Learning to Love Life After LOST - Miss War

We're approaching "The End."  And I'm preparing to mourn.  As of this Sunday (11:31pm PST), I will be a regular Queen Victoria.

 They say she was mourning her Prince. I say she was mourning TWIN PEAKS.

But to be honest, I'm already starting to spiral.  I can already feel the harrowing, gaping hole that will be left when...

What? I am NOT over-dramatic! How DARE you!?

Sigh.

Ok. You're right.  I took a sacred vow to help you all survive the Apocalypse.  And it's game time, people.  Because if the end of LOST isn't the end of the World, I don't know what is.  So the last thing I should be doing right now is sobbing silently while curled up in a corner.

I know, I know.  I can hear you all loud and clear:  "Suck it up, War!"  "It's just a flipping TV show!"  "Do your JOB!"

Well stop shouting already!!! I get it. You need your "guidance."  Your "survival tips."  Fine.

Babies.

So here it is.  A list of things to help you survive this horrible, traumatic, painful void you're about to experience.  My advice for defeating LOST Withdrawal,  aka:

Miss War's Helping Hands: Learning to Love Life After LOST.  

(Coming soon to a bookseller near you.)

 "Stage One: preparation. For this you will need: one room which you will not leave; one mattress; tomato soup, ten tins of; mushroom soup, eight tins of, for consumption cold; ice cream, vanilla, one large tub of; Magnesia, Milk of, one bottle; paracetamol; mouth wash; vitamins; mineral water; Lucozade; pornography --"  Wait.  Well, the pornography is optional.

1.) MAD MEN
Matthew Weiner's Emmy-hogging love/hate song to the 60's may not have the maddening island conundrums of LOST, but Don Draper is hands down our new favorite Man of Mystery.  Add in a cast of ridiculously flawed characters, vague and haunting pasts, and a decade that's more explosive than Jughead, and you've got one hell of a water cooler show.  Just fix yourself an Old Fashioned, put on your pillbox hat, and catch up on the first three seasons while patiently (read: anxiously) awaiting Season Four - set to premier on Sunday, July 25 on AMC.

2 oz Burbon
2 dashes of bitters
1 splash of water
1 tsp of superfine sugar (superfine!)
1 maraschino cherry 
1 orange wedge





2.) Reconnect With Your Non-LOST-Lovin' Friends.
You remember them, right?  You may have last talked to them sometime around the summer of 2004, right before you started spouting theories about purgatory and the Hanso Corp.  Well, they miss you.  Take them out to dinner.  Buy them a beer.  Apologize for being insane for the last six years, and then try engaging in conversations about less controversial topics.  Like politics.  And religion.


3.) READ
LOST did not, and does not, exist in a vacuum.  The producers love to "book-bomb" episodes, especially via the nick-name savvy Sawyer, and they've openly discussed their literary influences.  (Steven King's canon, specifically "The Stand" and "The Dark Tower" series are confirmed influences.)  There are even novels that the producers haven't mentioned, but have been sighted and dissected by a bunch of crazy LOST bloggers and critics (ahem, Doc Jensen).

It's no secret. Unlike Most TV shows, Lost desperately wants us to expand our minds.  And there's something here for everyone.  Whether you're looking to further your understanding of physics and the space/time continuum, open your soul to new philosophies, or simply reacquaint yourself with the classics, Lost has a book for you!

Here are just a few suggestions to kick off your summer reading list:

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass - by Lewis Carroll
Both have inspired more episode titles than any other book ("Through the Looking Glass," "White Rabbit"). In "The Lighthouse," Jack's Sideways Son, David, is reading the The Annotated Alice. Also, both books contain themes that are, ahem, mirrored ad nauseam in LOST.

The Brief History of Time - by Steven Hawking
Steven Hawking's attempt to explain Space, Time, and Physics to us non-geniuses. Seen on Ben's bookshelf, and it's a pretty safe bet that Hawking is the namesake of one Ms. Eloise Hawking, Governess of Time and Space.

Haroun and the Sea of Stories - by Salman Rushdie
Variable Desmond is reading this before he mysteriously disappears form Sideways Flight 815. Also, confirmed but reliable crazy man, Doc Jensen, is CONVINCED this book serves as a bedrock for Season 6.

BE HERE NOW - by Ram Dass (aka: Richard Alpert)
Let me try that again. By RICHARD ALPERT.  A book on spirituality and meditation written by Ricardos' namesake.  There are 108 pages in it. One might be so inclined to flip to pages 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.  Oh, and LOOK AT THE COVER.

Of Mice and Men -by John Steinbeck
Oh Sawyer, you quippy, pessimistic, lovable Redneck.  Of COURSE Steinbeck is your favorite author.  Every time you get even remotely close to the American Dream, someone up and yanks it out from under you. It's useless. Will anyone ever let you play house?  For a better and more intimate understanding of your favorite conman, Steinbeck's classic is a must-read.

For a more comprehensive list of Lost Literature, hop on over to Lostpedia.


4.)  TRAVEL
Hey, everybody! Guess what!  There's a whole wide world out there, and it exists OUTSIDE of your TV screen!

So you've spent six years immersed in a fictional world.  Now what?  Where do you start?

Let LOST be your guide!  Start off with a relaxing vacation in Oahu, Hawaii.  You can sunbath on the crash site beach, hike through the Ka'a'awa Valley, then go swimming in the Waimea Falls.

When you've had enough fun in the sun, take a conscience-bending tour of the British Isles and follow in Desmond's time-slipping footsteps.  Start in Desmond's home country of Scotland.  Give Edinburgh and the Highlands a whirl, but come prepared for some "end of the world type weather."  Then take the rail down for a few days in London, home of Widmore Industries.  London is full of life and magic - pay careful attention to street performers. You never know when you're going to stumble across a has-been rock star doing a cover of Oasis' "Wonderwall."  Finally, rush over to Oxford for some highbrow discussions about space/time.  And rats.

If you're feeling REALLY brave, jet off to the Outback itself. Sydney is only the beginning of your Australian adventure.  Gear up for a traditional Walkabout. Then hit the beach for some serious surfing (watch out for Dharma sharks), and finally take a tour of some traditional Australian farms.  Whatever you do, do not return to Los Angeles via any flight with a number that contains 8, 1, or 5.  We'd say Flight 397 is probably your best bet.

 "Guys, where are we?"  "Oahu, you moron."

So here we go!  Life after LOST!  I'm ready for it.  I really am.  And I hope you are now too.  If you have more ideas for how to deal with the void, share your thoughts below!


Namaste,
Miss War

Zombies Don't Eat Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats THEM. With a side of ketchup. And a pickle. - Miss War

Let us never again say that the Apocalypse is giving us craptastic movies!  In the wake of the shocking announcement that Sony will reboot the Spider-Man franchise with a younger, grittier, "Twilightier" version, we're now hearing (very faint) buzz that Paul Haggis is looking to give the same treatment to his classic series,"Walker, Texas Ranger."

 

BTW: THIS guy is being tapped as the new "gritty" Spidey.  When he blinks, his eyelids say "Badass" and "Awesome."

But how, you ask, could they EVER make Chuck Norris even grittier and badassier than he already is!!!??

Only Chuck Norris has the answer. And he's not in a sharing mood.

Well, after defeating every villain known to the West with his left pinkie, Chuck Norris went into a deep depression. But then as luck would have it, the Apocalypse hit! And he was back and better than ever!  Single-handedly stopping tsunamis by drinking entire oceans in a single gulp.  Eradicating subsequent droughts by taking an extended piss.  Who was there to slingshot the aliens back into orbit? Chuck Norris, that's who!  And who stopped California from slipping into the Pacific after The Big One by sewing tectonic plates back together with his own muscle fibers!? You guessed it! Chuck Norris! (Worry not, he's got enough muscle to wrap around the earth 47,000 times.)

While we have zero confirmation that plans for this already-classic-masterpiece even exists (pleasepleaseplease), it is our apoca-sworn duty to speculate on (read: make up) every possible detail.  Word from a mildly reliable source says the title will be DARK RANGER. Nice. Original. Like it.  And the plot will feature Chuck Norris going fist to sledge-hammer fist with his most vicious nemesis to date...

ZOMBIES. 

Real ones. NOT drunken trick-or-treaters.

But Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Zombies.  When Chuck Norris kills you, you STAY dead.  And when zombies try to eat Chuck Norris they choke on his titanium bones. And then he pieces himself back together.  Chuck Norris invented undead.

It looks like some zombies are about to get their shit. Fucked. UP.

I can only assume that the sequel will show us the most terrifying creature known to man: ZOMBIE CHUCK NORRIS.  I imagine that the plot will involve him roundhouse-kicking Satan in the face. Satan will then cry like a little bitch and hand over the Throne of Hell to Chuck Norris.  Chuck Norris will laugh at him, spit on the Throne, and then go skinny dipping in the River Styx.

 

Eternal Nightmares

If DARK RANGER isn't in the works, it SHOULD BE.  Comment below to sign our petition.  If you don't, Chuck Norris will...well you know.

How do zombies tweet? With their iPhones! (what? zombies need cell phones too...)- Miss War

Happy Birthday, Mr. Romero!!

In honor of visionary director George Romero's 70th birthday, the evil-tastic folks at FEARnet.com have officially declared today TWEET LIKE A ZOMBIE DAY!  We can only imagine this is somewhat like Talk Like a Pirate Day,  except you only have 140 characters with which to type "Arrrrrrrrrrrg!"

"Arrrg, braiiins arrrrrg mother smurfer!"  Hm.  Zombies DO talk like Pirates. And Smurfs.

Today we remember Romero's great contribution to the apocalypse: The Modern Zombie.  Before his masterpiece, NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD , rising from the dead had a VERY different connotation...

But thanks to Romero, today we can enjoy:

Buddy Zombies

Baby Zombies

And Dancing Zombies

So head on over to FEARnet.com, where all day they're paying tribute to the Master of Horror by posting interviews, streaming zombie-esque movies, teaching you how to move like a zombie, and other fun and festive grunt-worthy entertainment!

But don't forget to first go TWEET like a Zombie!

ILuvWar is at McBrains w  @Zombibrains & @humnsrtasty! NomNomArg!

Braaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnsss!
Miss War

Cha-Ching. New Moon's Predicted Fortune Spells A-P-O-C-A-L-Y-P-S-E. -Miss War

If there's one thing we Horsewomen do well, it's spot signs of the coming Apocalypse.  We're like rangers that way.  We sense danger. We can smell it in the sulfuric air.

And there's no better place to find signs than THE ALL KNOWING BOX OFFICE. (At least for me. I know Death likes to frequent department stores and fashion shows while sign watching.) 


And guys and ghouls, boy do we have a whopping sign flashing at us today:

Twilight Saga: New Moon looking at a $104.2 million opening weekend.

WEEKEND!

Three. Tiny. Little. Days. 

Not even a HOLIDAY weekend.

How, you ask, might a movie about a lip-biting girl and a sparkly vampire cause the world to scream "AH!" and just throw fistfuls of dollars at Summit Entertainment like the company was a high class stripper played by Christina Aguilera or Kristen Bell?

Is it Robert Pattinson's cocky coif?

Is it Kristen Stewart's sighing and throat clearing?

Is it Taylor Lautner's magic miracle grow abs?

Is it the "Forbidden Bad Boy loves me but doesn't make a move no matter how much I throw my naked body willingly and desperately onto his fangless lap" fantasy? (It only makes us want him more.)


There must be SOMETHING in Stephanie Meyers' Mormon Vegitarian Vampire tale that makes us swoon in unison. 

SOMETHING that's going to drive 13-year-old girls to the theater six or seven times before SATURDAY (and by 13-year-old girls, I mean myself, Death, Famine, Conquest, my sister, my mom, my best friend, the zombie-lady who lives next door, my alien boss, Nkchbu).


I'm going to make a wild accusation about what's behind this whole unsettling shebang (even though the movie contains NO banging of the she or he variety at all whatsoever).  Now bear with me.  It makes sense if you think about it:

Kristen Stewart and Stephanie Meyer sold their souls to the Devil.

I know, I know, I hear you.  "But Miss War.  Shouldn't that only affect THEM? How does it cause the Apocalypse?"

Duh.  Devil.  He likes to end the world even more than WE do.

So why am I not including RobPat or TayLaut in this little apocalyptic pact?

Cause let's face it, they're just eye candy.  We loves us some female gaze, yes we do. 

So, let me be the first to say it (who are we kidding... I'm like the 47th), when the title "New Moon" is suddenly tossed in with the likes of such family friendly, get-butts-in-the-seats titles as, "Spider Man," "Pirates of the Caribbean," "HARRY EFFING POTTER," run for the farthest hills and dig yourself a bloody bomb shelter, because the End is fucking NEAR.



*Don't believe me?  There have been 18,834 updated Tweets with the tag #newmoon since I started this post. 18,938.  20,103.

20,357.

Just a reminder... - Miss War

Psst. 

Hey you.

Yeah, you.

Come here.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but... 

It's here.

That's all.

Check back Monday for an accuracy report.  (My guess is not very... I heard there weren't even Zombies.  Psh.)

Happy Friday the 13th,
Miss War

Bringing About the Apocalypse. You're doing it RIGHT, Messrs. Gyllenhaal and Bruckheimer! - Miss War

Dear Friends,

I know on Fridays I usually preview the exciting (and/or questionable) movin' pictures that will grace the silver screen over the weekend. And this weekend definitely has a full slate of flicks.  Both the good: "Men Who Stare At Goats" and "A Christmas Carol" (just forget the fact that Halloween was barely a week ago), and the others: "The Fourth Kind" and "The Box."

But today I'd like to take a minute to honor a trailer that understands the true meaning of the word "apocalyptic."

And it's not 2012.  

I'm talking about this week's latest buzz-worthy trailer - "Prince of Persia."  (Watch here!)

(* This poster is not a joke.)

The trailer opens with dirty-gold fireworks bursting over Cinderella's Castle set to a dark, brooding score.  This caught my attention. "Pirates 4?  ALREADY? Sweet!"  But no.  All lies.  These explosions aren't from cannon balls.  In fact, I'm still not quite sure what these are supposed to be.

We then fly high above the world of a very dusty and very CGI'd Medieval Persia, and are given an overwrought mythology about a dagger and some time-traveling sand.  Cool. Got it.

But then the trailer lost me.  And it's not because the pervasive narration doesn't explain every. single. plot. beat.  'Cause it does.  No, the trailer lost me here because for the next 2 minutes and 20 seconds I could only see one thing... THAT WIG.

(See it???)

Now, the Apocalypse has not precluded my affinity for the doe-eyed Gyllenhaal in any way shape or form.  I still love him even after he went all Zombie-bot with that chick.  He was adorable in "Bubble Boy". Angsty, mysterious, and HOT in "Donnie Darko."  Apathetic and even HOTTER in "Jarhead."

So when you see the trailer, you'll understand my confusion.  I stopped watching and thought to myself, "What be this creature I see in the moving picture box?  It cannot be the beautiful Jake Gyllenhaal I know and love.  ...Can it?"

No.  No, Mr. Gyllenhaal.  I do not agree.  I will not accept your horribly stitched wig and sprayed-on-looking abs!

WILL NOT ACCEPT!

Sigh... if this movie doesn't cause the Apocalypse, I don't know what will.  (That's a lie.  I totally know.)

Peace, Love, and Movie Trailers
Miss War


PS:  Because I don't want to be a complete sourpuss, check out the NEW "Avatar" trailer.  Looks just as cool as the first, but this time it actually tells us what the movie's about!

Also, the "Salt" teaser hit the interwebs this week.  Angelina Jolie being badass?  You don't say...

Halloween TV Specials to Make You Howl - Miss War

So it's Halloween afternoon.  I'm whipping up some nuclear pumpkin pie, and a meatloaf femur to take to Miss Famine's party tonight.  I'm putting the finishing touches on my costume (inspired by one of the episodes listed below), and making sure my new Zombie-Radar Gun is all ready to go. (This is a must-have for Halloween Safety - it distinguishes a REAL zombie from a COSTUME zombie).  And to keep my spirits up through all of these last minute errands, I've thrown on some of my FAVORITE Halloween TV episodes.

Let me know if there are any more I should throw into the mix, or if I'm missing YOUR favorite Halloween Special!

The Simpsons - "Treehouse of Horror V"
"At the end of the world, only cockroaches, Twinkies, and The Simpsons will survive."  Ok, so I made that up.  But as we're well past The End Of Days, and the Simpsons are on their TWENTIETH Treehouse of Horror, it feels pretty accurate.  We chose Volume V because of the classic "The Shinning" segment.  ("You have the Shinning, boy!" "Don't you mean the Shining?" "Shh! Do you want to get sued?")

South Park - "Hell on Earth"
No one does Halloween quite like Satan.  And no one does Satan quite like South Park.  Satan throws the biggest Halloween party the world/heaven/hell has ever seen.  Especially when he comes up with something that "Diddy didn't do."



Castle - "Vampire Weekend" 
Despite the fact that this episode aired barely a week ago, and I've already forgotten what the actual mystery was, it's already a classic in my book.  Richard Castle (Nathan Fillion) dressing as a "space cowboy," (aka: his very own cult character, Captain Mal Reynolds from "Firefly") is perhaps one of the most perfect moments of television ever filmed - at least for us Whedon-Geeks.  Throw in the following Buffy nods, and sneaky Dr. Horrible riff, and it was an episode to die for.

Scooby Doo and the Ghoul School

Every time I watch Scooby and Shaggy teach a boarding school of monster daughters, I feel like a little Horsegirl again. So many tricks and treats to be found as the girls of Miss Grimwood's Finishing School for Girls train to kick the boys' butts in a volleyball match.  Now that's some Ghoul Power!

How I Met Your Mother - "Slutty Pumpkin"
There's an old TV myth that says the 6th episode of a series is THE most important episode.  By this point the show has fully come into its own and if it's bad, it's never going to recover. But if it's GOOD, well, then this show is something to pay attention to.  It's very telling that the 6th episode of HIMYM is this highly memorable Slutty Pumpkin episode.  It's hard to tell what's better, Barney dressed as a penguin drinking root beer and Kahlua, or Ted dressed as a "hanging chad." In 2005.


Growing Pains - "Happy Halloween Parts 1 & 2" 
WHY you ask, is this Growing Pains episode on the list? When we think of Growing Pains do we think of frights and scares?  No.  But this episode that features the Seaver family each trying to one up each other with a scary story inspired me in my later years.  This is why the girls and I always try to one up each other with acts of destruction.  Very important in my formative years, you see.



Buffy The Vampire Slayer - "Halloween"
In a series full of horror and monster stories, there are three specifically designated Buffy Halloween episodes. We chose this one because of the clean lines, and simply classic Halloween plot.  Kids dress in cursed costumes.  Turn into said costumes. Scooby Gang saves the day.  It's magically delicious!


Quantum Leap - "The Boogieman"

Sam leaps into a horror novelist (supposedly Little Stevie King's mentor) and is given some bad advice from the Devil masquerading as hologram Al. This episode even comes with its very own Macbeth-esque curse - fans refuse to call it by name, instead referring to it as "The Halloween Episode."







It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
"There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin."  No holiday TV special list is complete without a Peanuts Even in our darkest hours here in the Apocalypse, we an always count on Charlie Brown and friends to make us smile.

And with that, I bid you all a happy, spooky, and safe Halloween.
Miss War


PS: If you haven't guessed it yet, I'm TOTALLY going to be a Slutty Pumpkin tonight.