Sookie Stackhouse, the Ultimate Monster Dater - Miss Conquest

If ANYBODY knows how to deal with dating creatures of the night, it's Sookie Stackhouse, the star of Charlaine Harris' Southern Vampire Mystery Series, the basis of the HBO series True Blood. 

Sookie has a slew of monstrous hotties who love her passionately, and it's only getting her in more and more trouble as the series goes along into it's ninth book, "Dead and Gone."

I won't say anything here to spoil things for True Blood watchers, so all I can really tell you about the plot of "Dead and Gone" is that the supernatural world is rolling to a high boil and Sookie is, of course, right in the middle of it. While the series is still technically a "mystery" serial, it's really becoming more of a high stakes supernatural drama, chock full of danger, intrigue, passion, comedy, tragedy and a healthy dose of steamy romance.

Sookie is up to four suiters now, with a list of willing understudies that should impress even the most skilled dater. Don't let the darling Sookie make you feel bad about your own dating life.  We all know it's not that easy to attract a waiting list of hot guys ready to kill and die for you.  Miss Harris explains, in her eighth book, "From Dead to Worse," why Sookie is such catnip for every studly monster in a hundred mile radius.  That doesn't make Sookie's dating life simpler though, with representatives of just about every species that goes bump in the night vying for her attention.

Despite her supernatural dating talents (which you'll have to read the series to learn more about, I'm not gonna give it away) I think we should all look to Miss Stackhouse as a role model.  She's got guts and self respect and she never prejudges a man by his past (even if it's as a blood thirsty monster).  I mean, come on, who can resist this guy:

 Or this one, for that matter:

I might not have had QUITE as much luck with my own foray's into dating the undead, but Sookie gives me hope that being open minded really will get you everywhere.  You might decide that dating the underworld doesn't seem like a good idea (and you're probably right).  But, regardless of whether you agree with me that handsome but deadly sounds like just the kind of guy you want to see on a Saturday night, you won't be able to help but be entertained by Sookie's exploits. 

Now, if you're a fan of the True Blood series, you'll want to start the Southern Vampire Mystery Series from the very beginning.  Frankly, even if you're not a fan of the TV series, you might want to start fresh - things have gotten pretty complicated in Sookie's world.  But, these are must reads for anyone who likes a little murder and mayhem and a lot of supernatural awesomeness (plus hot guys and steamy goodness).

Poon Real Estate - A New Approach to Dating - Miss Conquest

I do apologize in advance for the amount of times I'm about the type the word "poon." If you prefer another word for my favorite part of the female anatomy, by all means, feel free to export this, find, and replace with another word. Might I suggest "hoo-hoo, box, La-La, vag," or for those of you who have a proper name for yours, feel free to add that in. Mine is named "Reginald."

Let's briefly discuss a different approach to dating. I get emails from girlfriends all the time asking "why don't these apocalyptic boys stay with me, want to date me, dump me, deny me, etc. I mean, we ARE the last girls on Earth!"

The answer is: These girls just don't understand the value of their poon real estate.

It's all about being selective in the poon real estate market.

Steps to establishing your poon real estate market value:
1. Am I a beautiful, independent, intelligent woman of remarkable being who survived the apocalypse? (answer: yes)
Than we can safely establish that your poon real estate market value is $1,000,000.
2. Repeat poon real estate market value to yourself 20-30 times per day. This is your mantra.
"My poon is worth $1,000,000. My poon is worth $1,000,000."

Now, for every zombie/vampire/werewolf/soldier of fortune that comes your way looking for a date, you run a credit check on him.

Determine his value in terms of personality, loyalty, devotion, charm, wit, love, looks, and anything else you desire in a perfect man-being.

Does his credit check put him into the $1,000,000 category?

Yes? Proceed with dating.

No? You can ignore those phone calls. He'll get the hint.

Maybe? "Well, he rated a $999,999." NO! He did not score a perfect $1,000,000. He's out.

Believe in the value of yourself and your poon and let this be the way you date. Don't ever take the approach that you are "just lucky to have a date, any date!"

Own the poon ladies. Believe in its increasing value. Realize that YOU determine the going rate of your poon and do NOT settle for anyone who falls short of it's value.

And be aware, ladies of the apocalypse, that the poon real estate bubble will never burst. I don't care if they ARE the last males on Earth. We can still afford to be selective!

Miss Conquest Goes Internet Dating Part One: Zombie Boy

So obviously, here in the modern apocalypse, finding THE ONE is a challenge. It's no use sitting around in your hut, waiting for Mr. Perfect to come along. You have to be proactive, and that means INTERNET DATING. Hey, if I can do it, YOU can do it.

I started out my quest on EHarmony. It took me like, four days to get through the hundreds of questions they ask to form their personality profile because the of the RAMPANT mutant issue in my neighborhood. I guess the toxic sludge on the shore line attracts them, but whatever, I signed up for ocean breezes and sandy walks on the beach when I built my hut. NOT radioactive freaks.

But I digress.

So I finally finished my profile and I totally got TONS of matches right away. I email with some guys and a nice one asks me out. Just like that. WAY better than going to bars, right?

I'm PSYCHED.

Then I get to the Starbucks where we agreed to meet, and there's totally only three girls, an alien and a zombie hanging around. I wait.

And I wait.

And I wait.

Then the ZOMBIE comes up and sits down with me.

"Excuse me, are you Conquest?"

Yes. That's right. My first internet date IS. A. ZOMBIE.

Crap.

I put my happy face on, and I chat. He grunts a lot. He only tries to eat my brains once. He actually makes a kind of funny Zombie, a Rabbi and a Priest joke.

He asked me out again.

A girl's got to have standards, but you know what they say... can't judge a book by it's cover.

What do you think, should I say yes?

I win.

Miss Conquest