Learning to Love Life After LOST - Miss War

We're approaching "The End."  And I'm preparing to mourn.  As of this Sunday (11:31pm PST), I will be a regular Queen Victoria.

 They say she was mourning her Prince. I say she was mourning TWIN PEAKS.

But to be honest, I'm already starting to spiral.  I can already feel the harrowing, gaping hole that will be left when...

What? I am NOT over-dramatic! How DARE you!?

Sigh.

Ok. You're right.  I took a sacred vow to help you all survive the Apocalypse.  And it's game time, people.  Because if the end of LOST isn't the end of the World, I don't know what is.  So the last thing I should be doing right now is sobbing silently while curled up in a corner.

I know, I know.  I can hear you all loud and clear:  "Suck it up, War!"  "It's just a flipping TV show!"  "Do your JOB!"

Well stop shouting already!!! I get it. You need your "guidance."  Your "survival tips."  Fine.

Babies.

So here it is.  A list of things to help you survive this horrible, traumatic, painful void you're about to experience.  My advice for defeating LOST Withdrawal,  aka:

Miss War's Helping Hands: Learning to Love Life After LOST.  

(Coming soon to a bookseller near you.)

 "Stage One: preparation. For this you will need: one room which you will not leave; one mattress; tomato soup, ten tins of; mushroom soup, eight tins of, for consumption cold; ice cream, vanilla, one large tub of; Magnesia, Milk of, one bottle; paracetamol; mouth wash; vitamins; mineral water; Lucozade; pornography --"  Wait.  Well, the pornography is optional.

1.) MAD MEN
Matthew Weiner's Emmy-hogging love/hate song to the 60's may not have the maddening island conundrums of LOST, but Don Draper is hands down our new favorite Man of Mystery.  Add in a cast of ridiculously flawed characters, vague and haunting pasts, and a decade that's more explosive than Jughead, and you've got one hell of a water cooler show.  Just fix yourself an Old Fashioned, put on your pillbox hat, and catch up on the first three seasons while patiently (read: anxiously) awaiting Season Four - set to premier on Sunday, July 25 on AMC.

2 oz Burbon
2 dashes of bitters
1 splash of water
1 tsp of superfine sugar (superfine!)
1 maraschino cherry 
1 orange wedge





2.) Reconnect With Your Non-LOST-Lovin' Friends.
You remember them, right?  You may have last talked to them sometime around the summer of 2004, right before you started spouting theories about purgatory and the Hanso Corp.  Well, they miss you.  Take them out to dinner.  Buy them a beer.  Apologize for being insane for the last six years, and then try engaging in conversations about less controversial topics.  Like politics.  And religion.


3.) READ
LOST did not, and does not, exist in a vacuum.  The producers love to "book-bomb" episodes, especially via the nick-name savvy Sawyer, and they've openly discussed their literary influences.  (Steven King's canon, specifically "The Stand" and "The Dark Tower" series are confirmed influences.)  There are even novels that the producers haven't mentioned, but have been sighted and dissected by a bunch of crazy LOST bloggers and critics (ahem, Doc Jensen).

It's no secret. Unlike Most TV shows, Lost desperately wants us to expand our minds.  And there's something here for everyone.  Whether you're looking to further your understanding of physics and the space/time continuum, open your soul to new philosophies, or simply reacquaint yourself with the classics, Lost has a book for you!

Here are just a few suggestions to kick off your summer reading list:

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass - by Lewis Carroll
Both have inspired more episode titles than any other book ("Through the Looking Glass," "White Rabbit"). In "The Lighthouse," Jack's Sideways Son, David, is reading the The Annotated Alice. Also, both books contain themes that are, ahem, mirrored ad nauseam in LOST.

The Brief History of Time - by Steven Hawking
Steven Hawking's attempt to explain Space, Time, and Physics to us non-geniuses. Seen on Ben's bookshelf, and it's a pretty safe bet that Hawking is the namesake of one Ms. Eloise Hawking, Governess of Time and Space.

Haroun and the Sea of Stories - by Salman Rushdie
Variable Desmond is reading this before he mysteriously disappears form Sideways Flight 815. Also, confirmed but reliable crazy man, Doc Jensen, is CONVINCED this book serves as a bedrock for Season 6.

BE HERE NOW - by Ram Dass (aka: Richard Alpert)
Let me try that again. By RICHARD ALPERT.  A book on spirituality and meditation written by Ricardos' namesake.  There are 108 pages in it. One might be so inclined to flip to pages 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.  Oh, and LOOK AT THE COVER.

Of Mice and Men -by John Steinbeck
Oh Sawyer, you quippy, pessimistic, lovable Redneck.  Of COURSE Steinbeck is your favorite author.  Every time you get even remotely close to the American Dream, someone up and yanks it out from under you. It's useless. Will anyone ever let you play house?  For a better and more intimate understanding of your favorite conman, Steinbeck's classic is a must-read.

For a more comprehensive list of Lost Literature, hop on over to Lostpedia.


4.)  TRAVEL
Hey, everybody! Guess what!  There's a whole wide world out there, and it exists OUTSIDE of your TV screen!

So you've spent six years immersed in a fictional world.  Now what?  Where do you start?

Let LOST be your guide!  Start off with a relaxing vacation in Oahu, Hawaii.  You can sunbath on the crash site beach, hike through the Ka'a'awa Valley, then go swimming in the Waimea Falls.

When you've had enough fun in the sun, take a conscience-bending tour of the British Isles and follow in Desmond's time-slipping footsteps.  Start in Desmond's home country of Scotland.  Give Edinburgh and the Highlands a whirl, but come prepared for some "end of the world type weather."  Then take the rail down for a few days in London, home of Widmore Industries.  London is full of life and magic - pay careful attention to street performers. You never know when you're going to stumble across a has-been rock star doing a cover of Oasis' "Wonderwall."  Finally, rush over to Oxford for some highbrow discussions about space/time.  And rats.

If you're feeling REALLY brave, jet off to the Outback itself. Sydney is only the beginning of your Australian adventure.  Gear up for a traditional Walkabout. Then hit the beach for some serious surfing (watch out for Dharma sharks), and finally take a tour of some traditional Australian farms.  Whatever you do, do not return to Los Angeles via any flight with a number that contains 8, 1, or 5.  We'd say Flight 397 is probably your best bet.

 "Guys, where are we?"  "Oahu, you moron."

So here we go!  Life after LOST!  I'm ready for it.  I really am.  And I hope you are now too.  If you have more ideas for how to deal with the void, share your thoughts below!


Namaste,
Miss War

Favorite LOST Moments!! (Febuary2ndissocloseIcantasteit) - Miss War

******SPOILERS******

(If you haven’t watched the previous seasons, that is.  I’ve got nuthin for Season 6.  Even our powers aren't that strong. Sorry.)

The Beginning of the End is near. VERY near.  Like two-fucking-days near. 

We Horsewomen have never hidden our love for the amazingrevolutionarybestshowofalltime: LOST.  It's insanely apocalyptic --  Time travel, epic battles of good and evil, giant statues, fucking smoke monsters, purple skies, moving islands, and hot doctors, con-men, torturers, and rock stars. Still don't believe that it's got the apoco-chops to rate high on our obsession-meter? Last year, Juliet (Elizabeth Mitchell) detonated a HYDROGEN bomb. With her BARE hands. 

So how do these final days of LOST signal the end of the [our] world?  What do you think we’ve been DOING with ourselves these last 5 years???? And what are we going to DO when it’s all over??? Sure, MAD MEN gives us fodder for discussion with their fancy character flaws and deep and sociological ponderings.  But where are the crazy sci-fi theories!!!!?  They’re over there at the newest entry in the Fate vs. Destiny war, Flash Forward, but it’s still a young show and we have yet to see if the characters can capture our hearts the way the Losties have.   So unless God Whedon manages to get something NEW on the air, and FAST, we’re pretty certain the world as we know it will probably end when Jack opens his eyes for the very last time this May.

To celebrate this epic event, I want to relive some of my FAVORITE MOMENTS OF LOST:

(I tried to do just 10… I really REALLY tried…)

11. Hurley explains the island to his mother.  (5.2 “The Lie”)

Wracked with immeasurable guilt over leaving and lying, Hurley finally breaks down and confesses the truth.  In doing so, he took on the role of a crazed LOST fan trying to explain to their non-fan friends what this show is about.  It was an inside joke that had us all laughing and crying and nodding our heads in solidarity with Hurley. 

 

I feel your pain, dude.

10. Charlie shares his imaginary peanut butter with Claire.  (1.8 “Confidence Man”)

Because despite quantum physics and complicated power wars, this show is about the characters and their relationships.  And nowhere is that more apparent than in this adorable and tragic psudofamily and their quest for normalcy via…peanut butter.

 

He's a rock star AND invents sweet treats. Sexy!

 9.  Locke teaches Walt Backgammon. (1.2 “Pilot”)

Because they had the balls to give away the store in the first two hours of the series. God damn they’re good.

 

"Two players. Two sides. One is light, one is dark."

8. Sawyer lies about meds to get a kiss from Kate. (1.8 “Confidence Man”)

God I love this episode.  And I love me some Sawyer/Kate/Jack love triangle.  There are so many great moments between these three – “Caught in a net,” “Sex in a Cage,” Jack and Kate get engaged, Sawyer and Juliet play house… but the fact that Sawyer endured being "torture by a damn spinal surgeon and a genuine Iraqi solder" makes this the hottest kiss of all. 

 Oh, Sawyer. Who wouldn't want to be tied to a tree in a Jungle of Mystery with you?

7.  “We’re gonna have to take the boy.”  (1.24 “Exodus, Part 2”)

For those of us who watched from the beginning, this moment was an evil twisting knife to the gut right before THREE WHOLE MONTHS of LOST radio silence.  (Remember when the hiatuses were only three months?) A jaw-dropping moment that made us realize that LOST would mess with us for whole seasons at a time.  And we only loved it more for that.

Tricksy little Lost writers, making us think "the boy" was Aaron. * slaps forehead. Repeatedly. *

6.  Keamy kills Alex. (4.9 “The Shape of Things to Come”)

This is when LOST went from jaw-dropping to gut-dropping. “They’re not going to do go there.  Nah, that’s not going to hap…. Wait. He’s going to do it. Oh my god he’s actually going to shot –“ BANG! 

5. The reveal of Jacob’s Cabin (and the “Ghost in the Chair”). (3.20 “The Man Behind The Curtain”)

The moment a show that was twisty, mysterious, with a sci-fi edge finally took the plunge into the supernatural.  And we followed it like freaking Alice through the rabbit hole.

 Pay no attention to the Man behind the Curtain. Or actually pay lots of attention. In fact, analyze the shit out of that screencap.

 

4. Holy Shit!  Locke was in a wheelchair! (1.4 “Walkabout")

The first true “WTF!?” moment of the series.  We knew things were a little funky before this episode (Smoky, The Numbers), but this moment officially locked (pun intended) this series in as the most daring, unique show on television. 

Locke gets super pissed off when you try to tell him what he can't do.  You know, like walk...or come back from the dead...

3. Desmond and Penny’s Christmas Eve Phone Call. (4.5 “The Constant”)

If you weren’t crying like a little bitch during this quick-cut emotional scene, you have no soul.  No. For real. You may want to have that checked out.  Desmond and Penny’s love affair is the tender heart of LOST, and what could possibly be more romantic than a phone call that unites these lovers through space AND time?  And on Christmas! 

Like a baby...weeping...sobbing...jingle bells...

2.  Ben kills Locke.  (5.7 “The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham”)

Quite possibly the most brilliantly acted scene in LOST (dare I say on television?). Locke's utter desperation.  Ben’s ultimate manipulation.  Chills.

Ben finally figures out something that Locke can't do.  Breathe.

1. “Not Penny’s Boat.”  (3.22 “Through the Looking Glass”)

I’m sorry… I can’t even discuss this one… the computer is shorting out... from my tears.

Hero.

 So what are your favorite moments? Share them below and we can discuss ad nauseam and annoy the rest of the world. 

FALL TV PREVIEW!! Ringing in the Apocalypse: You're doin' it RIGHT, Networks! - Miss War

I know I owe you a review of Shane Acker’s neon-tastic animation “9,” and I promise that you’ll have it in your hot little hands soon enough.

But something strange happened last night.  Something…exciting.  Something I can't ignore... 

I came back to the hovel, clicked on the TV, and saw that listed on my once empty DVR were…

Shows.

Glorious, brand new, non-repeated SHOWS.


FALL TV PREMIERE WEEK IS HERE! 

Tricky little TV Premiere Week.  It snuck up on me like an R.O.U.S. in a Fireswamp.  Or an Asteroid on Earth.  Or a Vampire on a paper cut.

The 2009-2010 season (The First Season in the Year of Our Armageddon) isn’t just any old TV season.  And these new shows certainly aren't REGULAR shows.  No, THIS year it's going to be so much more INTERESTING.  This season is SPECIAL.  In fact…it’s down right CATASTROPHIC.
 

I like to think that a mandate went out across this ashen, barren, fiery Hollywoodland, and that memo demanded that all of this year's NEW shows will feature our favorite kinds of monsters and brand new end-of-the-world-type-situations!

This television season has a THEME.  And that theme is...

THE APOCALYPSE.

So sit back and put the remote down as I guide you through all of the Apocalyptic happenings coming to a TV/Hulu/Website near you – WHAT to watch, WHEN to watch it, and WHY you should rearrange your social life so that you don't miss one juicy minute of these:



Show: EASTWICK
When: Wednesdays at 10pm (ABC, starts 9/23)
Why it’s Apocalyptic: Once upon a time, the Devil (dressed as Jack Nicholson -- that didn't fool ANYONE) arrived in the town of Eastwick and made himself some witch-minions.  Now, in 2009, he’s doing it again.  Only this time dressed as Paul Gross.  Tune in each week to see how these Desperate Witches are in any way different than Desperate Housewives. (We're still not sure either. Toads and babies blood instead of garden boys and chardonnay? I'm in!)

Show: THE BEAUTIFUL LIFE

When: Wednesdays at 9pm (CW, starts 9/16)

Why it's Apocalyptic: Mischa Barton returns to television in this " Gossip Girl set in the Modeling World".  If you thought Serena and Co. ushered in the beginning of the End of Humanity, TBL should give us our final deathblow.  And everyone knows there's no creature quite as terrifying as a supermodel. 

Show: VAMPIRE DIARIES

When: Thursdays at 8pm (CW, starts 9/10 -- That's tonight!) 

Why it's Apocalyptic:  Can't get enough of those crazy Twilight kids?  True Blood have too many orgies for your taste? (Not possible!) Miss some good old fashion Dawson-Joey-Pacey angsty teen love triangles, but were always way more into Angel-Buffy-Spike?  Boy, does the CW have just the thing for YOU.  With Vampire Diaries (which we will NOT call VD -- they didn't really think that one through, did they?), the CW gives us something totally FRESH and NEW.  Vampires?!  Teen drama?!  Shock!  Gasp!  I've never seen that before!  That's completely innovative!  Gold Star for YOU in creativity, CW!
 

But in all seriousness, VD (ha! I lied) gives us a not-so-fresh-off-The Island Ian Somerhalder blissfully disrupting the lives and un-lives of newcomers Nina Dobrev and Paul Wesley. (Ok, they may not be newcomers but I'VE never heard of them.)  AND...wait for it...He's a vampire!

Vampires...imagine that.  So crazy, it MIGHT just work.

Show: FLASHFORWARD

When: Thursdays at 8pm (ABC, starts 9/24)

Why it's Apocalyptic: Other than making my DVR explode (SO much on Thursday at 8 - I can't keep up)?  This is possibly the most apocalyptic show of them all.  Other than a killer cast (Joseph Fiennes, John Cho, Jack Davenport, and sexy LOST alums Sonya Walger and Dominic Monaghan), the premise of this show just kicks some serious ass:  All at once, the ENTIRE population of the Earth loses consciousness.  Those that survive the catastrophic event realize that during this "black out," they all saw different flashes of the exact same moment 10 months in the future! They don't know WHY this happened (ahem, Apocalypse).   Or what's going to happen in 10 months (End of Days!).  Or what it all even means (hint: party party PARTY!).  But I sure can't wait to find out (did I already say "Apocalypse?"). 

*Why it's NOT Apocalyptic: FF may be this season's most apocalyptic show in theme, but it also may be the world's best chance of survival (boooo!).  ABC is hoping that FlashForward will become the next LOST.  And since we all know that the premiere of the sixth and FINAL season of THE. BEST. SHOW. EVER is one of the main signs of the Apocalypse, if FF is even half as life-altering as LOST, any future apocalypses might potentially be...sidestepped.  For the moment, at least.

Show:V
When: Monday at 8pm (ABC, starts 11/3)
Why it's Apocalyptic:  Aliens. Invade. Earth.   ...This might as well be a documentary on the History Channel!!!!  Oh. AND Elizabeth Mitchell is the star.  You remember her right?  She won our hearts last year while playing house with Sawyer on LOST, and then she blew up The Island (or at least the time continuum) with a hydrogen bomb.  Talk about your Honorary Horsewoman.  Maybe you didn't hear me.  She detonated a HYDROGEN BOMB with her BARE HANDS.  I'm not going to lie... She makes me kind of worry about my job security.



Well, there you have it.  The Apocalyptic Line Up of 2009-2010.  Nothin' says "entertainment" like watching the world burn...


Happy Viewing!
Miss War