Let's Just Ignore That Hiatus - Miss War

When did we last post a blog...let's see here. Jesus Christmas! June 11?? Time flies when it doesn't exist.

Important Updates from Our Hiatus: Same shit, different day. Frankly, there just wasn't much to report. BP killed off the Gulf (which saved us loads of time.) Justin Cronin came out with the Vampire Bible known as "The Passage," and we got tan this summer. Hallefreakinlujah.

The office doors are open and we are hard at work blogging again (can you hear us? Blog bloggity blog blog.) We also just hired a new freelance writer to help us out because the dude levels around this office were running dangerously low.

Meet Martin. He is our new freelance blogger and he is a boy. That pretty much summed up everything that we knew about him until about a week ago. Then things got interesting.

Martin is a bit green. He's wet behind the ears. He's willing, eager and stupid. How he convinced us to let him write for us, I will never know. All I know is that Miss Death has been throwing her clavicle up in his face all week like a cheap zombie trick. Thankfully, the kid can string two sentences together in some semblance of a blog post, so we'll keep him around for now. But I digress.

There's one hell of a zombie virus running amok. Just like flu season, it comes and goes, but this outbreak has been bad. Nearly everyone we're friends with has come down with it. So it goes without saying that our easily excited and not-very-smart freelancer, Martin, got caught with his proverbial pants down one night while jogging through the neighborhood and long story short, the kid's a damn zombie now.

He's doing well considering. Once the projectile bloody vomiting subsided and his orifices stopped leaking and he took a shower, he's fairly back to normal, apart from the whole "becoming a zombie" thing. He's actually getting out more. We suspect he had a date last week with the zombie secretary from the office next door.

But since this whole zombie thing is still new to Martin, the real problems haven't started yet. See, zombie-ism comes with a whole new set of problems if you will. There's the constant oozing, the agonizing pain as your cells die, and the leprosy. Martin will, within a few weeks, literally go to pieces right before our very eyes. Moisturize all you like, Martin. Your skin is still going to fall off.

We did what we thought was best and took a bunch of bets at Martin's expense. We've got a really solid pool going right now on which body part will fall off first. I have $25 on his fingers going first. Miss Death put $40 on his legs. And Miss Famine is just a filthy dirtball.

If he hopes to get anywhere with this secretary, he's going to have to do it fast.

We'll keep you updated on Martin and his zombie shortcomings, and we also solemnly vow to keep blogging! No more hiatus.No more messing around. We are serious, damnit! Blog bloggity blog blog!

Until next time, here's hoping Miss Famine is wrong - for Martin's sake.

The Horsewomen are World Cup bound! Thanks, BP! - Miss Famine

I woke up very early today.  And I am not a morning person.  But today there was a spring in my step as I hopped out of bed, threw on my team's colors, and trotted down to our local pub to watch Mexico take on hosts South Africa in the kick off game of the 2010 FIFA World Cup!   It ended in a tie, but what a game! Mexico scored in the first two minutes!  I hadn't even had a chance to order my breakfast (bangers and mash anyone?) and people were already up and doing victory dances.  God I love soccer.  And I think God loves soccer too.

In general, I'm about as big of a sports fan as I am a morning fan.  Apparently the NBA finals are going on? Someone mentioned something about last night's Lakers/Celtics game.  And all I could think was, Hold a tic.  I thought Ireland didn't make the tournament this year... 

But then my bloody mary arrived and my attention reverted to the sporting event at hand (and the spicy beverage in MY hand).

The girls and I love the World Cup.  We have a countdown to it every four years.  And thank goodness the time difference this year is such that we're not going to repeat the Sleepless Summer of '02.

There's something special about soccer.  Maybe it's the way it unites the world.  Like the Olympics, Round Two.  Maybe it's the obsession passion that the fans have for their teams that leads to monster riots celebrations the world over.  Maybe it's the fact that it's a great excuse to drink during the work day.

 We could learn a thing or two from the Europeans.  Like, NBA finals should be played at 11am. On a Tuesday.

I spent a lot of time pondering why soccer is so awesome this morning.  And finally sometime around my third bloody mary, Miss Conquest reached over and smacked me upside the head. "Stop nattering to yourself, Famine. People are looking at you funny, and it's not because of your scythe.  The players are why we watch soccer. They're hot."

I'm not quite as shallow as Miss Conquest.  I like the intense competition.  The sportsmanship.  The fact that soccer most likely evolved from a sport where players kicked a human head around a field. (All who think they should bring back that tradition, say Ay!  I'm writing a letter to FIFA.)

But she has a point.  Example:  Miss War's favorite team?  France.  Why? Yoann Gourcuff.

 Bordeaux is now officially War's favorite wine AND team.  

 

We all know Miss Conquest is a pure blooded American Girl, so she has no trouble at all cheering for the USofA and its captain, Carlos Bocanegra.

The REAL Captain America

And Miss Death's favorite player?

Surprise. Surprise. 

According to her, the fact that Becks is sidelined with an injury just means he gets to dress better than everybody else. 


We're now in the midst of the Uruguay/France game, which is off to a much slower start than --

WHAT?!  Miss Death just ran into the pub with the most amazing news: 

"BP can't get more tankers to even BEGIN dealing with the oil spill until JULY now!  They've got the Apocalypse COVERED.  Let's take a vacation!!!"

And we're off!!

See ya later, readers!  The girls and I are headed to South Africa!!!

And thanks Oil Industry for making our jobs easy and sponsoring this here Apocalypse!

THE APOCALYPSE

Brought to you by your friends at BP

Learning to Love Life After LOST - Miss War

We're approaching "The End."  And I'm preparing to mourn.  As of this Sunday (11:31pm PST), I will be a regular Queen Victoria.

 They say she was mourning her Prince. I say she was mourning TWIN PEAKS.

But to be honest, I'm already starting to spiral.  I can already feel the harrowing, gaping hole that will be left when...

What? I am NOT over-dramatic! How DARE you!?

Sigh.

Ok. You're right.  I took a sacred vow to help you all survive the Apocalypse.  And it's game time, people.  Because if the end of LOST isn't the end of the World, I don't know what is.  So the last thing I should be doing right now is sobbing silently while curled up in a corner.

I know, I know.  I can hear you all loud and clear:  "Suck it up, War!"  "It's just a flipping TV show!"  "Do your JOB!"

Well stop shouting already!!! I get it. You need your "guidance."  Your "survival tips."  Fine.

Babies.

So here it is.  A list of things to help you survive this horrible, traumatic, painful void you're about to experience.  My advice for defeating LOST Withdrawal,  aka:

Miss War's Helping Hands: Learning to Love Life After LOST.  

(Coming soon to a bookseller near you.)

 "Stage One: preparation. For this you will need: one room which you will not leave; one mattress; tomato soup, ten tins of; mushroom soup, eight tins of, for consumption cold; ice cream, vanilla, one large tub of; Magnesia, Milk of, one bottle; paracetamol; mouth wash; vitamins; mineral water; Lucozade; pornography --"  Wait.  Well, the pornography is optional.

1.) MAD MEN
Matthew Weiner's Emmy-hogging love/hate song to the 60's may not have the maddening island conundrums of LOST, but Don Draper is hands down our new favorite Man of Mystery.  Add in a cast of ridiculously flawed characters, vague and haunting pasts, and a decade that's more explosive than Jughead, and you've got one hell of a water cooler show.  Just fix yourself an Old Fashioned, put on your pillbox hat, and catch up on the first three seasons while patiently (read: anxiously) awaiting Season Four - set to premier on Sunday, July 25 on AMC.

2 oz Burbon
2 dashes of bitters
1 splash of water
1 tsp of superfine sugar (superfine!)
1 maraschino cherry 
1 orange wedge





2.) Reconnect With Your Non-LOST-Lovin' Friends.
You remember them, right?  You may have last talked to them sometime around the summer of 2004, right before you started spouting theories about purgatory and the Hanso Corp.  Well, they miss you.  Take them out to dinner.  Buy them a beer.  Apologize for being insane for the last six years, and then try engaging in conversations about less controversial topics.  Like politics.  And religion.


3.) READ
LOST did not, and does not, exist in a vacuum.  The producers love to "book-bomb" episodes, especially via the nick-name savvy Sawyer, and they've openly discussed their literary influences.  (Steven King's canon, specifically "The Stand" and "The Dark Tower" series are confirmed influences.)  There are even novels that the producers haven't mentioned, but have been sighted and dissected by a bunch of crazy LOST bloggers and critics (ahem, Doc Jensen).

It's no secret. Unlike Most TV shows, Lost desperately wants us to expand our minds.  And there's something here for everyone.  Whether you're looking to further your understanding of physics and the space/time continuum, open your soul to new philosophies, or simply reacquaint yourself with the classics, Lost has a book for you!

Here are just a few suggestions to kick off your summer reading list:

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass - by Lewis Carroll
Both have inspired more episode titles than any other book ("Through the Looking Glass," "White Rabbit"). In "The Lighthouse," Jack's Sideways Son, David, is reading the The Annotated Alice. Also, both books contain themes that are, ahem, mirrored ad nauseam in LOST.

The Brief History of Time - by Steven Hawking
Steven Hawking's attempt to explain Space, Time, and Physics to us non-geniuses. Seen on Ben's bookshelf, and it's a pretty safe bet that Hawking is the namesake of one Ms. Eloise Hawking, Governess of Time and Space.

Haroun and the Sea of Stories - by Salman Rushdie
Variable Desmond is reading this before he mysteriously disappears form Sideways Flight 815. Also, confirmed but reliable crazy man, Doc Jensen, is CONVINCED this book serves as a bedrock for Season 6.

BE HERE NOW - by Ram Dass (aka: Richard Alpert)
Let me try that again. By RICHARD ALPERT.  A book on spirituality and meditation written by Ricardos' namesake.  There are 108 pages in it. One might be so inclined to flip to pages 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.  Oh, and LOOK AT THE COVER.

Of Mice and Men -by John Steinbeck
Oh Sawyer, you quippy, pessimistic, lovable Redneck.  Of COURSE Steinbeck is your favorite author.  Every time you get even remotely close to the American Dream, someone up and yanks it out from under you. It's useless. Will anyone ever let you play house?  For a better and more intimate understanding of your favorite conman, Steinbeck's classic is a must-read.

For a more comprehensive list of Lost Literature, hop on over to Lostpedia.


4.)  TRAVEL
Hey, everybody! Guess what!  There's a whole wide world out there, and it exists OUTSIDE of your TV screen!

So you've spent six years immersed in a fictional world.  Now what?  Where do you start?

Let LOST be your guide!  Start off with a relaxing vacation in Oahu, Hawaii.  You can sunbath on the crash site beach, hike through the Ka'a'awa Valley, then go swimming in the Waimea Falls.

When you've had enough fun in the sun, take a conscience-bending tour of the British Isles and follow in Desmond's time-slipping footsteps.  Start in Desmond's home country of Scotland.  Give Edinburgh and the Highlands a whirl, but come prepared for some "end of the world type weather."  Then take the rail down for a few days in London, home of Widmore Industries.  London is full of life and magic - pay careful attention to street performers. You never know when you're going to stumble across a has-been rock star doing a cover of Oasis' "Wonderwall."  Finally, rush over to Oxford for some highbrow discussions about space/time.  And rats.

If you're feeling REALLY brave, jet off to the Outback itself. Sydney is only the beginning of your Australian adventure.  Gear up for a traditional Walkabout. Then hit the beach for some serious surfing (watch out for Dharma sharks), and finally take a tour of some traditional Australian farms.  Whatever you do, do not return to Los Angeles via any flight with a number that contains 8, 1, or 5.  We'd say Flight 397 is probably your best bet.

 "Guys, where are we?"  "Oahu, you moron."

So here we go!  Life after LOST!  I'm ready for it.  I really am.  And I hope you are now too.  If you have more ideas for how to deal with the void, share your thoughts below!


Namaste,
Miss War

Happy Zombie Easter, ya'll!

Even after the Apoc, Easter is still considered a big deal! The undead unfreeze from winter hibernation and began to roam the wasteland that is Earth once more. AND I get to wear flip flops. WOOT!

We don't hide eggs anymore though (no chickens,) we hide chocolate covered body parts. The zombies really dig it.

Happy Zombie Easter, everyone! May your body parts not be covered in chocolate and hidden in little piles of plastic grass!

Phew.

Just kidding.



APRIL FOOLS!!

Oh...NO!

Hey guess what everybody!


The World ISN'T ending!

Zombies Don't Eat Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats THEM. With a side of ketchup. And a pickle. - Miss War

Let us never again say that the Apocalypse is giving us craptastic movies!  In the wake of the shocking announcement that Sony will reboot the Spider-Man franchise with a younger, grittier, "Twilightier" version, we're now hearing (very faint) buzz that Paul Haggis is looking to give the same treatment to his classic series,"Walker, Texas Ranger."

 

BTW: THIS guy is being tapped as the new "gritty" Spidey.  When he blinks, his eyelids say "Badass" and "Awesome."

But how, you ask, could they EVER make Chuck Norris even grittier and badassier than he already is!!!??

Only Chuck Norris has the answer. And he's not in a sharing mood.

Well, after defeating every villain known to the West with his left pinkie, Chuck Norris went into a deep depression. But then as luck would have it, the Apocalypse hit! And he was back and better than ever!  Single-handedly stopping tsunamis by drinking entire oceans in a single gulp.  Eradicating subsequent droughts by taking an extended piss.  Who was there to slingshot the aliens back into orbit? Chuck Norris, that's who!  And who stopped California from slipping into the Pacific after The Big One by sewing tectonic plates back together with his own muscle fibers!? You guessed it! Chuck Norris! (Worry not, he's got enough muscle to wrap around the earth 47,000 times.)

While we have zero confirmation that plans for this already-classic-masterpiece even exists (pleasepleaseplease), it is our apoca-sworn duty to speculate on (read: make up) every possible detail.  Word from a mildly reliable source says the title will be DARK RANGER. Nice. Original. Like it.  And the plot will feature Chuck Norris going fist to sledge-hammer fist with his most vicious nemesis to date...

ZOMBIES. 

Real ones. NOT drunken trick-or-treaters.

But Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Zombies.  When Chuck Norris kills you, you STAY dead.  And when zombies try to eat Chuck Norris they choke on his titanium bones. And then he pieces himself back together.  Chuck Norris invented undead.

It looks like some zombies are about to get their shit. Fucked. UP.

I can only assume that the sequel will show us the most terrifying creature known to man: ZOMBIE CHUCK NORRIS.  I imagine that the plot will involve him roundhouse-kicking Satan in the face. Satan will then cry like a little bitch and hand over the Throne of Hell to Chuck Norris.  Chuck Norris will laugh at him, spit on the Throne, and then go skinny dipping in the River Styx.

 

Eternal Nightmares

If DARK RANGER isn't in the works, it SHOULD BE.  Comment below to sign our petition.  If you don't, Chuck Norris will...well you know.