Handy Halloween Recipes! - Miss Famine

Try this new and amazing version of meatloaf. Here...let me give you a hand with this one. It's made from meatloaf, ketchup, cheese (for the skin) and onions for the fingernails. Despite the texture of the skin, it is actually delicious!

You can get the full recipe here at a website called Not Martha. No, sir. I do not think Martha would approve, but the Four Horsewomen do!

And once you are finished with your Handy Meatloaf, might I suggest a Bacon Cake chaser?

Enjoy!

Paranormal Activity (a.k.a. "He's Just Not That Into You") - Miss War

**Contains SPOILERS**

The first half of this review tells the entire movie plot line. You've been warned.

We find ourselves in a modern townhouse in the middle of Valencia, California. The sun shines, the birds chirp. We meet a happy young couple: Katie and Micah. As the story unfolds, we learn that Katie believes there is paranormal activity going on in the house and Micah has decided to invest some good money in a high tech video camera to document the occurrences.

The activities do not seem out of the ordinary for hauntings. Katie hears footsteps and creaking sounds at night. She swears she feels something watching her, even breathing on her at times. Micah laughs it all off, only half believing her fears.

As they begin to document the nighttime occurrences, we see video footage of Katie suffering from gruesome nightmares. We see a large, dark shadow pass across the threshold to their bedroom. We see the bedroom door slam shut violently. We see a chandelier swing by itself. Finally, after Micah puts down a layer of baby powder in the hallway, we see footprints (hoofprints.)

Katie finally breaks down and tells Micah that as a child she was haunted by the same demon. She believes the demon haunts her and her alone.

During the course of this haunting, Micah shows very little sympathy. In fits of bravado he shouts macho curses at the unseen demon. He threatens to "kick the demon's ass" and puts up a fight about Katie's desire to call upon a psychic. And when she finally does, he is a total D-bag to the doc. Even against her begging him not to, he brings home a Ouija board, to disastrous consequences. His actions show that he has very little sympathy or concern for Katie's well-being. His concern is in goading the demon into some sort of Supernatural KY wrestling match. If the script had allowed for it, Micah would have made some inappropriate comments about the demon's mama.

Over the course of three weeks we see and hear the haunting escalate. Unseen things are slammed loudly into walls. The covers on their bed are pulled from them by unseen arms. Lights are turned on and off by themselves. On one particularly freaky night, we see Katie climb out of bed only to stand watch over Micah's sleeping body for an hour. She does not recall doing this.

At the climax of the haunting, we see the sheets lift over Katie's sleeping body and we see her violently yanked from the bed and dragged down the hallway. She screams for Micah who runs to pull her from the invisible arms but not before she suffers a horrendous bite mark, outlined with needle-sharp teeth marks.

Micah finally begins to take things seriously and packs the car, prepared to escape despite the psychic's warning that "It won't matter if you leave. It will follow you." He finds Katie in the hall, holding a crucifix and rocking. She tells him that everything will be ok now, and that she doesn't want to leave. But do we detect a different tone in her voice?

That night, Katie rises from the bed and stands watch over Micah again. After an hour, she turns and walks downstairs to the kitchen, where her bloodcurdling screams shake the house, waking Micah. He runs to presumably save her and suddenly, complete silence fills the house.

What happens next is horrifying and needless to say, Micah won't be starring in the sequel.

METAPHOR TIME, Y'ALL!

The movie is actually a delightful metaphor for bad relationships. It's very nearly a dark romantic comedy. Micah (who's name is pronounced ME-cuh) is such a narcissistic a-hole throughout the movie that he actually makes the hauntings worse. We can safely assume that in reality, he is Katie's Demon. His actions make her life harder and harder as the story goes on. And instead of taking any obviously safe options into account (Maybe call ANOTHER demonologist if the first is unavailable? Maybe don't bring the effing Ouija board into the house? Maybe be nice to the psychic who wants to help you?) he becomes obsessed with using the camera to document the hauntings, to the point that one might suspect he was goading the demon in order to capture more crazy shit on film.

It is vividly clear that Katie is a better person than Micah and that as a couple, she carries the weight of good decision making.

The fact that she becomes possessed in the end, kills him and escapes into the night, never to be seen again simply tells us that eventually she dumped his dumb ass and moved out. In doing so, she became a new person, never to be seen as her old self again.

This was the demonic version of "He's Just Not That Into You." And while I haven't slept in a week since seeing it (hell yeah it was scary!) I loved it and will use this as a training video for girls everywhere who suffer from bad relationship-itis.

Shoes To Die Violently For - Miss Death

Bonjour Darlings. I'm just back from Spain where I enjoyed a fabulous holiday with a lovely young man (blush.) While in Spain, I unfortunately encountered enough bad fashion to last me an apocalypse. The Spanish are known for their food, wine, frivolity, charm...not their fashion. For further proof, I encourage you to review Exhibit A, their most popular clothing shop. Desigual.

When has it EVER been appropriate to pair denim with pink leopard print, purple zebra stripes and pleather? Not since the New Jersey Apocalypse of 1982.

Were I not a skeleton incapable of eating, I would lose my lunch. Moving on.

Once home from abroad, I quickly took in an Alexander McQueen show to get the bad taste of the euro-fash out of my mouth. What I saw was pure Hot Apoc.

Shoes for 2010 are clearly made for the fashionista on the run (screaming), who happens to also have an impeccable sense of balance. To ride this ride, one must be able to wear ten inch or higher heels.


Leather, scrap metal, whittled bone and scales appear to be the hot shoe trend this season. Thankfully, in this post-apoc wonderland of ours, that's pretty much all we have to work with.

The bad news? This may inhibit running slightly. The good news? Now that you can't run, you can stay and fight those zombies off with your shoes that double as weapons. I mean, look at that heel!

All the best lovies. Stay sexy!

Smart AND Fashionable - The Gas Mask Bra - Miss Death

Fashion and practicality don't often go hand in hand, particularly here in the apocalypse.  It's really tough to accessorize a bio-hazard suit in a way that it at all chic or fashionable, and it takes a true fashion ninja to escape a zombie attack in four inch heels.

I'm happy to report, however, that there is FINALLY a truly chic and totally apocalyptically practical fashion statement that even the most normal, every day fashionista can pull off.

The Gas Mask Bra.

It's frilly.  It's pink.  It's sexy.  And it will keep you AND a friend breathing the next time the aliens drop a nerve gas bomb or we have another wave of the bubonic plague like last Flag Day.  Is it any wonder that the creator of this amazingly chic devise, Dr. Elena Bodner, has been rewarded with the most important award of the year?

That's right...

The Ig Nobel Prize.   The Ig Nobles are all about those who have approached our apocalypse with a practical eye and a sense of humor.  These awards are all about what's useful NOW, not what we could think about later.  Other winners include scientists who have discovered how to turn tequila into diamonds and tested the severity of various levels of fullness on beer bottle injuries (turns out, the most effective bottle to hit that invading alien with is three quarters full).

While neither of these discoveries are as useful as Bodner's invention - or as illuminating that of as last years winner Kees Moeliker, who discovered a propensity for gay necrophilia in ducks that eventually led to the cure for zombism - they are worthy of notice in our apocalypse.

So, Ig Nobel Prize winners of 2009, we the Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse salute you!

Bomb the Moon? No, Can't Be - Miss Conquest

WE BOMBED THE MOON!

Wait... that can't be right.  Let me try again. 

Nope, there's video proof and everything...

WE BOMBED THE MOON!

Hm.  Guess it's true.

Ladies and Gents.  Here we were, all sitting pretty in this Apocalypse of ours, waiting to hear about which country might bomb which country next.  Might it be China bombing America?  Russia bombing France?  Brazil bombing Canada?  It was really anyone's guess.

Well, we missed something.  We took our focus off the sky for one tiny little second and...

We went and BOMBED THE MOON.

Now, before we get all up in arms Austin Powers style, the powers that be (or what's left of them) assure us that this wasn't an accident NOR an act of war against any cute and cuddly Moonlians (Love those fuzzy little guys!  They make Gizmo look homely.).  It also wasn't even really a "bomb," but a mere crashing of  satellite into the Moon's surface.

Come on people!  If you're going to bomb something, do it with FEELING!

Apparently NASA's little stunt was a last ditch effort to see if the Moon held some refreshing H2O for this parched wasteland we call home. 

You know what we horsewomen say to that???

New WATERFRONT RESORT!!

That's right.  Forget Bali and Tahiti.  The new IT oasis destination will be none other than our Cheesy Friend in the Sky.  I'm going to book our trip ASAP before this little gem is overrun with tourists!

The End of the World Is No Excuse - Miss War

I am, obviously, totally aware that the apocalypse is nigh.  It's my JOB.  I get it.  But really, Hollywood, who told you that just because it's the end of the world you're allowed to get sloppy and stop making even half decent movies?  It sure wasn't a Horsewomen.

And yet, as far as the last month or so has to offer, pretty much everyone in Hollywood got the memo - plot? character? not. necessary.

Culprits?

Think...

 Or...

 

Or even...

The latest offender?  Bruce Willis' latest - SURROGATES.  While this particular take on the popular human beings living through robots genre (not sure where everyone got this idea, virtual reality went out in the 90's everybody knows that) isn't nearly as attrocious as some (cough... GAMER), it's no gem. 

And WHY is it not a gem?  Where has the luster and potential that Mr. Willis (one of our favorites) brings to the table gone?  It's gone into that blackhole that SHOULD be plotting and character development.

Mr.'s Brancato and Ferris owe this Horsewoman a great Bruce Willis action flick.  And Hollywood?  Get your act together.  We're begging here.  When it takes the one two punch of Stephen Soderbergh and Matt Damon to make even a DECENT movie, this apocalypse is in a sorry state indeed.

2012 Extended Preview Coming to a TV Near You... Whether you want it to or not. - Miss War

It's HEEEEERRRREEEEEEE....

Tonight, Sony and Comcast will bring you the first extended look at the Four Horsewomen's proudest moments.  At 10:45pm on EVERY major network and cable channel the world will relive our Awesome Apocalypse! We're so excited!  I'm having the girls over for champagne to celebrate!  Reveling in the highlights of all of our best, most inventive, most disastrous work in under two minutes will be --

Wait.  What's that?  What are you saying?  It's NOT our Awesome Apocalypse? The one we worked so hard to bring to all of you beautiful people?  Not OUR fire and brimstone?  Not OUR raining sulfur?  Not even OUR river of blood???? But it was so preeeeeeettttyyyy.

You mean this isn't the REAL 2012 that will debut on TV screens simultaneously across the nation like some sort of Orson Welles ruse?

It's just Roland Emmerich's INTERPRETATION of our greatest work??

Starring John Cusack?? (PLEASE say he shows up to the Apocalypse holding a boom box over his head.  Cause that's kinda like my dream come true.)

Sheesh.  Forgotten again.  Salma Hayek was right.  The Bible totally WAS written by men.