Miss War - Signs of the Apocalypse: THE Final Destination Wins the Weekend

Oh dear. If there was ever a sure sign that the end is near it's this sunny headline: 'Final Destination' Tops 'Basterds' To Win Box Office.

Now I wasn't expecting those heedlessly entertaining Basterds to rake in "Transformers Dollars" by any stretch of the imagination.  (Talk about an Apocalyptic sign.  Wonder if Bay is aware that he sold his soul to the Devil for that one?)  But I was hoping it would at least win this lackluster weekend.

But NO.  Not during these dark times.  The better movie hardly ever wins anymore.  And the tragedy is not only did it lose the weekend, but it lost it to this BAM ("Barely A Movie").  THE FINAL DESTINATION "3-D" not only has the performance quality of a kindergarten play (Bobby Campo, Shantel VanSanten, Nick Zano, and Haley Webb's portrayals of The Squirrel, The Rabbit, The Tree, and The Bolder are a bit lacking), but the special effects were so weak that I wanted to scoop up the chocolate sauce they were using for blood and pour it on my Dibbs.

As my sagacious viewing companion pointed out, "This movie is like 'Ed Wood bad.'"  But I think even Mr. Wood would take offense to that comparison.  At least PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE and GLEN OR GLENDA offer some contribution to cinema history (and great fodder for a brilliant Tim Burton exploration).  Despite earning the esteemed title of "Worst Filmmaker of All Time," there's a love of cinema hidden in Ed Wood's terrible camera work and cue-card acting that David R. Ellis just didn't achieve.  In fact, the only actual entertainment value in this film is the hilarity of seeing shots meant for 3-D in 2-D.  (Even the deaths were only chuckle-worthy and not nearly as inventive and clever as some of the franchise's previous slayings.)

I'm SO glad I was drunk for that one.

But I blame myself for this whole weekend debacle.  I do.  And not with the same pride that I take in OTHER signs of the Apocalypse.  I didn't review INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS last week.  I didn't give it that little word-of-blog push that it clearly needed.  I didn't tell YOU, all of our many readers, to run, run, RUN NOW to the theaters to see what could be Tarantino's finest work since Travolta and Thurman twisted up the dance floor at Jack Rabbit Slims.  (Protest ALLLLL you want, Kill Bill Lovers.  You know it's true.)

Anyway, since I didn't say it before, I'll say it now. GO. Get thee to the nearest theater and make sure this horrible disaster never happens again! (Or at least next week.)  Even if you question Brad Pitt's crazy accent or why all the Basterds are name actors that we barely see, you will be so blissfully happy that you witnessed the superb acting skills of one Christoph Waltz and one Melanie Laurent. (Talk about an Honorary Horsewoman! We should just give the girl a flame thrower right now and call it a day.)  And as always, Tarantino's unparalleled vignette artistry keeps each "chapter" filled with humor that is only matched by the extreme tension in every moment. You will not be disappointed.  Well, you might be.  But that's the mark of a good Tarantino film, isn't it?  Its ability to totally polarize an audience? At the very least, don't you want to join the debates?

Oh, and PS:  THE Final Destination got it WRONG.  The "real Final Destination" is Denver.  Discuss.

Miss War Movie Review - DISTRICT 9: How Accurate IS it???

****WARNING**** The following contains spoilers for both DISTRICT 9 and INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS.

Oh Neill Blomkamp… I know you have all sorts of pent up apartheid angst, and much to say about your native land in this metaphorical political movie masquerading as an alien sci-fi action flick. Yes, D9 is “smart.” Yes, it’s “gritty and realistic.” Yes, it says a lot about Apartheid South Africa. And yes, it made even ME shield my evil eyes at times. (The plucking off of decaying fingernails made my manicure hurt, and a girl can only take so much juicy, squishy, slimy alien guts flying about!) Bravo, Mr. Blomkamp. You made a Horsewoman squeamish. Bravo.

Is DISTRICT 9 “good?” Sure. It's well made and there's an inventive sense of a reverse-monster movie here. The Aliens are not the monsters in D9. Humans are. How clever. Humans = monstrous. Never would have thought of that.

But that is not the point of this review. As a “First Contact” film… is it accurate?

NO.

The REAL first contact wasn’t nearly as depressing as was depicted in D9. Hell, the movie even skipped the “Welcome to Earth!” party we threw for the aliens in the Colosseum. Come on! I mean, I know I can only remember HALF of that party. (Conquest thought it’d be REALLY funny to slip me a roofie – no more watching THE HANGOVER for YOU, Conquest!) But the Girls and I worked long and hard on that party, and to “pretend” like it didn’t happen, why that’s not only RUDE… it’s just plain crazy! That’s like pretending Hitler was killed in a movie theater by a Frenchwoman and a bunch of bastards! I know you had very important things to say, Mr. Blomkamp, but if you’re going to pick a historically pivotal moment to build your film around, at least get it RIGHT.

1.) The 1^st ship did not hover over Johannesburg, South Africa. It parked itself right above a Wal-Mart in Wichita.

2.) All of the “ruling/upper” class had not been killed off by some mysterious, non-descript illness (talk about a cop-out). Instead, they greeted us willingly and introduced us to their awesome fashion sense and wickedly advanced (and ALSO fashion-forward) communication technology (something like using an iPhone to do a Vulcan Mind Meld).

3.) Catfood?? No no no no no no. Mr. Spielberg’s guess was more accurate than Mr. Blomkamp’s. The REAL aliens found candy and soda WAY more appetizing than CATFOOD. They’re also big fans of spicy beef goulash served with a nice glass of 1999 Clos des Lambrays Grand Cru Pinot Noir.

(*This “Goulash Revelation” is the reason Wolfgang Puck became the #2 most important person of the Apocalypse. Right after Will Smith. Of Course.)

4.) Catfood??? (Part 2) No no no no no no! The alien drug of choice is CLEARLY cocaine. Get it right people. Sometimes they dabble in E, but only at parties really.

5.) The first Alien-Human hybrid did not result from some slow-on-the-uptake dude spraying himself in the face with a can of Alien Hairspray-Fuel, cleverly named “MacGuffin.” It happened the way all genetic hybrids happen: MATING. Aren’t we glad that the REAL aliens are WAY hotter than the Prawns of D9? It makes for MUCH cuter alien-human babies.

Overall DISTRICT 9 is worth the price of the ticket, but not something I ever want to see again. The historical inaccuracies were just too much for me.

Peace, Love, and Mai Tais,

Miss War