doc Jensen).

It's no secret. Unlike Most TV shows, Lost desperately wants us to expand our minds. And there's something here for everyone. Whether you're looking to further your understanding of physics and the space/time continuum, open your soul to new philosophies, or simply reacquaint yourself with the classics, Lost has a book for you!

Here are just a few suggestions to kick off your summer reading list:

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass - by Lewis Carroll
Both have inspired more episode titles than any other book ("Through the Looking Glass," "White Rabbit"). In "The Lighthouse," Jack's Sideways Son, David, is reading the The Annotated Alice. Also, both books contain themes that are, ahem, mirrored ad nauseam in LOST.

The Brief History of Time - by Steven Hawking
Steven Hawking's attempt to explain Space, Time, and Physics to us non-geniuses. Seen on Ben's bookshelf, and it's a pretty safe bet that Hawking is the namesake of one Ms. Eloise Hawking, Governess of Time and Space.

Haroun and the Sea of Stories - by Salman Rushdie
Variable Desmond is reading this before he mysteriously disappears form Sideways Flight 815. Also, confirmed but reliable crazy man, Doc Jensen, is CONVINCED this book serves as a bedrock for Season 6.

BE HERE NOW - by Ram Dass (aka: Richard Alpert)
Let me try that again. By RICHARD ALPERT. A book on spirituality and meditation written by Ricardos' namesake. There are 108 pages in it. One might be so inclined to flip to pages 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42. Oh, and LOOK AT THE COVER.

Of Mice and Men -by John Steinbeck
Oh Sawyer, you quippy, pessimistic, lovable Redneck. Of COURSE Steinbeck is your favorite author. Every time you get even remotely close to the American Dream, someone up and yanks it out from under you. It's useless. Will anyone ever let you play house? For a better and more intimate understanding of your favorite conman, Steinbeck's classic is a must-read.

For a more comprehensive list of Lost Literature, hop on over to Lostpedi a.

4.) TRAVEL
Hey, everybody! Guess what! There's a whole wide world out there, and it exists OUTSIDE of your TV screen!

So you've spent six years immersed in a fictional world. Now what? Where do you start?

Let LOST be your guide! Start off with a relaxing vacation in Oahu, Hawaii. You can sunbath on the crash site beach, hike through the Ka'a'awa Valley, then go swimming in the Waimea Falls.

When you've had enough fun in the sun, take a conscience-bending tour of the British Isles and follow in Desmond's time-slipping footsteps. Start in Desmond's home country of Scotland. Give Edinburgh and the Highlands a whirl, but come prepared for some "end of the world type weather." Then take the rail down for a few days in London, home of Widmore Industries. London is full of life and magic - pay careful attention to street performers. You never know when you're going to stumble across a has-been rock star doing a cover of Oasis' "Wonderwall." Finally, rush over to Oxford for some highbrow discussions about space/time. And rats.

If you're feeling REALLY brave, jet off to the Outback itself. Sydney is only the beginning of your Australian adventure. Gear up for a traditional Walkabout. Then hit the beach for some serious surfing (watch out for Dharma sharks), and finally take a tour of some traditional Australian farms. Whatever you do, do not return to Los Angeles via any flight with a number that contains 8, 1, or 5. We'd say Flight 397 is probably your best bet.

"Guys, where are we?" "Oahu, you moron."

So here we go! Life after LOST! I'm ready for it. I really am. And I hope you are now too. If you have more ideas for how to deal with the void, share your thoughts below!

Namaste,
Miss War

Happy Zombie Easter, ya'll!

2010-04-05T07:47:00.000-07:00

Even after the Apoc, Easter is still considered a big deal! The undead unfreeze from winter hibernation and began to roam the wasteland that is Earth once more. AND I get to wear flip flops. WOOT!

We don't hide eggs anymore though (no chickens,) we hide chocolate covered body parts. The zombies really dig it.

Happy Zombie Easter, everyone! May your body parts not be covered in chocolate and hidden in little piles of plastic grass!

Phew.

2010-04-01T18:02:00.000-07:00

Just kidding.

APRIL FOOLS!!

Oh...NO!

2010-04-01T18:00:00.000-07:00

Hey guess what everybody!

The World ISN'T ending!

Zombies Don't Eat Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats THEM. With a side of ketchup. And a pickle. - Miss War

2010-02-11T17:17:00.000-08:00

Let us never again say that the Apocalypse is giving us craptastic movies! In the wake of the shocking announcement that Sony will reboot the Spider-Man franchise with a younger, grittier, "Twilightier" version, we're now hearing (very faint) buzz that Paul Haggis is looking to give the same treatment to his classic series,"Walker, Texas Ranger."

BTW: THIS guy is being tapped as the new "gritty" Spidey. When he blinks, his eyelids say "Badass" and "Awesome."

But how, you ask, could they EVER make Chuck Norris even grittier and badassier than he already is!!!??

Only Chuck Norris has the answer. And he's not in a sharing mood.

Well, after defeating every villain known to the West with his left pinkie, Chuck Norris went into a deep depression. But then as luck would have it, the Apocalypse hit! And he was back and better than ever! Single-handedly stopping tsunamis by drinking entire oceans in a single gulp. Eradicating subsequent droughts by taking an extended piss. Who was there to slingshot the aliens back into orbit? Chuck Norris, that's who! And who stopped California from slipping into the Pacific after The Big One by sewing tectonic plates back together with his own muscle fibers!? You guessed it! Chuck Norris! (Worry not, he's got enough muscle to wrap around the earth 47,000 times.)

While we have zero confirmation that plans for this already-classic-masterpiece even exists (pleasepleaseplease), it is our apoca-sworn duty to speculate on (read: make up) every possible detail. Word from a mildly reliable source says the title will be DARK RANGER. Nice. Original. Like it. And the plot will feature Chuck Norris going fist to sledge-hammer fist with his most vicious nemesis to date...

ZOMBIES.

Real ones. NOT drunken trick-or-treaters.

But Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Zombies. When Chuck Norris kills you, you STAY dead. And when zombies try to eat Chuck Norris they choke on his titanium bones. And then he pieces himself back together. Chuck Norris invented undead.

It looks like some zombies are about to get their shit. Fucked. UP.

I can only assume that the sequel will show us the most terrifying creature known to man: ZOMBIE CHUCK NORRIS. I imagine that the plot will involve him roundhouse-kicking Satan in the face. Satan will then cry like a little bitch and hand over the Throne of Hell to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris will laugh at him, spit on the Throne, and then go skinny dipping in the River Styx.

Eternal Nightmares

If DARK RANGER isn't in the works, it SHOULD BE. Comment below to sign our petition. If you don't, Chuck Norris will...well you know.

How do zombies tweet? With their iPhones! (what? zombies need cell phones too...)- Miss War

2010-02-04T16:26:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday, Mr. Romero!!

In honor of visionary director George Romero's 70th birthday, the evil-tastic folks at FEARnet.com have officially declared today TWEET LIKE A ZOMBIE DAY! We can only imagine this is somewhat like Talk Like a Pirate Day, except you only have 140 characters with which to type "Arrrrrrrrrrrg!"

"Arrrg, braiiins arrrrrg mother smurfer!" Hm. Zombies DO talk like Pirates. And Smurfs.

Today we remember Romero's great contribution to the apocalypse: The Modern Zombie. Before his masterpiece, NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD , rising from the dead had a VERY different connotation...

But thanks to Romero, today we can enjoy:

Buddy Zombies

Baby Zombies

And Dancing Zombies

So head on over to FEARnet.com, where all day they're paying tribute to the Master of Horror by posting interviews, streaming zombie-esque movies, teaching you how to move like a zombie, and other fun and festive grunt-worthy entertainment!

But don't forget to first go TWEET like a Zombie!

ILuvWar is at McBrains w @Zombibrains & @humnsrtasty! NomNomArg!

Braaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnsss!
Miss War

Valentine's Day Gets Our Blood Pumping... - Miss War

2010-02-04T13:00:00.000-08:00

...and our bowels moving. Maybe that's just me.

Check out this sweetness from FML.

"Today, my boyfriend informed me that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, he'd kill me before I got infected. FML."

We beg to differ! That's not an FML situation! That's very sweet and endearing and if any of us had a boy/halfbreed/creature say that to us, we'd get all misty-eyed and maybe pee just a little.

We will be spending Valentine's Day out and about this year! The four of us girls have plans to catch a viewing of Spinal Tap at Coolidge Corner, and then we're going out to gorge ourselves on Red Velvet cupcakes with blood red frosting from KickAss Cupcakes in Davis.

How do you intend to spend your Valentine's Day, little zombies? And don't say "hanging by a noose." We don't need the melodrama.

Favorite LOST Moments!! (Febuary2ndissocloseIcantasteit) - Miss War

2010-01-31T20:26:00.000-08:00

******SPOILERS******

(If you haven’t watched the previous seasons, that is. I’ve got nuthin for Season 6. Even our powers aren't that strong. Sorry.)

The Beginning of the End is near. VERY near. Like two-fucking-days near.

We Horsewomen have never hidden our love for the amazingrevolutionarybestshowofalltime: LOST. It's insanely apocalyptic -- Time travel, epic battles of good and evil, giant statues, fucking smoke monsters, purple skies, moving islands, and hot doctors, con-men, torturers, and rock stars. Still don't believe that it's got the apoco-chops to rate high on our obsession-meter? Last year, Juliet (Elizabeth Mitchell) detonated a HYDROGEN bomb. With her BARE hands.

So how do these final days of LOST signal the end of the [our] world? What do you think we’ve been DOING with ourselves these last 5 years???? And what are we going to DO when it’s all over??? Sure, MAD MEN gives us fodder for discussion with their fancy character flaws and deep and sociological ponderings. But where are the crazy sci-fi theories!!!!? They’re over there at the newest entry in the Fate vs. Destiny war, Flash Forward, but it’s still a young show and we have yet to see if the characters can capture our hearts the way the Losties have. So unless God Whedon manages to get something NEW on the air, and FAST, we’re pretty certain the world as we know it will probably end when Jack opens his eyes for the very last time this May.

To celebrate this epic event, I want to relive some of my FAVORITE MOMENTS OF LOST:

(I tried to do just 10… I really REALLY tried…)

11. Hurley explains the island to his mother. (5.2 “The Lie”)

Wracked with immeasurable guilt over leaving and lying, Hurley finally breaks down and confesses the truth. In doing so, he took on the role of a crazed LOST fan trying to explain to their non-fan friends what this show is about. It was an inside joke that had us all laughing and crying and nodding our heads in solidarity with Hurley.

I feel your pain, dude.

10. Charlie shares his imaginary peanut butter with Claire. (1.8 “Confidence Man”)

Because despite quantum physics and complicated power wars, this show is about the characters and their relationships. And nowhere is that more apparent than in this adorable and tragic psudofamily and their quest for normalcy via…peanut butter.

He's a rock star AND invents sweet treats. Sexy!

9. Locke teaches Walt Backgammon. (1.2 “Pilot”)

Because they had the balls to give away the store in the first two hours of the series. God damn they’re good.

"Two players. Two sides. One is light, one is dark."

8. Sawyer lies about meds to get a kiss from Kate. (1.8 “Confidence Man”)

God I love this episode. And I love me some Sawyer/Kate/Jack love triangle. There are so many great moments between these three – “Caught in a net,” “Sex in a Cage,” Jack and Kate get engaged, Sawyer and Juliet play house… but the fact that Sawyer endured being "torture by a damn spinal surgeon and a genuine Iraqi solder" makes this the hottest kiss of all.

Oh, Sawyer. Who wouldn't want to be tied to a tree in a Jungle of Mystery with you?

7. “We’re gonna have to take the boy.” (1.24 “Exodus, Part 2”)

For those of us who watched from the beginning, this moment was an evil twisting knife to the gut right before THREE WHOLE MONTHS of LOST radio silence. (Remember when the hiatuses were only three months?) A jaw-dropping moment that made us realize that LOST would mess with us for whole seasons at a time. And we only loved it more for that.

Tricksy little Lost writers, making us think "the boy" was Aaron. * slaps forehead. Repeatedly. *

6. Keamy kills Alex. (4.9 “The Shape of Things to Come”)

This is when LOST went from jaw-dropping to gut-dropping. “They’re not going to do go there. Nah, that’s not going to hap…. Wait. He’s going to do it. Oh my god he’s actually going to shot –“ BANG!

5. The reveal of Jacob’s Cabin (and the “Ghost in the Chair”). (3.20 “The Man Behind The Curtain”)

The moment a show that was twisty, mysterious, with a sci-fi edge finally took the plunge into the supernatural. And we followed it like freaking Alice through the rabbit hole.

Pay no attention to the Man behind the Curtain. Or actually pay lots of attention. In fact, analyze the shit out of that screencap.

4. Holy Shit! Locke was in a wheelchair! (1.4 “Walkabout")

The first true “WTF!?” moment of the series. We knew things were a little funky before this episode (Smoky, The Numbers), but this moment officially locked (pun intended) this series in as the most daring, unique show on television.

Locke gets super pissed off when you try to tell him what he can't do. You know, like walk...or come back from the dead...

3. Desmond and Penny’s Christmas Eve Phone Call. (4.5 “The Constant”)

If you weren’t crying like a little bitch during this quick-cut emotional scene, you have no soul. No. For real. You may want to have that checked out. Desmond and Penny’s love affair is the tender heart of LOST, and what could possibly be more romantic than a phone call that unites these lovers through space AND time? And on Christmas!

Like a baby...weeping...sobbing...jingle bells...

2. Ben kills Locke. (5.7 “The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham”)

Quite possibly the most brilliantly acted scene in LOST (dare I say on television?). Locke's utter desperation. Ben’s ultimate manipulation. Chills.

Ben finally figures out something that Locke can't do. Breathe.

1. “Not Penny’s Boat.” (3.22 “Through the Looking Glass”)

I’m sorry… I can’t even discuss this one… the computer is shorting out... from my tears.

Hero.

So what are your favorite moments? Share them below and we can discuss ad nauseam and annoy the rest of the world.

The Rename the iTampon Game - Miss Conquest

2010-01-29T16:34:00.000-08:00

Let's face it. We've stopped counting Apple Announcements as signs of the apocalypse. They happen every few months and the world never ends as a result, no matter how much we want it to. (Remember when we all thought The Beatles were coming to iTunes? Dirty dirty lies!)

So this week, you may have been hiding in your bomb shelter and missed the "revolutionary" announcement of the new Apple Tablet. Oh wait. I'm sorry. That's NOT the well thought out, aptly descriptive name.

It's the iPad.

Now. I won't spend this entire post making feminine product jokes. I will instead let this now-ubiquitous 2005 Mad TV sketch do the talking for me.

But I think we're all in agreement that the spanking new iPad is in a little bit of a marketing (if not product development) fail zone right now. So I would like to propose a few alternative names for this sparkly new toy:

iCantmultitask. Disappointment in a box.

iKilljournalists. What be this "newspaper" thingy you speak of?

iSavenot. The Moleskine Journal company rejoices! Pens and Paper everywhere do a happy dance!

iSlate. No joke. This is really just what it should have been called.

iTab. Or this. (See how easy this is?)

iWin! Until the Kindle can go online, at least.

iMaxi. Get it? Get it? Sounds like iMac...

iHeavyFlow. Because I'm a liar and have the maturity of an 11-year-old boy.

So what do YOU think it should have been named? I'm sure between the six of us we can come up with something far more catchy. And then we'll petition Apple to change it... and take over the world...

Muahahahahahahahahhaa

End of Days - How Will You Spend Them? - Miss War

2010-01-21T20:33:00.000-08:00

Hola Bitches. Let's get serious.

Seriously serious.

Ok, the girls and I have been a bit lazy as of recent. This laziness is reflecting in both my volume of blog posts and my ever growing thighs. (Eff you, Treadmill. I'll burn my cals with my new badass Universal Remote until this winter of discontent is over.)

So, we were imbibing the other night when Miss Death suggested from underneath her lampshade that we play the End of Days Game.

"What BE this End of Days Game," you ask? Oh, it's no different from the "Stranded on an Island" game, except that you have no chance of rescue. So, what favorite movie, book and song will you carry into the Great Abyss? Well, that's up to you (alcohol helps this game along nicely.)

See if you can top my answers (and don't get all "Apocalypse Now, Bible and Bach" on me. Be creative.)

Movie? The Big Lebowski. Why? Because you can literally watch this movie a millions times and keep finding new and interesting angles. We could analyze characters for YEARS! I mean, the Dude aside, what about Donnie? What does his death mean to the other characters? What is his back story? And Maude! And Bunny! And the Nihilists? So much to watch and discuss. (Admit it, you agree with this choice. It's a clear winner.)

Book? The Complete Calvin and Hobbes Collection. Why? See above. I know what you're saying. "What a Nerd!" But I believe in the power of this anthology for the same reason that I geek out over TBL above. You can literally read and disect every strip of that comic. It's written for an intelligent audience who still think like kids. Ah...le sigh. How I love these books.

Song? The Beatles. Imagine. No further explanation needed.

So, where do you stand? What are your top three answers?

Top Ten Apocalyptic Movies of the 00's - Miss War

2009-12-31T17:56:00.000-08:00

It's been quite the decade-o-disaster at the multiplex my friends. We Horsewomen do so enjoy a good apocalypse, even if Hollywood is often wrong about, well just about ever detail of the apocalypse. So we thought we'd show our appreciation for our favorite homages to our work at this, the close of the first decade of the 21rst Century:

First... the quality entries...

28 Days Later - An indie-drama masquerading as a zombie flick, Danny Boyle's entry into the zombie-pocalypse genre is terrifying on a lot of levels. Plus, Cilian Murphy is hot, even without hair. Need we say more?

Wall-E - An apocalyptic-kids movie! Say what you will about Pixar - they've got balls of steal. Who would have thought that you could start indoctrinating the populous to look forward to the joys of the apocalypse at such a young age? Pixar has managed it though. According to them the apocalypse features the cutest robots EVER and a lot of problems that can mostly be solved by eating right and exercising. Oh, and a tensy garbage problem. We Horsewomen approve of exercising, eating right AND recycling, so we call this one a winner.

Children of Men - A dreary, dreary sort of apocalypse, but a pretty damn good movie. We'll appreciate it as art and be happy that our apocalypse isn't NEARLY this grungy. Famine would never stand for it.

Sunshine - Danny Boyle explores a different, quieter sort of apocalypse in this psychological thriller about the crew sent to try to reignite the sun before the Earth freezes. The crew might self destruct - but will they be in time to prevent the death of our sun? If you've seen it, you know, if you haven't... that's not my fault, is it?

Shawn of the Dead - Putting the ha-ha in zombie attacks, this British slice of hilarity changed the name of the game when it came to horror. With a healthy dose of really great action, big scares and a few true heart strings playing moments this is a mish-mash that just works.

Cloverfield - This little movie would merit a place on this even if it's only accomplishment was being the only "hand-held" movie that hasn't made me physically ill. I know, I know, harbinger of doom, bringer of peril, destroyer of worlds and what's my kryptonite? Shaky camera work. I'm ashamed of myself too. Beyond not being sea-sick inducing, this charming little, never quite see the monster movie manages to be fun, effective and entertaining. The cast might be a little on the mediocre side, but it kept this Horsewoman happy for a couple of hours, so we'll accept it into our visions of the apocalypse hall of fame.

And for the cheese ball half of the list....

Land of the Dead - George A. Romero, king of the zombie movies, investigates what might happen after a zombie apocalypse in this sequel. Simon Baker is hot, the zombie hookers are gross and life after the end of it all seems like good, if a little dirty, fun. A girl can always count on Mr. Romero for a good time!

The Day After Tomorrow - Mr. Emmerich took two stabs at the apoca-genre this decade, but we're just going to pretend that The Day After Tomorrow stands alone as a representative of his work because that other movie (you know the one I'm talking about, starts with 20, ends with 12) is TERRIBLE. Is this the best of his work? No. Is this the best apocalypse movie he's ever made? No. But no list of apocalyptic movies can be complete without an entry from Mr. Emmerich, so we've made room on the list.

I Am Legend - And in the category of movies that should have been better... We like to watch this movie for the movie it was before it was re-written via post-shoot editing. Do you REALLY think you've convinced us that the zombie king is willing to chase his girl out into the sunlight because he's becoming LESS human? Really? But, post-focus group re-editing or not, it stars Mr. Will Smith, our number one action hero with whom to survive an apocalypse, so it belongs on our list!

Battlefield Earth - Last but certainly not least, the WORST apocalypse movie, perhaps ever. This gem goes so far beyond bad that it is kind of a fabulous apocalypse in itself. The fact that's it's based on a religious text? Well, just icing on the cake.

That's the decade in apocali looks like ladies and gentleman. Go forth and be merry, for the end is, as always, nigh.

Get out 2009! And NEVER come back! - 4HW

2009-12-31T10:50:00.001-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Ok. So here’s the deal. December was a busy month for the Four Horsewomen. Yes, I know, “It’s a busy month for everyone.” But it’s particularly busy for us. It involves certain…rituals…and preparations. Traditionally, December is a VERY important month in the Apocalypse (hint hint). I mean, first there was that whole UFO over the Kremlin incident. African pythons decided to make Florida their new home (hey – who knew African pythons were retired New Yorkers?). Jake Gyllenhaal didn’t keep up his end of our Apocalyptic Bargain. And let’s not forget the Annual Horsewomen Holiday Retreat. (Yes, that’s right. We’ll admit it. We slacked off on our duties to go spend a few weeks in St. Lucia. What? You didn’t spend a week or two knocking back eggnogs with your nearest and dearest in your family hovels? We Horsewomen just have different priorities, that’s all. And Miss Conquest LOVES her rum.)

But just because we’re complete and total slackers doesn’t mean we don’t want jump on the Best of the Decade bandwagon as we happily kick 2009 out the window (good riddance!) and make way for 2010. After all, the Aughts were nothing if not Apocalyptic. (The tanking economy won 500 points for Gryffindor alone.)

So check back often as we look at some of the best Apocalyptic Fashion Disasters, Apocalyptic Celebrity Couples, movies, books and songs of the decade, and tune in to find out who we name as THE Honorary Horsewomen of the decade!

Copenhagen in a Nutshell of CO2 - Miss Death

2009-12-15T06:46:00.000-08:00

I realize that I spend the majority of my time covering fashion and celebs, but I do have a brain inside this perfectly manicured skull. And from time to time, I like to use it. So today's recap will be a quick overview of the Copenhagen Conference on Global and Climate Change. Sounds fun, right? Stay with me....

In 2012, the Kyoto Protocal will expire. The Kyoto Protocol was put in place to create "binding limits" on the amount of CO2 that a country can emit. (Eh hem...that includes you, China.) So, in short, once the Kyoto Protocol expires, without a new protocol in place to stop countries from going hog wild and producing all the CO2 emissions they like, you are all screwed.

Not me. I'm already dead. It's sort of my thing.

Government reps from 170 countries will meet to duke it out over the new standards for carbon emissions. Sounds great, right? Except for that fact that this years Copehagen Summit will produce the largest carbon footprint of any summit to date.

Between travel, work and flights this summit will produce 46,200 tonnes of carbon emissions. That is "enough to fill 10,000 swimming pools" and is equivalent to the same amount produced by 2,600 Americans IN A YEAR. (Run away, little penguin! Run!)

1 step forward, 2 steps back. It's a deadly waltz we dance. But who am I to complain. Business for me is booming and the outlook on my industry is high. So keep up the great work, Copenhagen. We'll be headed for the next apocalypse in no time!

Signing off for now darlings! (No worries, I'll be back with more updates on pretty, frilly, sparkley things next time.)

I'll get off my high horse for now. (Her name is Shiela.)

Apocalyptic Website of the Week: There, I Fixed It! - Miss Famine

2009-12-07T16:56:00.000-08:00

We’ve had many signs of the Apocalypse lately. There are lots of terrible and horrible things that we need to warn you about - things that are trying their darndest to usher in the End of Days. So many things in fact, that we’ve been neglecting our OTHER duties – helping you, teaching you, guiding you through this crazy apocalyptic wave. (It’s right there in the title, folks!)

That’s why I’d like to bring this FANTASTIC WEBSITE to your attention today. Our resources are sometimes limited here in Armageddon, and because of that, we sometimes have to get a little MacGyver-y. (NOT the same as getting Maverick-y, FYI.) And this website has it all. Helpful tips with a hilarious edge. Fix your problems AND laugh them off at the same time!

Thereifixedit.com is practically a how-to guide for household problems. What DO you do when you just can’t find a wrench to save your life? (No. Seriously. Save your life. The other day my faucet started leaking… but it wasn’t just water… there were blood-sucking alien leeches IN the water… I needed a wrench. STAT.).

So just HOW does Thereifixedit.com solve all of your pesky problems....?

Say I used everything - including the kitchen sink - to barricade my hovel during a zombie attack. Now what in Hades do I use for a sink?!?!

Oh. That.

I’m having a party, but last week I used my silver bottle opener to take out a frisky werewolf. Now how do I serve drinks?

Genius!

I need to make a quick getaway from a tidal wave that’s about to wash away my hovel… But as luck would have it, I have a flat tire!!! WHAT DO I DO!?!

Luckily, there are children near by playing in a park. And I have no moral qualms about stealing toys from children at all whatsoever.

My kids are all crazy messed up in the future and I need to get use the Time Machine ASAP to stop them from effing everything up (even though this premise makes no sense in terms of urgency or stakes), but the Zombies stole all of my Plutonium!!! How the heck do I make my Time Machine fly??

“Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t NEED roads…” Just corn.

And those are just a few of the handy tips from thereifixedit.com. This site is like the Bob Villa of the Apocalypse! Visit today!

*All photos are from the super handy, and super hilarious thereifixedit.com blog.

Human v. Zombie: People, this is NOT a game! -Miss Conquest

2009-12-03T08:00:00.000-08:00

What is this bullshit? Have we not spread the warnings? Have you not seen what happens when you toy with the undead? Clearly no one is taking this seriously. (hangs head in frustration) (withered sigh)

College kids have given up on the ever popular sports of Frisbee Golf and Drinking Til You Pass Out With No Pants and are instead taking up the new game of Humans v. Zombies. The teams are divided up (like Sharks and Fishes) and players take turns "fighting" one another in a tag-like setting using Nerf guns.

Are you shitting me? Nerf guns.

Why not just hit them with pillows and balloons? Perhaps you could just blow kisses at them?

Government test labs the world over have been harvesting all sorts of zombie-creating diseases. Hell, even Lady Gaga wants to be a zombie ("I want your ugly, I want your disease.") But to make a game of this in some light hearted attempt at irony is just reinforcing the notion that college kids are idiots and the world is not taking this zombie epidemic seriously enough.

"We must stop these college jerks from trivializing the threat of the undead." - Stephen Colbert (political commentator, human sympathizer).

Sure! It's all fun and games until you find yourself face to face with a real zombie, and all you have to defend yourself is a Nerf Big Bad Titan, which fires foam darts at a speed of .002 mph. At that speed, you could walk over and kick them in the nuts faster. Long story short, you're a dead man.

People. I implore you. Do NOT partake in this mindless game. It perpetuates false stereotypes about the severity of this deadly disease (Zombitis). Nerf guns will not save you, you silly-nancys. While the girls and I are out fighting off REAL zombies every. single. day. you jerktards are out skipping through wildflower fields throwing foam darts at one another.

Thank you, Mr. Colbert, for giving this game your highest threat level warning. At least someone is taking this seriously.
As Stephen Colbert so perfectly put it: "Hey college kids, stop playing fake zombies and get back to what you are supposed to be doing. Playing fake lesbians and fake vegetarians."

Don't say we didn't warn you.

Know Your Place on the Menu - Miss Famine

2009-11-28T11:38:00.000-08:00

I am STUFFED. The girls and I had a flawless Thanksgiving this year. (Only two zombie attacks and only one smoke detector incident. Death is officially banned from the kitchen.) We were all a little anxious leading up to the big event -- would Thanksgiving still be the same in the Apocalypse? Would friends and family still gather and shovel food into their faces until they couldn't breath? Would that weird uncle still be super awkward? Would the turkey rise from the dead as Zombie turkey?!

Yes! Yes! And sort of. (No worries. Zombie Turkeys are just as easy to cook and just as tasty as regular turkeys. Just bite them before they bite you.)

I was so relieved that all of the the tradition is still firmly in tact, and we're now gearing up for a very merry Holiday season. The girls and I even went shopping early on Black Friday. It's so much less scary when you come prepared with your pretty machetes and pearl handled revolvers. Competitive shoppers just leap out of your way.

But now that that's over, we're facing the scariest of all post-Thanksgiving traditions... LEFTOVERS. Leftovers have always been a little risky -- How long does this all last? The green beans are moving, should I stop eating? Is the stuffing ok if it's congealed, white, and fuzzy? How many pieces of pie is too many to eat in one sitting? (The answer is 7. Just trust me.)

And ever since that apocalypse hit, we've had even more to worry about, like...when do WE become the leftovers?

Oh. That's when.

Happy Zombgiving, Everyone!

Miss Famine

Finally! A Narrative on Why Everything Goes to Shit During a Zombie Apocalypse - Miss Conquest

2009-11-24T12:49:00.000-08:00

I've been saying it for years, folks. This is no one's fault but your own. I didn't start the zombie apocalypse. I merely encouraged what had already been set into motion. And, as friend and neighbor to many zombies, I really can't help but sympathize with them.

Finally. Someone printed the totally accurate narrative of how the Zombie Apoc came to be. The next time you feel frisky, why not hold off on getting cocky with the disease hybrid meatloaf. See below for further explanation.

Not here.

Here.

UPDATE! WARNING! GRAB YOUR LOVED ONES AND HIDE!!

2009-11-20T12:41:00.000-08:00

UPDATE!!!

BREAKING ~~DAWN~~ NEWS!!!

The end is so freakishly near you can taste it!

Mmm. Tastes like chicken.

"New Moon Sets All-time Midnight Record"

It beat Harry Potter.

It beat Dark Knight.

Batman, bested by a bare chested 12-year-old. I guess the chicks just don't dig Teflon as much as they used to.

It made $26.27 MILLION DOLLARS.

And that's just the kick-off. Reports are that the sequel may break the all-time opening day records, while simultaneously attracting earthquakes, birds, snakes, and aeroplanes, effectively ending the world as we know it.

Didja see THIS coming, Michael Stipe. Didja? Didja?!

What is this business with Twilight vamps not having fangs? I don't buy it. They just took the biggest bite out of our collective Hello Kitty pocket book ever (during witching hours, at least). Oh well, I guess it's true what they say about whiskey and vampires... totally Recession-proof.

"Honey. Hey. Wake up. Did you drink all my moonshine?"

Cha-Ching. New Moon's Predicted Fortune Spells A-P-O-C-A-L-Y-P-S-E. -Miss War

2009-11-19T18:46:00.000-08:00

If there's one thing we Horsewomen do well, it's spot signs of the coming Apocalypse. We're like rangers that way. We sense danger. We can smell it in the sulfuric air.

And there's no better place to find signs than THE ALL KNOWING BOX OFFICE. (At least for me. I know Death likes to frequent department stores and fashion shows while sign watching.)

And guys and ghouls, boy do we have a whopping sign flashing at us today:

Twilight Saga: New Moon looking at a $104.2 million opening weekend.

WEEKEND!

Three. Tiny. Little. Days.

Not even a HOLIDAY weekend.

How, you ask, might a movie about a lip-biting girl and a sparkly vampire cause the world to scream "AH!" and just throw fistfuls of dollars at Summit Entertainment like the company was a high class stripper played by Christina Aguilera or Kristen Bell?

Is it Robert Pattinson's cocky coif?

Is it Kristen Stewart's sighing and throat clearing?

Is it Taylor Lautner's magic miracle grow abs?

Is it the "Forbidden Bad Boy loves me but doesn't make a move no matter how much I throw my naked body willingly and desperately onto his fangless lap" fantasy? (It only makes us want him more.)

There must be SOMETHING in Stephanie Meyers' ~~Mormon~~ Vegitarian Vampire tale that makes us swoon in unison.

SOMETHING that's going to drive 13-year-old girls to the theater six or seven times before SATURDAY (and by 13-year-old girls, I mean myself, Death, Famine, Conquest, my sister, my mom, my best friend, the zombie-lady who lives next door, my alien boss, Nkchbu).

I'm going to make a wild accusation about what's behind this whole unsettling shebang (even though the movie contains NO banging of the she or he variety at all whatsoever). Now bear with me. It makes sense if you think about it:

Kristen Stewart and Stephanie Meyer sold their souls to the Devil.

I know, I know, I hear you. "But Miss War. Shouldn't that only affect THEM? How does it cause the Apocalypse?"

Duh. Devil. He likes to end the world even more than WE do.

So why am I not including RobPat or TayLaut in this little apocalyptic pact?

Cause let's face it, they're just eye candy. We loves us some female gaze, yes we do.

So, let me be the first to say it (who are we kidding... I'm like the 47th), when the title "New Moon" is suddenly tossed in with the likes of such family friendly, get-butts-in-the-seats titles as, "Spider Man," "Pirates of the Caribbean," "HARRY EFFING POTTER," run for the farthest hills and dig yourself a bloody bomb shelter, because the End is fucking NEAR.

*Don't believe me? There have been 18,834 updated Tweets with the tag #newmoon since I started this post. 18,938. 20,103.

20,357.

Journey, The Most Apocalyptic Band of all Time

2009-11-16T14:42:00.000-08:00

This is a short post. Simply put, the best song of all time, the song we played and sang along to while raining fire and brimstone...the song that makes me equal parts happy and sad when I sing it...the song that never EVER gets old or boring or overplayed....has just been covered by Fox's Glee during season 1 and like a really good disease outbreak, the more you share it, the better this gets.

So plug in your apoc headphones, get out your lighter and crank this mother to 11.

Ride the Midnight Train here and don't let your coworkers see you sobbing like a baby while you mouth along with then words.

Also, give the cover of Billy Idol's "Dancing with Myself" a go. Long story short, you'll shamelessly chair dance with yourself.

Stand up for a Friday the 13th Near You! - Miss Conquest

2009-11-13T15:57:00.000-08:00

I'm MAD and I'm not going to take it any more. What,, you ask? There's so much to choose from...

or...

And lets not forget about...

But fashion offenses are nothing compared to the injustice I speak of today. That's right.

paraskevidekatriaphobia

Or... to sum up...

Each and every month that begins with Sunday include a Friday that lies on the 13th day on the month. Friday the 13th. I was born, some, unspecified not toooo long a time ago in the past, on Friday the 13th. I am charming and lovely and a joy to all who know me. But, when Friday the 13th comes around, all of my gracious qualities are forgotten by datists who choose to percicute those of us who originate on this particular day.

Calendar discrimination has long and pernicious roots. Even the ancient Babylonians practiced this unfortunate and unreasonable prejudice against this innocent number. That means this prejudice has been around since at least 1700 BC. But, it didn't really take off until this guy:

Wrote a completely fictional book that has ruined this wonderful day for all of us called, you guessed it -- Friday the Thirteenth.

Thanks, asshole.

Today, the third Friday the 13th of 2009, I've decided to take a stand. Our voice deserves to be heard! The first Thirteen Club was started 1881 and boasted a membership that included five presidents. It's time to bring this venerable institution back. Join me in fighting back against triskaidekaphobia in all of it's forms!

Join the cause - walk under a ladder or pet a black cat today!

Just a reminder... - Miss War

2009-11-13T09:01:00.000-08:00

Psst.

Hey you.

Yeah, you.

Come here.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but...

It's here.

That's all.

Check back Monday for an accuracy report. (My guess is not very... I heard there weren't even Zombies. Psh.)

Happy Friday the 13th,
Miss War

Bringing About the Apocalypse. You're doing it RIGHT, Messrs. Gyllenhaal and Bruckheimer! - Miss War

2009-11-06T15:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends,

I know on Fridays I usually preview the exciting (and/or questionable) movin' pictures that will grace the silver screen over the weekend. And this weekend definitely has a full slate of flicks. Both the good: "Men Who Stare At Goats" and "A Christmas Carol" (just forget the fact that Halloween was barely a week ago), and the others: "The Fourth Kind" and "The Box."

But today I'd like to take a minute to honor a trailer that understands the true meaning of the word "apocalyptic."

And it's not 2012.

I'm talking about this week's latest buzz-worthy trailer - "Prince of Persia." (Watch here!)

(* This poster is not a joke.)

The trailer opens with dirty-gold fireworks bursting over Cinderella's Castle set to a dark, brooding score. This caught my attention. "Pirates 4? ALREADY? Sweet!" But no. All lies. These explosions aren't from cannon balls. In fact, I'm still not quite sure what these are supposed to be.

We then fly high above the world of a very dusty and very CGI'd Medieval Persia, and are given an overwrought mythology about a dagger and some time-traveling sand. Cool. Got it.

But then the trailer lost me. And it's not because the pervasive narration doesn't explain every. single. plot. beat. 'Cause it does. No, the trailer lost me here because for the next 2 minutes and 20 seconds I could only see one thing... THAT WIG.

(See it???)

Now, the Apocalypse has not precluded my affinity for the doe-eyed Gyllenhaal in any way shape or form. I still love him even after he went all Zombie-bot with that chick. He was adorable in "Bubble Boy". Angsty, mysterious, and HOT in "Donnie Darko." Apathetic and even HOTTER in "Jarhead."

So when you see the trailer, you'll understand my confusion. I stopped watching and thought to myself, "What be this creature I see in the moving picture box? It cannot be the beautiful Jake Gyllenhaal I know and love. ...Can it?"

No. No, Mr. Gyllenhaal. I do not agree. I will not accept your horribly stitched wig and sprayed-on-looking abs!

WILL NOT ACCEPT!

Sigh... if this movie doesn't cause the Apocalypse, I don't know what will. (That's a lie. I totally know.)

Peace, Love, and Movie Trailers
Miss War

PS: Because I don't want to be a complete sourpuss, check out the NEW "Avatar" trailer. Looks just as cool as the first, but this time it actually tells us what the movie's about!

Also, the "Salt" teaser hit the interwebs this week. Angelina Jolie being badass? You don't say...

Bored to Death - Miss War

2009-11-05T11:12:00.000-08:00

So. Bored.

So.....soooo....bored. Miss Famine and I were just iming about how bored we were at the MGGtStA Office. Normally, Miss Conquest is a slave driver (her thirst for success in unquenchable) but she's out of the office all week for some pillaging and plundering R&R time.

And thus, we are bored. Also, we are getting to the point of cabin fever where we are indeed annoying one another. If Miss Death drums her boney little fingers one more time, there will be post-apocalyptic hell to pay.

Anywho. I've been surfing the net looking for ways to amuse myself. Short of planning Miss Famine's Future As-Yet-To-Be-Determined Wedding (again), my eyeballs are going to bleed if I don't find a reason to live for the next 4 hours.

I present to you....www.ToothpasteForDinner.com. Here, you can develop a deeper appreciation for shitty art while learning new things! Like...mushrooms 101! Or...how to tend to unsightly hair!

No worries, you can thank me later.

Also, thank YOU Google Reader, for reading my mind and recommending Regretsy.com. If you like the whimsicall art and handmade designs of Etsy, than you'll love the half-assed attempts at homemade crafts showcased on Regretsy! After all, every DIY project involves a little glue and a whole lotta regret.

And if all else fails, well, you can reread the Twilight series. Because deep down, everyone is a 14-year old girl.

Keep it real apocalyptic.

Halloween TV Specials to Make You Howl - Miss War

2009-10-31T12:04:00.000-07:00

So it's Halloween afternoon. I'm whipping up some nuclear pumpkin pie, and a meatloaf femur to take to Miss Famine's party tonight. I'm putting the finishing touches on my costume (inspired by one of the episodes listed below), and making sure my new Zombie-Radar Gun is all ready to go. (This is a must-have for Halloween Safety - it distinguishes a REAL zombie from a COSTUME zombie). And to keep my spirits up through all of these last minute errands, I've thrown on some of my FAVORITE Halloween TV episodes.

Let me know if there are any more I should throw into the mix, or if I'm missing YOUR favorite Halloween Special!

The Simpsons - "Treehouse of Horror V"
"At the end of the world, only cockroaches, Twinkies, and The Simpsons will survive." Ok, so I made that up. But as we're well past The End Of Days, and the Simpsons are on their TWENTIETH Treehouse of Horror, it feels pretty accurate. We chose Volume V because of the classic "The Shinning" segment. ("You have the Shinning, boy!" "Don't you mean the Shining?" "Shh! Do you want to get sued?")

South Park - "Hell on Earth"
No one does Halloween quite like Satan. And no one does Satan quite like South Park. Satan throws the biggest Halloween party the world/heaven/hell has ever seen. Especially when he comes up with something that "Diddy didn't do."

Castle - "Vampire Weekend"
Despite the fact that this episode aired barely a week ago, and I've already forgotten what the actual mystery was, it's already a classic in my book. Richard Castle (Nathan Fillion) dressing as a "space cowboy," (aka: his very own cult character, Captain Mal Reynolds from "Firefly") is perhaps one of the most perfect moments of television ever filmed - at least for us Whedon-Geeks. Throw in the following Buffy nods, and sneaky Dr. Horrible riff, and it was an episode to die for.

Scooby Doo and the Ghoul School

Every time I watch Scooby and Shaggy teach a boarding school of monster daughters, I feel like a little Horsegirl again. So many tricks and treats to be found as the girls of Miss Grimwood's Finishing School for Girls train to kick the boys' butts in a volleyball match. Now that's some Ghoul Power!

How I Met Your Mother - "Slutty Pumpkin"
There's an old TV myth that says the 6th episode of a series is THE most important episode. By this point the show has fully come into its own and if it's bad, it's never going to recover. But if it's GOOD, well, then this show is something to pay attention to. It's very telling that the 6th episode of HIMYM is this highly memorable Slutty Pumpkin episode. It's hard to tell what's better, Barney dressed as a penguin drinking root beer and Kahlua, or Ted dressed as a "hanging chad." In 2005.

Growing Pains - "Happy Halloween Parts 1 & 2"
WHY you ask, is this Growing Pains episode on the list? When we think of Growing Pains do we think of frights and scares? No. But this episode that features the Seaver family each trying to one up each other with a scary story inspired me in my later years. This is why the girls and I always try to one up each other with acts of destruction. Very important in my formative years, you see.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer - "Halloween"
In a series full of horror and monster stories, there are three specifically designated Buffy Halloween episodes. We chose this one because of the clean lines, and simply classic Halloween plot. Kids dress in cursed costumes. Turn into said costumes. Scooby Gang saves the day. It's magically delicious!

Quantum Leap - "The Boogieman"

Sam leaps into a horror novelist (supposedly Little Stevie King's mentor) and is given some bad advice from the Devil masquerading as hologram Al. This episode even comes with its very own Macbeth-esque curse - fans refuse to call it by name, instead referring to it as "The Halloween Episode."

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
"There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin." No holiday TV special list is complete without a Peanuts Even in our darkest hours here in the Apocalypse, we an always count on Charlie Brown and friends to make us smile.

And with that, I bid you all a happy, spooky, and safe Halloween.
Miss War

PS: If you haven't guessed it yet, I'm TOTALLY going to be a Slutty Pumpkin tonight.

Apocalyptic Halloween Costumes - Miss Famine

2009-10-30T10:13:00.001-07:00

Halloween is only one day away. The girls and I are all set for our annual killer Halloween Party, but some of our friends have recently said they have NO idea what they should be this year. Well, here are a few Apocalypse themed costumes, sure to be an icebreaker in any crowd.

The Obvious Costume: 2012

EITHER dress as Roland Emmerich (good luck), OR go as a Mayan running around with a calendar or blackberry. Time’s up!

The Timely Costume: SWINE FLU

Simple but effective. Throw on a pig mask, or even a pig NOSE will do, and stick a thermometer in any of your favorite crevices. You’ll have a feverishly good time.

The Group Costume: DEAD CELEBRITIES

While you might fight over who gets to don a red leather jacket and single sparkly white glove, you’ll ALL have fun dressing as Farrah, Walter, Billy, and the slew of other celebrities that checked out this summer, making the rest of us think that the end is near.

The Couple Costume: ANGEL AND DEVIL

Classic. Timeless. One can never go wrong with the good old Revelations costume. Battle as Good and Evil all night, and as an extra game, see how many souls each of you can gather throughout your party. Most names at the end wins!

The Abstract Costume: SWISS SUPERCOLLIDER

Wear all black except for a strategically placed Swiss flag. Hand out chocolate donut holes all night. People may not know what you are, but they’ll sure love that you brought treats!

The Brainless Costume: ZOMBIE

Duh. Maybe go with someone dressed as the Swine Flu. Be the Before and After.

The Ladies Brainless Costume: SEXY ZOMBIE

Less cleaver. More cleavage.

Meatloaf Update - Now You've Gone Too Far - Miss Famine

2009-10-29T10:53:00.000-07:00

Just as an update to yesterday's handloaf recipe, I found some new and exciting complementary body-part-loafs for you to make. Who, you ask, eats this much meatloaf? You ask too many questions. Just head into that little fallout shelter kitchen of yours and begin shaping that meat log into something we can all enjoy.

Like this! Feetloaf!

Yum! However, I would add a smoked apple jalepeno jelly to this for that special "toe jam" effect.

No need to jump right into meatloaf brain surgery. Start simple, with a basic zombie meathead. Just don't forget the brains!

The pasta maggot is a nice touch. (happy sigh)

And lastly, I really like this meat series.

I call it "The Ex."

This one doesn't look too bright.

I call this one: "Why didn't you call me? I thought we had a really nice time. I mean, you said you'd call, but when you didn't, I called you, and some girl answered...I WILL CUT OUT YOUR HEART WITH A KNIFE" -loaf.

Sigh* Who doesn't love some yummy comfort food in the cool weather. I sure do! So feel free to submit photos of your own body part loafs!

Suck it, Rachel Ray.

Flicks that Capture that Good Ol' Halloween Spirit - Miss War

2009-10-29T09:23:00.000-07:00

IT'S HALLOWEEN! IT'S HALLOWEEN! IT'S HALLOWEE---

What's that?
Oh.

IT'S ALMOST HALLOWEEN! IT'S ALMOST HALLOWEEN! IT'S ALMOST HALLOWEEN!

The leaves are changing. The air is crisp (except for during solar flares). The nights are longer, which means more time spent inside avoiding vamp attacks and snuggling up in front of the TV, or fire, or TV on fire. And for those nights, nothing beats a cup of warm apple cider and a good old fashioned scary movie. Except maybe a cup of apple cider spiked with vodka.

When we think of Scary Movies, we too often think of a psycho on a murderous rampage with a big ass knife, wicked claws, or an evil set of torture games. But Miss War (that'd be me!) is feeling uncharacteristically passive today, and I'd like to curl up with some of the best atmospherically brooding films that have ever captured the spirit that is HALLOWEEN!

1. VERTIGO (1958)

The fog. The ghost stories. The betrayals. The swirly hairdo. Psycho may have the slash, but Vertigo has the class. Hitchcock's masterful tale of possession and obsession tops this Horsewoman’s lists of atmospheric October chillers.

2. THE HAUNTING (1963)

This original ghost story gives us a house with an attitude and a night full of organic scares. Made in the time before computer generated special effects, The Haunting had to trust it’s story telling and camera work to scare the crap out of you. And it still does. I dare Rolland Emmeric to destroy the world with this kind of artistry using only lights, camera angles, and creepy music. DARE!

3. SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE (2000)

We too often mistakenly credit his turn as the Green Goblin in SPIDERMAN with labeling Willhem Dafoe the “Creepiest Man Alive.” But all we have to do is look at this artsy Vamp flick to know that just ain't true. Portraying a lonely, hungry, malnourished Vamp mistaken for an actor and cast as the Drac-knock off, Nosferatu, WD sends chills down your spine in every scene.

4. THE EXORCIST (1973)
A priest, the Devil, and a lamppost walk into a bar. Wait… no, wrong story. This time they battle for the soul of a little pea-spewing, crab-walking girl in the classic 1973 film.

5. SLEEPY HOLLOW (1999)

No one understands Halloween QUITE like our good friend Tim Burton. (The visually stunning and distinct milieu of Burton’s extensive body of work inspired us Horsewomen when we were designing the overall look and theme of our beloved apocalypse. Can you tell?) And nowhere does the Halloween atmosphere seep into your bones like it does in the small, damp, chilly town of Sleepy Hollow. Annnnd, it’s got Johnny Depp.

6. THE SHINING (1980)

Yes, I know this technically features an “axe murderer” who “slashes” away at his family. But I personally like The Shining for it’s uber psychotic empty hotel that sends us all slowly spiraling into insanity. Particularly the cold, stark red bathrooms. When I found myself caught at the Standard Downtown immediately after the Apocalypse hit, THIS is the movie that I couldn’t get out of my head. (Luckily Jack Nicholson was at a Zombie Lakers game that night.)

7. DONNIE DARKO (2001)

A trippy, bunny-induced count down to Halloween night all about time, space, life, death, fate, destiny, and love – and set to a rockin’ 80’s soundtrack! Donnie Darko, we’d love you even more if you didn’t spawn a generation of “twee” movies that just won’t die.

8. POLTERGIEST (1982)

The only thing scarier than this television-obsessed child is the REAL LIFE curse behind the series. Check it out.

9. THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (1993)

Part Halloween. Part Christmas. Tim Burton’s stop-animation fantasy is a classic that lasts from October through December. Just ask Disneyland!

10. THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968)

While modern zombie movies are more concerned with running from the virus at breakneck speed (28 Days Later), or poking fun at our brain-challenged friends (Shaun of the Dead, Zombieland, ahem), George Romaro’s classic masterpiece was about the quiet terror the characters experienced while WAITING for the zombies to arrive. Just sittin' around, fighting, and filling their fortress house with tension. Now THAT’s a brooding atmosphere you can really take a… bite… out of?

Handy Halloween Recipes! - Miss Famine

2009-10-28T12:28:00.000-07:00

Try this new and amazing version of meatloaf. Here...let me give you a hand with this one. It's made from meatloaf, ketchup, cheese (for the skin) and onions for the fingernails. Despite the texture of the skin, it is actually delicious!

You can get the full recipe here at a website called Not Martha. No, sir. I do not think Martha would approve, but the Four Horsewomen do!

And once you are finished with your Handy Meatloaf, might I suggest a Bacon Cake chaser?

Enjoy!

Paranormal Activity (a.k.a. "He's Just Not That Into You") - Miss War

2009-10-26T11:42:00.000-07:00

**Contains SPOILERS**

The first half of this review tells the entire movie plot line. You've been warned.

We find ourselves in a modern townhouse in the middle of Valencia, California. The sun shines, the birds chirp. We meet a happy young couple: Katie and Micah. As the story unfolds, we learn that Katie believes there is paranormal activity going on in the house and Micah has decided to invest some good money in a high tech video camera to document the occurrences.

The activities do not seem out of the ordinary for hauntings. Katie hears footsteps and creaking sounds at night. She swears she feels something watching her, even breathing on her at times. Micah laughs it all off, only half believing her fears.

As they begin to document the nighttime occurrences, we see video footage of Katie suffering from gruesome nightmares. We see a large, dark shadow pass across the threshold to their bedroom. We see the bedroom door slam shut violently. We see a chandelier swing by itself. Finally, after Micah puts down a layer of baby powder in the hallway, we see footprints (hoofprints.)

Katie finally breaks down and tells Micah that as a child she was haunted by the same demon. She believes the demon haunts her and her alone.

During the course of this haunting, Micah shows very little sympathy. In fits of bravado he shouts macho curses at the unseen demon. He threatens to "kick the demon's ass" and puts up a fight about Katie's desire to call upon a psychic. And when she finally does, he is a total D-bag to the doc. Even against her begging him not to, he brings home a Ouija board, to disastrous consequences. His actions show that he has very little sympathy or concern for Katie's well-being. His concern is in goading the demon into some sort of Supernatural KY wrestling match. If the script had allowed for it, Micah would have made some inappropriate comments about the demon's mama.

Over the course of three weeks we see and hear the haunting escalate. Unseen things are slammed loudly into walls. The covers on their bed are pulled from them by unseen arms. Lights are turned on and off by themselves. On one particularly freaky night, we see Katie climb out of bed only to stand watch over Micah's sleeping body for an hour. She does not recall doing this.

At the climax of the haunting, we see the sheets lift over Katie's sleeping body and we see her violently yanked from the bed and dragged down the hallway. She screams for Micah who runs to pull her from the invisible arms but not before she suffers a horrendous bite mark, outlined with needle-sharp teeth marks.

Micah finally begins to take things seriously and packs the car, prepared to escape despite the psychic's warning that "It won't matter if you leave. It will follow you." He finds Katie in the hall, holding a crucifix and rocking. She tells him that everything will be ok now, and that she doesn't want to leave. But do we detect a different tone in her voice?

That night, Katie rises from the bed and stands watch over Micah again. After an hour, she turns and walks downstairs to the kitchen, where her bloodcurdling screams shake the house, waking Micah. He runs to presumably save her and suddenly, complete silence fills the house.

What happens next is horrifying and needless to say, Micah won't be starring in the sequel.

METAPHOR TIME, Y'ALL!

The movie is actually a delightful metaphor for bad relationships. It's very nearly a dark romantic comedy. Micah (who's name is pronounced ME-cuh) is such a narcissistic a-hole throughout the movie that he actually makes the hauntings worse. We can safely assume that in reality, he is Katie's Demon. His actions make her life harder and harder as the story goes on. And instead of taking any obviously safe options into account (Maybe call ANOTHER demonologist if the first is unavailable? Maybe don't bring the effing Ouija board into the house? Maybe be nice to the psychic who wants to help you?) he becomes obsessed with using the camera to document the hauntings, to the point that one might suspect he was goading the demon in order to capture more crazy shit on film.

It is vividly clear that Katie is a better person than Micah and that as a couple, she carries the weight of good decision making.

The fact that she becomes possessed in the end, kills him and escapes into the night, never to be seen again simply tells us that eventually she dumped his dumb ass and moved out. In doing so, she became a new person, never to be seen as her old self again.

This was the demonic version of "He's Just Not That Into You." And while I haven't slept in a week since seeing it (hell yeah it was scary!) I loved it and will use this as a training video for girls everywhere who suffer from bad relationship-itis.

Shoes To Die Violently For - Miss Death

2009-10-22T08:29:00.000-07:00

Bonjour Darlings. I'm just back from Spain where I enjoyed a fabulous holiday with a lovely young man (blush.) While in Spain, I unfortunately encountered enough bad fashion to last me an apocalypse. The Spanish are known for their food, wine, frivolity, charm...not their fashion. For further proof, I encourage you to review Exhibit A, their most popular clothing shop. Desigual.

When has it EVER been appropriate to pair denim with pink leopard print, purple zebra stripes and pleather? Not since the New Jersey Apocalypse of 1982.

Were I not a skeleton incapable of eating, I would lose my lunch. Moving on.

Once home from abroad, I quickly took in an Alexander McQueen show to get the bad taste of the euro-fash out of my mouth. What I saw was pure Hot Apoc.

Shoes for 2010 are clearly made for the fashionista on the run (screaming), who happens to also have an impeccable sense of balance. To ride this ride, one must be able to wear ten inch or higher heels.

Leather, scrap metal, whittled bone and scales appear to be the hot shoe trend this season. Thankfully, in this post-apoc wonderland of ours, that's pretty much all we have to work with.

The bad news? This may inhibit running slightly. The good news? Now that you can't run, you can stay and fight those zombies off with your shoes that double as weapons. I mean, look at that heel!

All the best lovies. Stay sexy!

Smart AND Fashionable - The Gas Mask Bra - Miss Death

2009-10-19T09:49:00.000-07:00

Fashion and practicality don't often go hand in hand, particularly here in the apocalypse. It's really tough to accessorize a bio-hazard suit in a way that it at all chic or fashionable, and it takes a true fashion ninja to escape a zombie attack in four inch heels.

I'm happy to report, however, that there is FINALLY a truly chic and totally apocalyptically practical fashion statement that even the most normal, every day fashionista can pull off.

The Gas Mask Bra.

It's frilly. It's pink. It's sexy. And it will keep you AND a friend breathing the next time the aliens drop a nerve gas bomb or we have another wave of the bubonic plague like last Flag Day. Is it any wonder that the creator of this amazingly chic devise, Dr. Elena Bodner, has been rewarded with the most important award of the year?

That's right...

The Ig Nobel Prize. The Ig Nobles are all about those who have approached our apocalypse with a practical eye and a sense of humor. These awards are all about what's useful NOW, not what we could think about later. Other winners include scientists who have discovered how to turn tequila into diamonds and tested the severity of various levels of fullness on beer bottle injuries (turns out, the most effective bottle to hit that invading alien with is three quarters full).

While neither of these discoveries are as useful as Bodner's invention - or as illuminating that of as last years winner Kees Moeliker, who discovered a propensity for gay necrophilia in ducks that eventually led to the cure for zombism - they are worthy of notice in our apocalypse.

So, Ig Nobel Prize winners of 2009, we the Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse salute you!

Bomb the Moon? No, Can't Be - Miss Conquest

2009-10-09T17:55:00.000-07:00

WE BOMBED THE MOON!

Wait... that can't be right. Let me try again.

Nope, there's video proof and everything...

WE BOMBED THE MOON!

Hm. Guess it's true.

Ladies and Gents. Here we were, all sitting pretty in this Apocalypse of ours, waiting to hear about which country might bomb which country next. Might it be China bombing America? Russia bombing France? Brazil bombing Canada? It was really anyone's guess.

Well, we missed something. We took our focus off the sky for one tiny little second and...

We went and BOMBED THE MOON.

Now, before we get all up in arms Austin Powers style, the powers that be (or what's left of them) assure us that this wasn't an accident NOR an act of war against any cute and cuddly Moonlians (Love those fuzzy little guys! They make Gizmo look homely.). It also wasn't even really a "bomb," but a mere crashing of satellite into the Moon's surface.

Come on people! If you're going to bomb something, do it with FEELING!

Apparently NASA's little stunt was a last ditch effort to see if the Moon held some refreshing H2O for this parched wasteland we call home.

You know what we horsewomen say to that???

New WATERFRONT RESORT!!

That's right. Forget Bali and Tahiti. The new IT oasis destination will be none other than our Cheesy Friend in the Sky. I'm going to book our trip ASAP before this little gem is overrun with tourists!

The End of the World Is No Excuse - Miss War

2009-10-04T21:50:00.000-07:00

I am, obviously, totally aware that the apocalypse is nigh. It's my JOB. I get it. But really, Hollywood, who told you that just because it's the end of the world you're allowed to get sloppy and stop making even half decent movies? It sure wasn't a Horsewomen.

And yet, as far as the last month or so has to offer, pretty much everyone in Hollywood got the memo - plot? character? not. necessary.

Culprits?

Think...

Or...

Or even...

The latest offender? Bruce Willis' latest - SURROGATES. While this particular take on the popular human beings living through robots genre (not sure where everyone got this idea, virtual reality went out in the 90's everybody knows that) isn't nearly as attrocious as some (cough... GAMER), it's no gem.

And WHY is it not a gem? Where has the luster and potential that Mr. Willis (one of our favorites) brings to the table gone? It's gone into that blackhole that SHOULD be plotting and character development.

Mr.'s Brancato and Ferris owe this Horsewoman a great Bruce Willis action flick. And Hollywood? Get your act together. We're begging here. When it takes the one two punch of Stephen Soderbergh and Matt Damon to make even a DECENT movie, this apocalypse is in a sorry state indeed.

2012 Extended Preview Coming to a TV Near You... Whether you want it to or not. - Miss War

2009-10-01T17:21:00.000-07:00

It's HEEEEERRRREEEEEEE....

Tonight, Sony and Comcast will bring you the first extended look at the Four Horsewomen's proudest moments. At 10:45pm on EVERY major network and cable channel the world will relive our Awesome Apocalypse! We're so excited! I'm having the girls over for champagne to celebrate! Reveling in the highlights of all of our best, most inventive, most disastrous work in under two minutes will be --

Wait. What's that? What are you saying? It's NOT our Awesome Apocalypse? The one we worked so hard to bring to all of you beautiful people? Not OUR fire and brimstone? Not OUR raining sulfur? Not even OUR river of blood???? But it was so preeeeeeettttyyyy.

You mean this isn't the REAL 2012 that will debut on TV screens simultaneously across the nation like some sort of Orson Welles ruse?

It's just Roland Emmerich's INTERPRETATION of our greatest work??

Starring John Cusack?? (PLEASE say he shows up to the Apocalypse holding a boom box over his head. Cause that's kinda like my dream come true.)

Sheesh. Forgotten again. Salma Hayek was right. The Bible totally WAS written by men.

Homeless Where the Heart is - Miss Famine

2009-09-29T21:32:00.000-07:00

There's a wee bit of controversy surrounding the American Girl company these days.

Meet their newest doll.

Her name is Gwen. And she's homeless.

So American Girl wants to be inclusive and "teach kids." They want to open young girls' eyes to all walks of life. (Never mind that Gwen is really just a bleeding heart accessory for the REAL protagonist of the story: CHRISSA. Chrissa??? Really? Did we run out of REAL names, American Girl?)

That's all well and good but the rest of the world seems to think that the American Girl company is missing the big picture here. They've built an empire on creating various dolls that every little girl can look at and say, "Hey! She's JUST like me!" (Forget that my girlhood doll was Kirsten, the Swedish immigrant doll, who was NOTHING like me. Because you know, she's from Sweden. And I'm from the bowels of Hell.)

But with Gwen, they seem to be missing the mark. It's not that there aren't a tragically high number of homeless little girls in this country who might see something of themselves in Gwen. Or that they don't deserve a doll of their own. It's that this little homeless doll costs $95.

$95!!!!

The real victim of this scandal is none other than Little Miss Gwen herself, a helpless pawn in a horrible battle between the capitalistic company and shocked critics. Poor Gwen doesn't ask much of us. Where Chrissa needs a party table, warm up suit, swim gear, pajamas, snow gear, and a pet llama, all Gwen needs is your friendship. And maybe a home cooked meal.

So that's why I'd like to take a moment to name Gwen an Honorary Horsewoman of the Apocalypse. Not only is she a survivor, but like all good Horsewomen, she survives with impeccable style. Look at her cute and easy-breezy sundress. And her adorable flip flops. She's the epitome of California-Cool. AND she's resourceful -- that pink belt doubles as a headband! (And a weapon if necessary.) Just cause girlfriend doesn't have a hovel doesn't mean she doesn't have class. In fact, she seems WAY classier than that greedy Chrissa. Chrissa wouldn't stand a chance in a nuclear winter if you took away her "snow gear." But ten bucks (or maybe 95) says Gwen would. Would Chrissa be willing to slaughter that cute little llama when she ran out of food? Gwen would. Bet she would even know how to slice it open and huddle inside for warmth. In the words of Beyonce, Gwen's a survivor! And that's why we think she's cool.

All this American Girl Power talk brings me to my latest and greatest idea. I, Miss Famine, would like to petition the American Girl Doll company imploring them to create a doll that yours truly can identify with: Apocalypse Girl. She'd have some kick-ass survival accessories: A machete, automatic rifle, flares, stakes, a sub-zero parka. And she'd have a pet zombie. That she trained to play fetch. I would love my Apocalypse Girl and play with her every day, dressing her up for different occasions (and extreme weather conditions).

And she would come with a book that tells HER story. Like Kirsten, who lost many loved ones to cholera, we'd learn that Apocalypse Girl lost almost everyone in the barrage of asteroid showers, zombie attacks, disease, nuclear war, and/or other horrors that brought about the End of Times. We'd learn how she prevailed and survived Doomsday to become one the most revered heroines of her time. It would be a tale of tragedy and triumph. I would laugh. I would cry. And then I would go back to playing with her accessories (because they're the best part).

Readers, I kindly ask you to sign my petition by commenting below, and maybe soon Apocalypse Girl will be make her debut in an American Girl store near you!!

A Night at the Apocalypse: Movie Preview - Miss War

2009-09-25T17:24:00.000-07:00

Once again the Apocalyptic Force is strong in the new movies coming out this week. I'm not sure if it's something in the water or the air or the rivers of fiery sulfur, but every release seems show all signs pointing towards the End. Don't get me wrong. I'm kinda excited. In fact, things are getting so ominous and doomsday-y (and we KNOW Sony and Roland Emmerich are planning something MONUMENTAL for their super-fab 2012), that I think it's time to start rating these things threat-level style. YAY, color coding!

CODE GREEN (Low threat of actually causing the Apocalypse): THE BOYS ARE BACK

The Gist: Clive Owen takes on the task of raising two sons on his own, one young and one teenager (from an earlier marriage), when his beloved wife suddenly dies.

The Prophecy: Touching? Maybe. Cheesy and predictable? Possibly. Adorable? Boy, I hope so. Safe? As a lead mountain bunker designed to protect world leaders and celebrities during an asteroid shower.

CODE BLUE (Guarded risk of bringing about the end of the world as we know it): PARANORMAL ACTIVITY

The Gist: An independent ghost thriller about a couple convinced their new house is haunted. They decide to document the nocturnal occurrences and are shocked at the horror that they discover. Limited release (but pointedly NOT New York and LA).

The Prophecy: While this EXORCIST meets BLAIR WITCH PROJECT totally messes with this couple's life, the Horsewomen find this supposedly "terrifying" paranormal activity just part of the normal day-to-day. Human audiences, however, should be scared witless and potentially pee their pants. Either way, this is *Miss War's Best Bet of the Weekend!*

CODE YELLOW (Elevated threat of Doomsday results after seeing this movie): PANDORUM

The Gist: Dennis Quaid and Ben Foster play a pair of astronauts who awake on their spaceship to find that they are the only crew members on board. Not only that, but they have amnesia! In true sci-fi thriller fashion, they quickly discover that "they are not alone." (Oooooooo. Twist!)

The Prophecy: Hey! How did movie bosses know what I did last weekend?! Don't you worry Ben and Dennis, it's probably just your friends playing an uber-mean practical joke on you after you passed out from too many tequila shots. (Thanks a lot, Conquest. Bitch.)

CODE ORANGE (High probability of Fire and Brimstone chasing you out of the theater): SURROGATES

The Gist: "In a world" where everyone has a "surrogate" robot of themselves to go out and live life for them, someone messes with the "system" and people start dying while logged into the "system." Only the real Bruce Willis (not "Bruce Willis," the surrogate robot with weird hair), can save them. Obviously.

The Prophecy: We think this movie's premise warrants too many "ironic quotes" for it NOT to be apocalyptic. And while synthetic biology/human-nanobot hybrids are a serious issue (and the front runner for my vote for the apocalypse), we can't help but wonder if SURROGATES is just Bruce Willis seeing "fake people."

CODE RED (WARNING! WARNING! This WILL cause the destruction of the fabric of the Universe!) : FAME
The Gist: 29 years after the original film and exceptional television adaptation, Hollywood felt compelled to remake FAME for the "High School Musical" generation.
The Prophecy: WHYYYYYYYYYY?!!?? Why remake this? Why set it in a NYC that isn't nearly as dirty, crazy, and just plain weird as NYC circa 1980? What good can come of this? Nothing short of catastrophic, that's what. This might as well star Zac Efron (and I LIKE Zac Efron!). And it's not just us. According to critics, he awesome deeply bizarreness of the musical theater scene of 1980's New York can't possibly be replicated in this You Tube driven, Hannah Montana world setting. Even the posters look like iPod ads!

OTHER ~~THREATS~~ TREATS

BRIEF INTERVIEWS WITH HIDEOUS MEN - The only sign of the apocalypse in this movie is director John Krasinski's recent engagement to PRADA actress Emily Blunt. Sorry Ladies.

CAPITALISM: A LOVE STORY - I think we all know Michael Moore's deal by now.

COCO BEFORE CHANEL - Strong reviews and the ever-adorable Audrey Tautou? Why not!?

Til Death Do We Part - Miss Famine

2009-09-23T12:24:00.000-07:00

oooOOO! Hello little survivors! I have been out and about and have been neglecting my posting duties. (Shame! Shame on me! slaps hand*) But I have a good, no, great excuse. I have been helping a fellow fashionista plan the Wedding of the Century (and I can vouch for this. I've been around for a few centuries, as it were.)

We've got it down to the last minute details and are busy as nuclear bees getting ready for this posh event.

The theme? Dark Alice in Wonderland. Why dark? What with the sun being blotted out by volcanic ash, we didn't have much choice. But it will be whimsical. Besides, dark weddings rule.

The bride will wear pink Carolina Herrera (no sense in that one wearing white. The jig is up..) and the groom will wear black to represent his dying youth and a decay into the wasteland of married life. Huzzah! If we are lucky, several guests will be beheaded by the time this is over, in true Alice fashion.

I've got some wonderful surprises whipped up for them. Hint: A grooms cake in the shape of the Bride and Groom's severed heads, complete with red velvet and blood filling.

God is in the details as they say. We will party like it's 1899. I will be posting photos after the party. All of the girls will be there too! Miss Death, Miss Conquest (she cleans up at weddings) and of course, Miss War.

More wedding updates to follow as the time draws near.

Best Calendar EVER - Miss Famine

2009-09-23T12:16:00.000-07:00

I've found my 2010 calendar readers, and I'm so excited about it I'm practically dancing around the hovel. Not ONLY does this calendar celebrate truly Harbinger worthy cahones, it's for a good cause AND...

It's full of naked old people.

That's right, my next calendar is going to be "Pin-Up Boys of Atlantic Shores" a pin up calendar featuring 69-60 year old NAKED DUDES which supports the Virginia Beach rescue squad.

Cheers to you gentlemen, for truly outstanding attitudes in the face of the current apocalyptic lack of funding for, well, anything important.

Review: BEER WARS - Miss Conquest

2009-09-23T11:43:00.000-07:00

Anat Baron's BEER WARS claims to be "An irreverent and comical journey through the underbelly of the American beer industry." This got me all excited. Nothing pleases a Mistress of the Apocalypse like a good seamy underbelly. Sadly, Beer Wars is more like Beer Business Negotiations and the underbelly stays pretty much hidden in this tame attempt at a corporate scandal documentary.

Beer Wars is more like watching a soothing Sesame Street documentary... except, you know, it's about beer. You'd think that would make it more scintillating than a documentary about crayons, but that would not be the case.

Miss Baron's stylish forth grade teacher vibe is more than partially responsible for her documentary's mild, educational tone. And, she doesn't help herself any by starting her anti-corporate scumbaggary documentary with a tiny animated version of herself informing us that when she was little she wanted to be a corporate CEO.

But, we Horsewomen DO have to give her bonus apocalypse points for being both a former beer industry exec and then for proceeding to make her first foray into the documentary directing world all about alochol when she is, in fact, allergic to the stuff.

If only she'd taken her serious, "fun learning time" persona and applied it in a way that was as quirky, smart and unexpected as the art on her website. Instead, she takes the tone of preachy americana that the very brew-giants she's attacking (Coors, Bud and Miller for those who have never been to a grocery store) use in their ubiquitous commercials.

The real culprit, though, for the boring factor in this doc, is the fact that the so called "beer wars" aren't presented in a particularly innovative or intriguing way here. Anat skims over the old school local brands that were killed off after prohibition by the major brands, giving them thirty second or less of attention, and spends almost no time talking about the fun stuff like gorilla ad campaigns, stories of professional sabotage (we all like a good spy game) or the legal battles for home brewers and moonshine makers.

Her cause isn't helped by a lackluster soundtrack and subjects who are generally upper middle class beer enthusiasts who may be fighting the man, but don't seem to be hurting too badly for it. These aren't local steel mill workers being put out of work by their factory moving overseas. They aren't even the factory employees who would lose their jobs if Budweiser manages to buy their local brewery. They're hard working small business people who are facing the very same challenges that small business owners everywhere are staring down everyday.

Is it tough taking on Golath? Sure. But thems the breaks kids, and, as far as Beer Wars can tell me, there are a lot of people in this business doing pretty well. Anat doesn't seem to recognize that she's taking on a well worn problem, and she doesn't connect it to the fates of small businesses everywhere nor does she expose what makes this struggle unique other than... booze.

This leaves us feeling like this is really about beer, instead of about the end of local businesses (and the end of the world) as we know it. Anat doesn't manage to tap into the Michael Moore style anti-big business fervor that could have really made this film have weight. One brewer even says "we're making beer, it's not nuclear armament's." Well why not buddy? Nuclear beer would be MUCH more interesting.

But Anat doesn't expose any of the details of this particular struggle, so she can't give her subject the kind of tension and energy that Moore does with his films, which is a shame. It's not like the potential isn't here. The "big three" beer companies are just as nasty and anti-worker, anti-local community, anti-well, just about everybody, as any other major business. And they SELL BOOZE. They should be fascinating, cut throat and hilarious and, in Anat's hands, they just aren't.

Lesson here - buy local, think global and drink beer. If you want to learn more about beer, check out http://beerwarsmovie.com which is far more interesting, innovative and engaging than the movie it's promoting.

Apocalypse in the News - They Grow Trees on Mars? - Miss Conquest

2009-09-23T11:37:00.000-07:00

I do so love vacationing on Mars, but I have never ever seen a tree there. Which is why this picture shocked me:

I have to admit. I panicked a little bit. My favorite beach resort turning into a forrest. Talk about environmental catastrophe. Then I read the caption a little more closely.

That's not Mars at all... that's Sydney, Australia.

Phew.

Just a little apocalyptic dust storm, noooo problem.

Avast, ye!! Here, There Be Rum! - Miss Famine

2009-09-19T17:52:00.000-07:00

Ahoy! And welcome aboard, maties! Grab ye bottle o' rum, batten down the hatches and prepare to swash swash buckle buckle, else you'll be a son of a biscuit eater and forced to walk the bloody plank!

No, I haven't had a stroke.

It's INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY!!!

ITLAP Day is this Horsewoman's favorite holiday, second only to Halloween (and sometimes Arbor Day), and I cannot wait to celebrate tonight at my anual "Barrel o' Rum & Then Some!" Pirate Party.

Pirates have always been a friend of the Horsewomen. It's not surprising, really. For hunreds of years we've all been a bunch of really bad eggs together. Like Horsewomen, Pirates are awesome harbingers of evil and chaos AND they enjoy a good party and a really strong drink! In fact, in the great Cosmic Evil e-Dating Site of Evil, some of our best matches are Pirates -- Blackbeard, Captain Kidd, Captain Morgan, Jack Sparrow... And Anne Bonny is one of our favorite shopping partners! (Girl has an eye for boots that's been unmatched for more than 300 years.)

Because we can't plunder and pillage ALL the time, tonight we're taking a little breather and living it up, Davy Jones Locker style. Every year the girls and I chose a theme for the party that extends beyond just any old pirates. One year we did a "Barbary Coast" theme and served Moroccan food. Last year we did a Peter Pan theme and everyone came dressed as different characters and we decorated with clocks and crocodiles.

This year the theme is Island Rum Running!

The Deal: Other than dressing like a Caribbean Pirate, everyone brings their favorite rum drink mixer. I will hide three bottles of rum around the hovel. If you find it, it's YOURS!

The Decorations: Full blown tropical island. Palm trees. Tiki torches and bar. Sand pit.

The Food: Macadamia Nut-Crusted Chicken with Honey-Mustard Dip. Pineapple Upside Down Cake. Rum infused Fruit.

The Drink: RUUUUMMMMM!!!!! (And something else...IF you're a lightweight.)

The Music: A mix of Pirate movie soundtracks (Pirates of the Caribbean - The Curse of the Black Pearl, The Black Swan, Treasure Island... Muppet Treasure Island...), Sea Shanties.

The Games: Poker, Black Jack, and a Treasure Hunt! (Scavanger hunt for gold coins of the chocolate variety.)

So come on all you landlubbers! Weigh anchor and hoist the mizzen and set sail for Captain Famine's Humble Hovel, where the rum flows free and the wenches are friendly, and not a single scallywag goes home until we're all three sheets to the wind!

Savvy?

Friday Movie Pre-Review - Miss War

2009-09-18T13:29:00.000-07:00

It's fall and the cinema's are flush with movies again after the August drought. We've got a regular mosh pit of movies to discuss this weekend. Let's do a little prejudging without provocation, shall we?

The Good:

THE INFORMANT, directed by Steven Soderbergh and staring a fantastically vacant eyed Matt Damon, looks like a slam dunk. The trailer is hilarious, and we have the feeling that Soderbergh and Damon have more than a little corporate farse up their sleaves here. Damon dropped in his interview with Jon Stewart on Wednesday night that he was playing a man with "a huge number of secrets." Well, this Horsewomen can't wait to see what these two are up to!

The Bad:

JENNIFER'S BODY written by the ubiquitous Diablo Cody and staring Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried, the only thing this promises is disappointed Horsewomen. We love the apocatastic concept of an evil high school bitch who is actually a beast from hell "Not High School evil... evil, evil." But, according to critical consensus, it is neither funny enough, nor scary enough to really be satisfying. Will the Harbingers of the Apocalypse agree? We'll see.

The Questionable:

LOVE HAPPENS is, judging solely by hearsay and trailers, a typical big studio weeper. Will it be fresh? Probably not. Will it be clever? Doesn't seem like. Will you laugh and cry and watch it on Sunday mornings while doing laundry when it's playing on Lifetime? Totally. Would you be better off hitting up BRIGHT STAR, the other kissy face movie coming out this weekend, directed by the fabulous Jane Campion? Almost certainly.

Everything Else:

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS - Is all about food falling from the sky.

BURNING PLAIN - Doesn't have a strong enough marketing team, the Horsewomen didn't even know this one was on the horizon.

DEVIL GIRL - Is a sign of the apocalypse....

There's more, but frankly, it's time to actually hit the multiplex! No more prejudging, time for actually judging. Let the celuiod roll!

Killing Zombies? There's An App For That. - Miss Conquest

2009-09-18T07:22:00.000-07:00

I finally did it. And yes, I’m a little bit proud. And yes, you can call me a sell out or a marketing junky -- falling for catchy jingles, sleek exteriors, and bright and shiny images. But in these dangerous times you’ve gotta stay connected and my old, non-trusty Blackberry just wasn’t cutting it anymore. I NEEDED something new. Something reliable and survival-ready.

And that's when I wondered... Say I'm living in a horrible post-apocalyptic, alien-invaded, zombie-infested, new-ice-age world and I want to...you know...NOT die.

Yeah. There’s an app for that.

This week I hopped on over to the good old Apple Store and picked me up a new fangled iPhone! And I was incredibly pleased to find that this latest iPhone is all about safety safety SAFETY.

Sure, it’s got the basics: Internet, emails, and text messages. No more missing important warnings like, “Do NOT take 3rd Street. PETA Zombies are protesting non-organic, corn-fed brains!” (Now there are 2 hours I'll never get back. Totally missed my double date with Miss Death and one of Grimmy’s friends – and he was cute too! Had all of his appendages and everything.)

And as expected, the iPhone has GoogleMaps and a compass so you can still find your way back to your hovel even when all of the landmarks have been blown up.

And there are a number of calendar options to keep track of your life (shopping with Miss Death on Tuesday, apocalyptic movie screening with War on Thursday, and Miss Conquest’s The Beatles: Rock Band Party on Saturday).

Sure it’s got those. Blackberries have those too.

But what Blackberries DON’T have are THESE lifesaving applications:

BUMP – Share data with other iPhone users on the run just by holding two phones together, Vulcan Mind-Meld style. Just be careful whom you’re melding with. Leprosy is no picnic, folks.

URBAN SPOON – Because when your favorite deli has been raided by ROUS’s, you need to find a non-infested one right away!

HEY WHERE ARE YOU? – Never again wonder where your loved ones are after “The Big One” or the latest "Sharks-With-Legs" attack. “Hey Where Are You?” links all of your hiding locations and safe houses together. Beacon-tastic.

LIGHTSABER – Obama’s got one. Why don’t you?

TWEET DECK – Because when you overhear that someone’s going to drop a bomb (literally) you’ve gotta get the word out, STAT.

And it gets even better…

ZOMBIE ATTACK! – I’ve never seen such a realistic and useful zombie-killing simulator. Save trapped civilians from advancing zombies. How many times have we all found ourselves in THAT situation?? It’s the perfect training app.

ZOMBIE WEATHERMAN –He doesn’t just tell you the hot and cold of it all, he tells you when it’s going to rain blood, what days will be nuclear-fallout days, and when the sun is going to explode. Better dress accordingly.

ZOMBIE NOMBIE – A teeny little zombie man for you to mess with. Ah, pent up apocalyptic aggression. Gone and GONE.

ZOMBIE vs. SHEEP – I haven’t even used this app yet, but it has the best title EVER. My money’s on the sheep!

iDRACULA – Another training simulation game. Practice makes perfect, people! You think Buffy was just BORN an ace Slayer?? Well…ok.

APOCALYPSE ZOMBIE FISH – Other than tying Zombie vs. Sheep for the best title ever, this app features “Zombie fish” and pipe bombs. Eventually you get to “Zombie Sharks.” Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So help a newbie out. What are some of your favorite survival apps, readers? Tell me what should I download NEXT?

Why It's Great To Have a Jedi President - Miss Conquest

2009-09-17T10:49:00.000-07:00

We here in the apocalypse are constantly disappointed in our dear President Obama's constant lack of apocalyptic hysteria mongering. The guy just isn't good at stirring up the end of the world party. However, now that we know that he's a JEDI, we may be willing to cut him some slack:

Coolest. President. Ever. Now if only he'd start bringing the lightsaber to health care debates, maybe he could get some decisions made and then we could all get back to the real issues. Like negotiating ownership of Alaska with the Zorgons from Planet Zorg.

Music to Melt Faces - Miss War

2009-09-16T10:23:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling particularly bad ass today, darlings, so unsnap those fanny packs and try to keep up. It's Music Wednesday and I've put together a list of new and old music that will help get you pumped for the next time some asshole zombie jumps you in the parking lot of the A&P when all you wanted was some Fudge Ripple Ice Cream.

5. Megadeath - "Dialectic Chaos"
...cause when I first read the title of the track I thought it said "Diabetic Chaos," and I thought "shit, someone get David Mustaine some insulin!"

4. Shakira - "SheWolf"
Oh Shakira, you sexy little vixen! (cat sound)

3. Motherboar - "Grillin and Killin"
Can't lose with either of those options.

2. Muse - "Uprising"
Who and their mother isn't forming an uprising these days? Sometimes battling the revolt of the lesser masses is effing exhausting.

1. Professor Murder - "Free Stress Test"
Go ahead, put your feet up and forget all about that Vamp that didn't call you back. He probably still lives in his mother's basement.

And lastly, here is a video of Sesame Street singing Slayer. Grover can thrash.

Happy Wednesday, you little freaks.

Farewell, Patrick Swayze. You've given us the time of our lives, and we'll never forget you. - Miss War

2009-09-15T07:03:00.000-07:00

The Four Horsewomen are heartbroken, Readers. And I know we are not alone.

Singing, dancing, and acting icon, Patrick Swayze, lost his hard-fought battle with pancreatic cancer yesterday afternoon. He was 57.

I feel as though a bright, shining light of my childhood has gone out (and not for the first time this year). Years ago, when we were younger, before we became the Horsewomen you know and love today, we were but mere horseteenagers, nay, horsegirls, giggling about girlish things during our weekly Friday night slumber parties.

Little Death insisted that we play fashion show (even though NONE of us could fit into her tiny little fashionista frocks). Little Famine always wanted to make chocolate chip cookies, even though they ALWAYS burned (she hadn’t yet learned how to control the fire and brimstone under the cauldron). And Little Conquest was constantly sneaking a ciggy or two and then out she went, through the window to meet up with a fellow (or two…).

But me…all I wanted were the movies. THE slumber party movies. The ones that made us swoon, made us dance, made us laugh and cry. You know the ones… Top Gun, 16 Candles, Breakfast Club… Ferris Bueller… I could watch them forever.

But there was one man who was a constant in these slumber party movies. And he was THE perfect man. Charming. Dashing. Dark and mysterious, but with a quick smile. Debonair and rough around the edges all at the same time. And the man could sing and dance like he was sent from above.

Patrick Swayze fueled our summer camp dreams in Dirty Dancing. He taught us that you don’t put your heel down, you stay in your own dance space and hold the frame, and one of the most important lessons of my young life – Nobody puts Baby in a corner. EVER. Don’t even think about it.

But Swayze wasn’t just a pair of perfectly swiveling hips – he was the ULTIMATE romantic hero. In Ghost he defied DEATH (and she does NOT like to be defied) to get back to his beloved Demi Moore. Phew. It does not get more romantic than that. Every time those first Unchained Melody notes would float through the speakers, my heart fluttered with a thousand moths. ‘Maybe I should take a pottery class,’ I thought. I would surely find my soul mate there. And we would mold clay happily forever after.

Mr. Swayze, you molded my girlhood like you molded that clay. You brought these characters to life and showed us that chivalry was very much alive. And while we’ve watched you struggle with this horrible disease for the last 20 months, we Horsewoman would rather remember you as the agile, graceful legend that you were –

So here’s to you, Patrick Swayze. And you, Johnny Castle. And to you, Sam Wheat. May you rest in peace and live on forever in our hearts.

Perfect Accessories for Repurposing Your Summer Wardrobe for Fall... or Nuclear Fallout - Miss Death

2009-09-14T13:41:00.000-07:00

The seasons have become a little random here in the apocalypse... Spring today, Winter tomorrow, Summer the day after that. But, it is the season traditionally considered Fall, so lets talk about turning that breezy summer wardrobe into something that can survive Fall breezes and the more common nuclear fall out drill conditions.

1. Scarves!

This is kind of an obvious one, but adapting the Spring and Summer scarf trend into cooler days is a smart way to update last years sweaters and jackets and take advantage of that silky scarfyou bought on impulse in July. Scarves are, of course, the ultimate survival accessory. The larger, floatier types that are stylish now double well as blankets, tourniquets, pillows, rope ladders and weapons. Who could ask for more from an accessory.

2. Red Bags!

The "it" color for that "it" bag this season is siren red. Red is a perfect, fun, poppy color that can add weight to flimsy summer dresses and give lightness to darker fall colors AND a smart choice for anyone in our apocalyptic age. Need to flag down a rescue chopper? Swing that bag. Need to slip into a disaster zone? Slap a + on that bag in white tape and suddenly you're a medic. Need to scare away an alien? They HATE red, wave that bag in their face and off they go.

3. Tights!

The perfect accessory for turning capris, summer dresses and rompers into the super stars of your fall wardrobe. Opaque tights are going to be everywhere this fall, and not just because they keep your legs warm in those October cold snaps.

Protecting your legs from cold is great, but there's so much more to protect those delicate stems from these days. Toxic waste... Zombies... killer plant life... you name it, a good pair of tights will keep you safe from it. AND they'll make you're legs look smokin' hot.

Downside? We just don't see one.

Enjoy that Fall shopping kids!

Halloween is on it's way, protect your BRAINS! - Miss Famine

2009-09-14T07:19:00.000-07:00

Oh I know what you're saying. "Miss Famine, what's with the melodrama? We protect our brains all the time!"

But with Halloween upon us, you know the ghouls, ghosts, vamps, were-beings, zombies and circus-folk will be out and about en masse, and you know how excited they get around this time of year.

So why not pick yourself up some cute decorations whilst protecting your adorable little brains.

And if you don't know about Etsy.com by this point, well you cute little cave-dweller, consider yourself schooled.

I was brainstorming (HA! Brains...) over this little mug o'java and I came across the Etsy Halloween Goods Feature. GAH! TWEEK! Excitement! Click...buy...click...buy...

I ordered this Zombie versus Mummy Checkerboard to bring to the party at Miss Death's house (sure to be an extravaganza). Then, I ordered another Glass Jar with an Eyeball (God knows why, I've got plenty.)

After placing these orders, I needed a stiff drink. So I placed another order for these fantabulous stemless (HA AGAIN!) Skeleton Hand Wine Glasses. (Get it? Stemless? No arms?) and then I bought another VooDoo Doll (above) because I'm sick of that bitch at Trader Joe's giving me the stink eye when I bring 13 items to the 12 item line at the checkout.

And lastly, for your enjoyment, I like dis bunny. His name is "Bandito."

So start stocking up now for what promises to be a lovely Halloween, you little brain-suckers!

Apocalypse at the Movies - Miss War

2009-09-13T18:19:00.000-07:00

Okay, so we ALL love a good apocalypse. We Horswomen can't really blame Hollywood for being a little obsessed right now. But, we CAN blame them for portraying the apocalypse poorly. I had a weekend full of apocalyptic movies and I'm more than a little disappointed in the effort.

9 is at least pretty, which is about the least we could expect from a movie sheparded by Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov. But, despite frequent Burton collaborator screenwriter Pam Pettler at least donating some decent dialogue, the story never makes it past feeling a very pretty puzzle game with ocassional dialogue scenes tossed in to explain the next puzzle or action sequence.

The movie is only 79 minutes long, and it really could have used that extra 10 minutes of character development and plotting to make the traditional 90 minute minimum for a movie. Oh, and if they ever wanted to say explain how their mystical solution to the end of life on earth actually works, that would have been cool too.

It's really too bad that 9 turned out to be a plot fail, because the concept of a vintage apocalypse movie is awesome (this movie seems to posit that their apocalypse began sometime after World War II). Visually, the animation of 9 is beautiful too. A mix of intensely detailed, near three-d digital for the characters and water color like backgrounds plays with the best of both digital and hand drawn animation styles.

While 9 isn't painful, it's certainly nothing terribly exciting. It gets one partially severed thumbs up. If you're joning for Burton or Bekmambetov, check out Beetlejuice or Night Watch.

If you MUST go to the theater to see your apocalypse, then do yourself a favor and sit through the inoffensively confusing 9. Skip Gamer. The fact that this movie has a 25% fresh rating on www.rottentomatoes.com is mildly alarming - the fact that are actually a few reviewers who think this movie has something deep to say is not the kind of sign of the apocalypse we Horsewomen can be proud of. Either those producers got a special decoder ring that I missed, or they're suffering from a little end of the world madness induced by Gerard's pecs and a large number of needlessly bared breasts that dominate the movie.

Gamer is confusing, confused and barely qualifies as a real movie. It makes the Horsewomen a little embarrassed to be a part of the film industry, frankly. And all that's before Michael C Hall starts his dance routine. Yes, you read that right. No, it's not worth seeing the movie just to see his magnificent weirdness. Save yourself a headache and just buy Dexter. This is two emphatically severed thumbs down.

These movies are equally well cast and equally plot poor. The apocalypse is no excuse for shoddy plotting. Who told Hollywood that 90's computer games could be strung together and made into movies? Hollywood, take it from me, they lied.