Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Miss Conquest: Beheading, the cleanest break up.

Thanks to Emily Post Apocalypse's fabulous advice I decided that the kindest thing to do with my Zombie was to cut off his head. I'm not good with guns (SO much splatter, which does not brighten the hovel at all) so I chose my prettiest machete (it's got an awesome fuchsia handle, I just love it) and invited my dear Zombie friend over for one last cocktail. I explained that I didn't think we should see each other. He said. "Brains."

I chopped off his head.

He's going to make lovely compost for Miss Famine's new kitchen garden!

I knew asking Emily was the way to go, if you have a dilemma you should totally ask her too. Just email us at and we'll pass your question right along to her.

Now I have to find a new date.

I've heard that J Date works like a charm, so I sign up. After all, the Horsewomen don't discriminate.

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Sure enough, I had like seven dates after two days on the site. Talk about action!

I knew it was too easy.

I went out with the first gentleman last night, and everything was WONDERFUL until I excused myself to go powder my nose. I was reapplying my lipstick when a rush of cold wind RIPPED through the ladies room.

I thought it might be just another spot tornado, so i ignored it. Until I looked up and saw a translucent lady with helmet hair and a matching sweater set and tennis skirt standing behind me. Before I could duck she SLAMMED me into the bathroom mirror. I hate ghosts.

I was still digging in my purse for my ectoplasmic mace when she leaned over me and hissed in my face: "STAY AWAY FROM MY LITTLE BOY!!!"

Great, first date and I've already got the Ghost of Mother In Law Future in my face.

A little ecto-mace took care of that problem, but I know if I keep seeing my jdate suitor, she'll be back.

What do you think, is he worth it?

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