Let's Just Ignore That Hiatus - Miss War

When did we last post a blog...let's see here. Jesus Christmas! June 11?? Time flies when it doesn't exist.

Important Updates from Our Hiatus: Same shit, different day. Frankly, there just wasn't much to report. BP killed off the Gulf (which saved us loads of time.) Justin Cronin came out with the Vampire Bible known as "The Passage," and we got tan this summer. Hallefreakinlujah.

The office doors are open and we are hard at work blogging again (can you hear us? Blog bloggity blog blog.) We also just hired a new freelance writer to help us out because the dude levels around this office were running dangerously low.

Meet Martin. He is our new freelance blogger and he is a boy. That pretty much summed up everything that we knew about him until about a week ago. Then things got interesting.

Martin is a bit green. He's wet behind the ears. He's willing, eager and stupid. How he convinced us to let him write for us, I will never know. All I know is that Miss Death has been throwing her clavicle up in his face all week like a cheap zombie trick. Thankfully, the kid can string two sentences together in some semblance of a blog post, so we'll keep him around for now. But I digress.

There's one hell of a zombie virus running amok. Just like flu season, it comes and goes, but this outbreak has been bad. Nearly everyone we're friends with has come down with it. So it goes without saying that our easily excited and not-very-smart freelancer, Martin, got caught with his proverbial pants down one night while jogging through the neighborhood and long story short, the kid's a damn zombie now.

He's doing well considering. Once the projectile bloody vomiting subsided and his orifices stopped leaking and he took a shower, he's fairly back to normal, apart from the whole "becoming a zombie" thing. He's actually getting out more. We suspect he had a date last week with the zombie secretary from the office next door.

But since this whole zombie thing is still new to Martin, the real problems haven't started yet. See, zombie-ism comes with a whole new set of problems if you will. There's the constant oozing, the agonizing pain as your cells die, and the leprosy. Martin will, within a few weeks, literally go to pieces right before our very eyes. Moisturize all you like, Martin. Your skin is still going to fall off.

We did what we thought was best and took a bunch of bets at Martin's expense. We've got a really solid pool going right now on which body part will fall off first. I have $25 on his fingers going first. Miss Death put $40 on his legs. And Miss Famine is just a filthy dirtball.

If he hopes to get anywhere with this secretary, he's going to have to do it fast.

We'll keep you updated on Martin and his zombie shortcomings, and we also solemnly vow to keep blogging! No more hiatus.No more messing around. We are serious, damnit! Blog bloggity blog blog!

Until next time, here's hoping Miss Famine is wrong - for Martin's sake.

Valentine's Day Gets Our Blood Pumping... - Miss War

...and our bowels moving. Maybe that's just me.

Check out this sweetness from FML.

"Today, my boyfriend informed me that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, he'd kill me before I got infected. FML."

We beg to differ! That's not an FML situation! That's very sweet and endearing and if any of us had a boy/halfbreed/creature say that to us, we'd get all misty-eyed and maybe pee just a little.

We will be spending Valentine's Day out and about this year! The four of us girls have plans to catch a viewing of Spinal Tap at Coolidge Corner, and then we're going out to gorge ourselves on Red Velvet cupcakes with blood red frosting from KickAss Cupcakes in Davis.

How do you intend to spend your Valentine's Day, little zombies? And don't say "hanging by a noose." We don't need the melodrama.

Human v. Zombie: People, this is NOT a game! -Miss Conquest

What is this bullshit? Have we not spread the warnings? Have you not seen what happens when you toy with the undead? Clearly no one is taking this seriously. (hangs head in frustration) (withered sigh)

College kids have given up on the ever popular sports of Frisbee Golf and Drinking Til You Pass Out With No Pants and are instead taking up the new game of Humans v. Zombies. The teams are divided up (like Sharks and Fishes) and players take turns "fighting" one another in a tag-like setting using Nerf guns.

Are you shitting me? Nerf guns.

Why not just hit them with pillows and balloons? Perhaps you could just blow kisses at them?

Government test labs the world over have been harvesting all sorts of zombie-creating diseases. Hell, even Lady Gaga wants to be a zombie ("I want your ugly, I want your disease.") But to make a game of this in some light hearted attempt at irony is just reinforcing the notion that college kids are idiots and the world is not taking this zombie epidemic seriously enough.

"We must stop these college jerks from trivializing the threat of the undead." - Stephen Colbert (political commentator, human sympathizer).

Sure! It's all fun and games until you find yourself face to face with a real zombie, and all you have to defend yourself is a Nerf Big Bad Titan, which fires foam darts at a speed of .002 mph. At that speed, you could walk over and kick them in the nuts faster. Long story short, you're a dead man. 

People. I implore you. Do NOT partake in this mindless game. It perpetuates false stereotypes about the severity of this deadly disease (Zombitis). Nerf guns will not save you, you silly-nancys. While the girls and I are out fighting off REAL zombies every. single. day. you jerktards are out skipping through wildflower fields throwing foam darts at one another.

Thank you, Mr. Colbert, for giving this game your highest threat level warning. At least someone is taking this seriously.
As Stephen Colbert so perfectly put it: "Hey college kids, stop playing fake zombies and get back to what you are supposed to be doing. Playing fake lesbians and fake vegetarians."

Don't say we didn't warn you.