Miss War - Signs of the Apocalypse: THE Final Destination Wins the Weekend

Oh dear. If there was ever a sure sign that the end is near it's this sunny headline: 'Final Destination' Tops 'Basterds' To Win Box Office.

Now I wasn't expecting those heedlessly entertaining Basterds to rake in "Transformers Dollars" by any stretch of the imagination.  (Talk about an Apocalyptic sign.  Wonder if Bay is aware that he sold his soul to the Devil for that one?)  But I was hoping it would at least win this lackluster weekend.

But NO.  Not during these dark times.  The better movie hardly ever wins anymore.  And the tragedy is not only did it lose the weekend, but it lost it to this BAM ("Barely A Movie").  THE FINAL DESTINATION "3-D" not only has the performance quality of a kindergarten play (Bobby Campo, Shantel VanSanten, Nick Zano, and Haley Webb's portrayals of The Squirrel, The Rabbit, The Tree, and The Bolder are a bit lacking), but the special effects were so weak that I wanted to scoop up the chocolate sauce they were using for blood and pour it on my Dibbs.

As my sagacious viewing companion pointed out, "This movie is like 'Ed Wood bad.'"  But I think even Mr. Wood would take offense to that comparison.  At least PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE and GLEN OR GLENDA offer some contribution to cinema history (and great fodder for a brilliant Tim Burton exploration).  Despite earning the esteemed title of "Worst Filmmaker of All Time," there's a love of cinema hidden in Ed Wood's terrible camera work and cue-card acting that David R. Ellis just didn't achieve.  In fact, the only actual entertainment value in this film is the hilarity of seeing shots meant for 3-D in 2-D.  (Even the deaths were only chuckle-worthy and not nearly as inventive and clever as some of the franchise's previous slayings.)

I'm SO glad I was drunk for that one.

But I blame myself for this whole weekend debacle.  I do.  And not with the same pride that I take in OTHER signs of the Apocalypse.  I didn't review INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS last week.  I didn't give it that little word-of-blog push that it clearly needed.  I didn't tell YOU, all of our many readers, to run, run, RUN NOW to the theaters to see what could be Tarantino's finest work since Travolta and Thurman twisted up the dance floor at Jack Rabbit Slims.  (Protest ALLLLL you want, Kill Bill Lovers.  You know it's true.)

Anyway, since I didn't say it before, I'll say it now. GO. Get thee to the nearest theater and make sure this horrible disaster never happens again! (Or at least next week.)  Even if you question Brad Pitt's crazy accent or why all the Basterds are name actors that we barely see, you will be so blissfully happy that you witnessed the superb acting skills of one Christoph Waltz and one Melanie Laurent. (Talk about an Honorary Horsewoman! We should just give the girl a flame thrower right now and call it a day.)  And as always, Tarantino's unparalleled vignette artistry keeps each "chapter" filled with humor that is only matched by the extreme tension in every moment. You will not be disappointed.  Well, you might be.  But that's the mark of a good Tarantino film, isn't it?  Its ability to totally polarize an audience? At the very least, don't you want to join the debates?

Oh, and PS:  THE Final Destination got it WRONG.  The "real Final Destination" is Denver.  Discuss.

Miss War - Top Ten Hits of the Apocalypse

What is the Apocalypse if not a really bad ass party? How will you throw down and get your groove on this End of Days Eve? Let me offer you a few suggestions for a great Top Ten Party Mix:

10. Livin' On a Prayer - Bon Jovi
You bet your sweet ass you are. Good luck making it to tomorrow!

9. Every Breath You Take - The Police
...might be your last. Enjoy them while you can!

8. Maneater - Nelly Furtado
To all my zombies out there, whatWHAT!

7. Ain't That a Kick in the Head - Dean Martin
Not the most accurate way to kill a zombie, but classy!

6. Dig Lazarus Dig! - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Nick Cave has been warning you for years about the dark things that come in the night to steal you away.

6. Heaven is a Place on Earth - Belinda Carlisle
Highly debatable, but I guess for some it is (eh hem, the aliens who feed on human brain stems.)

5. Hell - Squirrel Nut Zippers
This was my theme song when I started the great war that ended it all. It got me PUMPED!

4. S.O.S. - Rihanna
Love the song but why bother screaming for help? No one's coming to rescue you.

3. Hurt - Johnny Cash
Yeah, having your flesh torn from your bones probably fits into this category.

2. Re: Your Brains - Jonathan Coulton
Here's an FYI...you're all gonna die screaming. But no one's gonna eat your eyes.

1. Like a Prayer - Madonna
Because Madonna is immortal and cannot be destroyed. We've tried.

Miss Death: Signs of the Apocalypse

Aloha!

You might have noticed that signs of the forthcoming Apocalypse are popping up all over the place these days. Well, nothing increases your chance of survival like recognizing the signs and being PREPARED. For your safety, we'll be posting a Sign of the Week, but we're going to need some help, readers! And that's where YOU come in. Whenever you see a sign that we're approaching the End of Times, snap it, grab it, post it, or email it to fourhorsewoman@gmail.com!

What's that you say? A Diva Demon broke your camera during a fashion shoot? Those pesky vampires keep running away from the flash? Dropped your cell phone in a River of Blood?

Never Fear! We're not looking for pictures of our own handiwork. No, we're looking for signs that are so much worse than boils and locusts -- things that are so terrifying that even WE couldn't conceive of them...

We're looking for the things that inspire a chilling fear deep in your soul...

Things like THIS --




Seriously?! HAREM pants? As in... MC HAMMER Pants!? I only have one question for all of the designers, buyers, and retailers out there. Do me a favor. Look at your watch. And tell me. IS it Hammer Time?? IS IT!?!!?!?

Ok. Deep breaths, Death. Deep Breaths...

So we beg of you readers, send us your weak, your weary. Your stilleto sneakers. Your shoulder pads. Your inappropriately skinny jean sightings. (Who knew the Apocalypse was really the 80s?) Send us your slap bracelets!!! ('Cause trust me, when THOSE make a comeback you KNOW the end is near!). And we will proudly post them for all the world to fear!



Ta ta and to die for,
Miss Death