The End of the World Is No Excuse - Miss War

I am, obviously, totally aware that the apocalypse is nigh.  It's my JOB.  I get it.  But really, Hollywood, who told you that just because it's the end of the world you're allowed to get sloppy and stop making even half decent movies?  It sure wasn't a Horsewomen.

And yet, as far as the last month or so has to offer, pretty much everyone in Hollywood got the memo - plot? character? not. necessary.

Culprits?

Think...

 Or...

 

Or even...

The latest offender?  Bruce Willis' latest - SURROGATES.  While this particular take on the popular human beings living through robots genre (not sure where everyone got this idea, virtual reality went out in the 90's everybody knows that) isn't nearly as attrocious as some (cough... GAMER), it's no gem. 

And WHY is it not a gem?  Where has the luster and potential that Mr. Willis (one of our favorites) brings to the table gone?  It's gone into that blackhole that SHOULD be plotting and character development.

Mr.'s Brancato and Ferris owe this Horsewoman a great Bruce Willis action flick.  And Hollywood?  Get your act together.  We're begging here.  When it takes the one two punch of Stephen Soderbergh and Matt Damon to make even a DECENT movie, this apocalypse is in a sorry state indeed.

Apocalypse at the Movies - Miss War

Okay, so we ALL love a good apocalypse.  We Horswomen can't really blame Hollywood for being a little obsessed right now.  But, we CAN blame them for portraying the apocalypse poorly.  I had a weekend full of apocalyptic movies and I'm more than a little disappointed in the effort.

9 is at least pretty, which is about the least we could expect from a movie sheparded by Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov.  But, despite frequent Burton collaborator screenwriter Pam Pettler at least donating some decent dialogue, the story never makes it past feeling a very pretty puzzle game with ocassional dialogue scenes tossed in to explain the next puzzle or action sequence.

The movie is only 79 minutes long, and it really could have used that extra 10 minutes of character development and plotting to make the traditional 90 minute minimum for a movie.  Oh, and if they ever wanted to say explain how their mystical solution to the end of life on earth actually works, that would have been cool too.

It's really too bad that 9 turned out to be a plot fail, because the concept of a vintage apocalypse movie is awesome (this movie seems to posit that their apocalypse began sometime after World War II).  Visually, the animation of 9 is beautiful too.  A mix of intensely detailed, near three-d digital for the characters and water color like backgrounds plays with the best of both digital and hand drawn animation styles. 

While 9 isn't painful, it's certainly nothing terribly exciting.  It gets one partially severed thumbs up.  If you're joning for Burton or Bekmambetov, check out Beetlejuice or Night Watch.

If you MUST go to the theater to see your apocalypse, then do yourself a favor and sit through the inoffensively confusing 9.  Skip Gamer.  The fact that this movie has a 25% fresh rating on www.rottentomatoes.com is mildly alarming - the fact that are actually a few reviewers who think this movie has something deep to say is not the kind of sign of the apocalypse we Horsewomen can be proud of.  Either those producers got a special decoder ring that I missed, or they're suffering from a little end of the world madness induced by Gerard's pecs and a large number of needlessly bared breasts that dominate the movie.

Gamer is confusing, confused and barely qualifies as a real movie.  It makes the Horsewomen a little embarrassed to be a part of the film industry, frankly.  And all that's before Michael C Hall starts his dance routine.  Yes, you read that right.  No, it's not worth seeing the movie just to see his magnificent weirdness.  Save yourself a headache and just buy Dexter.  This is two emphatically severed thumbs down.

These movies are equally well cast and equally plot poor.  The apocalypse is no excuse for shoddy plotting. Who told Hollywood that 90's computer games could be strung together and made into movies?  Hollywood, take it from me, they lied.

In Theaters this Labor Day - The Apocalypse! - Miss War

Labor Day is the long weekend least noticed by the film industry, so, predictably, the movies out this weekend are a tad on the lackluster side, at least in quality.  But, there is PLENTY of apocalypse to go around on this lovely three day fiesta of bbq's, beach going and zombie hunting.

GAMER, staring Gerard Butler's pecs, Michael C. Hall's meniacle grin an Chris "Ludacris" Bridges soulful monologues, is an interesting depiction of Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor's vision of the apocalypse.  If the trailers are any indication, it's a little lacking in space borne super plagues and alien tap dancing (we all know that's the most annoying part of the apocalypse, nothing with that many legs should be allowed on So You Think You Can Dance, it's just not fair to the two legged competition).  But, we Horsewomen always appreciate an imaginative re-envisioning of our work, so we're willing to give it a fair viewing.

ALL ABOUT STEVE, on the other hand, seems to be bringing about the kind of apocalypse that all of us can do without.  If the posters are to be believed, even the cast seems to think this movie is ridiculous.  The critics agree, universally, with the sole exception of The Globe and Mail.  Even we, the maven's of doom, have never dared create something so universally painful, embarassing and regretable.  When we destroy, we destroy in style.  When Phil Traill wrecks havoc, he draws it out into a long painful death.  We are usually big fans of Miss. Bullock, but even the most kick ass of ladies can make a mistake or two.  Check out the Horsewomen's Boutique for some of her great work, rather than putting yourself through this stunner.

Am I judging this movie unfairly without every seeing it?  Sure.  But I'm a harbinger of doom, if I didn't pre judge sometimes I'd never get any rest!

Pick your apocalypse, enjoy your weekend and let us know what you think?  Apocalypse by b-movie gore, or by over done movie princess insanity?  I know we girls will be out picnicking, shopping, cooking and enjoying our apocalyptic cinema options.