A Night at the Apocalypse: Movie Preview - Miss War

Once again the Apocalyptic Force is strong in the new movies coming out this week.  I'm not sure if it's something in the water or the air or the rivers of fiery sulfur,  but every release seems show all signs pointing towards the End.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm kinda excited.  In fact, things are getting so ominous and doomsday-y (and we KNOW Sony and Roland Emmerich are planning something MONUMENTAL for their super-fab 2012), that I think it's time to start rating these things threat-level style.  YAY, color coding!

CODE GREEN (Low threat of actually causing the Apocalypse): THE BOYS ARE BACK

The Gist: Clive Owen takes on the task of raising two sons on his own, one young and one teenager (from an earlier marriage), when his beloved wife suddenly dies. 

The Prophecy:  Touching? Maybe.  Cheesy and predictable? Possibly.  Adorable? Boy, I hope so.  Safe? As a lead mountain bunker designed to protect world leaders and celebrities during an asteroid shower.

CODE BLUE (Guarded risk of bringing about the end of the world as we know it): PARANORMAL ACTIVITY

The Gist: An independent ghost thriller about a couple convinced their new house is haunted.  They decide to document the nocturnal occurrences and are shocked at the horror that they discover.  Limited release (but pointedly NOT New York and LA). 

The Prophecy: While this EXORCIST meets BLAIR WITCH PROJECT totally messes with this couple's life, the Horsewomen find this supposedly "terrifying" paranormal activity just part of the normal day-to-day.  Human audiences, however, should be scared witless and potentially pee their pants.  Either way, this is *Miss War's Best Bet of the Weekend!*

CODE YELLOW (Elevated threat of Doomsday results after seeing this movie): PANDORUM

The Gist: Dennis Quaid and Ben Foster play a pair of astronauts who awake on their spaceship to find that they are the only crew members on board.  Not only that, but they have amnesia!   In true sci-fi thriller fashion, they quickly discover that "they are not alone."  (Oooooooo.  Twist!)

The Prophecy: Hey! How did movie bosses know what I did last weekend?!  Don't you worry Ben and Dennis, it's probably just your friends playing an uber-mean practical joke on you after you passed out from too many tequila shots. (Thanks a lot, Conquest.  Bitch.)

CODE ORANGE (High probability of Fire and Brimstone chasing you out of the theater): SURROGATES

The Gist:  "In a world" where everyone has a "surrogate" robot of themselves to go out and live life for them, someone messes with the "system" and people start dying while logged into the "system."  Only the real Bruce Willis (not "Bruce Willis," the surrogate robot with weird hair), can save them.  Obviously. 

The Prophecy: We think this movie's premise warrants too many "ironic quotes" for it NOT to be apocalyptic.  And while synthetic biology/human-nanobot hybrids are a serious issue (and the front runner for my vote for the apocalypse), we can't help but wonder if SURROGATES is just Bruce Willis seeing "fake people."

CODE RED (WARNING! WARNING! This WILL cause the destruction of the fabric of the Universe!) : FAME
The Gist: 29 years after the original film and exceptional television adaptation, Hollywood felt compelled to remake FAME for the "High School Musical" generation.
The Prophecy: WHYYYYYYYYYY?!!?? Why remake this? Why set it in a NYC that isn't nearly as dirty, crazy, and just plain weird as NYC circa 1980?  What good can come of this?  Nothing short of catastrophic, that's what. This might as well star Zac Efron (and I LIKE Zac Efron!).  And it's not just us.  According to critics, he awesome deeply bizarreness of the musical theater scene of 1980's New York can't possibly be replicated in this You Tube driven, Hannah Montana world setting.  Even the posters look like iPod ads!






OTHER THREATS TREATS

BRIEF  INTERVIEWS WITH HIDEOUS MEN - The only sign of the apocalypse in this movie is director John Krasinski's recent engagement to PRADA actress Emily Blunt.  Sorry Ladies.  

CAPITALISM: A LOVE STORY - I think we all know Michael Moore's deal by now.  


COCO BEFORE CHANEL - Strong reviews and the ever-adorable Audrey Tautou?  Why not!?

Miss War - Signs of the Apocalypse: THE Final Destination Wins the Weekend

Oh dear. If there was ever a sure sign that the end is near it's this sunny headline: 'Final Destination' Tops 'Basterds' To Win Box Office.

Now I wasn't expecting those heedlessly entertaining Basterds to rake in "Transformers Dollars" by any stretch of the imagination.  (Talk about an Apocalyptic sign.  Wonder if Bay is aware that he sold his soul to the Devil for that one?)  But I was hoping it would at least win this lackluster weekend.

But NO.  Not during these dark times.  The better movie hardly ever wins anymore.  And the tragedy is not only did it lose the weekend, but it lost it to this BAM ("Barely A Movie").  THE FINAL DESTINATION "3-D" not only has the performance quality of a kindergarten play (Bobby Campo, Shantel VanSanten, Nick Zano, and Haley Webb's portrayals of The Squirrel, The Rabbit, The Tree, and The Bolder are a bit lacking), but the special effects were so weak that I wanted to scoop up the chocolate sauce they were using for blood and pour it on my Dibbs.

As my sagacious viewing companion pointed out, "This movie is like 'Ed Wood bad.'"  But I think even Mr. Wood would take offense to that comparison.  At least PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE and GLEN OR GLENDA offer some contribution to cinema history (and great fodder for a brilliant Tim Burton exploration).  Despite earning the esteemed title of "Worst Filmmaker of All Time," there's a love of cinema hidden in Ed Wood's terrible camera work and cue-card acting that David R. Ellis just didn't achieve.  In fact, the only actual entertainment value in this film is the hilarity of seeing shots meant for 3-D in 2-D.  (Even the deaths were only chuckle-worthy and not nearly as inventive and clever as some of the franchise's previous slayings.)

I'm SO glad I was drunk for that one.

But I blame myself for this whole weekend debacle.  I do.  And not with the same pride that I take in OTHER signs of the Apocalypse.  I didn't review INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS last week.  I didn't give it that little word-of-blog push that it clearly needed.  I didn't tell YOU, all of our many readers, to run, run, RUN NOW to the theaters to see what could be Tarantino's finest work since Travolta and Thurman twisted up the dance floor at Jack Rabbit Slims.  (Protest ALLLLL you want, Kill Bill Lovers.  You know it's true.)

Anyway, since I didn't say it before, I'll say it now. GO. Get thee to the nearest theater and make sure this horrible disaster never happens again! (Or at least next week.)  Even if you question Brad Pitt's crazy accent or why all the Basterds are name actors that we barely see, you will be so blissfully happy that you witnessed the superb acting skills of one Christoph Waltz and one Melanie Laurent. (Talk about an Honorary Horsewoman! We should just give the girl a flame thrower right now and call it a day.)  And as always, Tarantino's unparalleled vignette artistry keeps each "chapter" filled with humor that is only matched by the extreme tension in every moment. You will not be disappointed.  Well, you might be.  But that's the mark of a good Tarantino film, isn't it?  Its ability to totally polarize an audience? At the very least, don't you want to join the debates?

Oh, and PS:  THE Final Destination got it WRONG.  The "real Final Destination" is Denver.  Discuss.

Miss War: 2012 - Poster Mania

Our current state of apocalypse is a common subject for filmmakers these days, and no one is more obsessed than one Mr. Roland Emmerich. The latest posters for his "Roland Emmerich's Greatest Hits," -- I mean "2012," were released today.






WTF Emmerich!?!?!?!? All of our hard work plotting, planning, and bringing about the apocalypse and you just totally CUT US OUT OF THE PICTURE?!?!?!? Not a single Horsewoman to be seen in these! Mother effer. I bet we end up on cutting room floor too. "Starring roles" my ass.



(*Thanks to MAK9 for the poster images. MAK9 is an expert Poster Critic, with much experience working for a Movie Poster Company that shall not be named.)

Miss War Movie Review - DISTRICT 9: How Accurate IS it???

****WARNING**** The following contains spoilers for both DISTRICT 9 and INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS.

Oh Neill Blomkamp… I know you have all sorts of pent up apartheid angst, and much to say about your native land in this metaphorical political movie masquerading as an alien sci-fi action flick. Yes, D9 is “smart.” Yes, it’s “gritty and realistic.” Yes, it says a lot about Apartheid South Africa. And yes, it made even ME shield my evil eyes at times. (The plucking off of decaying fingernails made my manicure hurt, and a girl can only take so much juicy, squishy, slimy alien guts flying about!) Bravo, Mr. Blomkamp. You made a Horsewoman squeamish. Bravo.

Is DISTRICT 9 “good?” Sure. It's well made and there's an inventive sense of a reverse-monster movie here. The Aliens are not the monsters in D9. Humans are. How clever. Humans = monstrous. Never would have thought of that.

But that is not the point of this review. As a “First Contact” film… is it accurate?

NO.

The REAL first contact wasn’t nearly as depressing as was depicted in D9. Hell, the movie even skipped the “Welcome to Earth!” party we threw for the aliens in the Colosseum. Come on! I mean, I know I can only remember HALF of that party. (Conquest thought it’d be REALLY funny to slip me a roofie – no more watching THE HANGOVER for YOU, Conquest!) But the Girls and I worked long and hard on that party, and to “pretend” like it didn’t happen, why that’s not only RUDE… it’s just plain crazy! That’s like pretending Hitler was killed in a movie theater by a Frenchwoman and a bunch of bastards! I know you had very important things to say, Mr. Blomkamp, but if you’re going to pick a historically pivotal moment to build your film around, at least get it RIGHT.

1.) The 1^st ship did not hover over Johannesburg, South Africa. It parked itself right above a Wal-Mart in Wichita.

2.) All of the “ruling/upper” class had not been killed off by some mysterious, non-descript illness (talk about a cop-out). Instead, they greeted us willingly and introduced us to their awesome fashion sense and wickedly advanced (and ALSO fashion-forward) communication technology (something like using an iPhone to do a Vulcan Mind Meld).

3.) Catfood?? No no no no no no. Mr. Spielberg’s guess was more accurate than Mr. Blomkamp’s. The REAL aliens found candy and soda WAY more appetizing than CATFOOD. They’re also big fans of spicy beef goulash served with a nice glass of 1999 Clos des Lambrays Grand Cru Pinot Noir.

(*This “Goulash Revelation” is the reason Wolfgang Puck became the #2 most important person of the Apocalypse. Right after Will Smith. Of Course.)

4.) Catfood??? (Part 2) No no no no no no! The alien drug of choice is CLEARLY cocaine. Get it right people. Sometimes they dabble in E, but only at parties really.

5.) The first Alien-Human hybrid did not result from some slow-on-the-uptake dude spraying himself in the face with a can of Alien Hairspray-Fuel, cleverly named “MacGuffin.” It happened the way all genetic hybrids happen: MATING. Aren’t we glad that the REAL aliens are WAY hotter than the Prawns of D9? It makes for MUCH cuter alien-human babies.

Overall DISTRICT 9 is worth the price of the ticket, but not something I ever want to see again. The historical inaccuracies were just too much for me.

Peace, Love, and Mai Tais,

Miss War

MISS CONQUEST: 5 Apocalyptic Fighter Pilots to Fly You To Safety (and save you from loneliness)

Ladies, the Apocalypse might have cut the population down by…what is it now, 70%? But that doesn’t mean that there are less fish in the sea these days. Yes, I know I’ve had a rough time with the web dating lately (see: zombie boy), but who hasn’t? There are some real monsters out there!

But my recent failures have only fueled my fantasies about how this world of disaster might actually HELP my love life. So this afternoon I’m going to take a breather from the real dating world and instead dive into the REEL dating world. As I lie back on my reupholstered lounge chair that Miss Famine so kindly rescued and restored for me, and take a sip of my Toxic Waste Martini, I imagine being saved from a giant tsunami and whisked away to safety by one of these FIVE hunky apocalyptic fighter pilots:


#5. Maverick – While Maverick’s hotshot, high flying skills haven’t been tested since Pre-Apocalyptic times, I wouldn’t think twice about take a ride with him right into the Danger Zone!




#4. Malcolm (Mal) Reynolds – The yummy “Firefly” hero only had one short season to show us his stuff – but boy was he made of some delicious rebellious charm served up with a side of quotable snarktastic remarks. With Mal at the helm, you’ll never have to worry about being eaten by an evil Reaver.
(*Note: One of the reasons The Fox Network didn’t survive the Apocalypse was because they canceled God Whedon’s work of genius. Just sayin.)



#3. Han Solo – The ORIGINAL Apocalyptic Fighter Pilot. ‘Nuff said.

“You like me because I'm a scoundrel. There aren't enough scoundrels in your life.”

Indeed there aren’t, Han. Indeed there aren’t…




#2. Harry S. Stamper COMBINED with Korben Dallas – Yes, I KNOW Stampler is an oil driller. And Korben Dallas is a cab driver (and former soldier, might I remind you!). But with asteroid showers on the rise, and Evil dooers like Mr. Zorg running as rampant as Reavers these days, if you put the two together, there’s no one sexier, I mean better, to save the world...



#1. Captain Steve Hiller – Except THIS GUY. Now, Will Smith has made a career out of saving the world - at least three times from aliens, once from zombies, and once from robots. And don’t forget about his stint as a gen-u-ine superhero. In fact, this man has saved so many lives that he IS the first step in surviving the Apocalypse. He’s not only big, strong, handsome and impossibly charming… he’s gosh darn Armageddon-PROOF.

But Captain Steve Hiller? Well, when he punches out that final alien and lights up his cigar, you won’t even care that the fat lady is hitting those high C’s because you’ll be safe in his arms, watching the world burn around you.


And THAT is why he’s our #1 Apocalyptic Fighter Pilot.

Miss War - Tip #1 for Surviving the Apocalypse

In the event of the Apocalypse...

Step one: Find Will Smith.

Step two: Find a stray dog.


Movies have taught us that this strategy yields the highest probability of survival.


-The Four Horsewomen