Spiked Beauty - Miss Death

These days style must be matched with function.  That necklace?  Better also be a choker (that will...you know, actually choke somebody).  Those shoes - well, they don't call them stilettos for nothing!  That adorable bag?  Can it conceal an automatic weapon?  It better.  Rule #1 of End of World Fashion: Dress it up anyway you like, but make sure the firepower is deadly.

Lady Gaga: Prepared for the Apocalypse since 2008.

When I saw this beautiful line of claw jewelry by Dilan Walpola on the ever handy trendhunter.com, I thought - now that's a man with his neck bolts screwed on right!  Style, beauty and utility.

I can only imagine that he was inspired by the string of mutations that have befallen humans recently.  But for those of us who are still waiting for our fangs, scissorhands, and automatic weapon legs, it wouldn't hurt to load up on some of these.   No one - be it zombie, alien, looter, or just your average Mr. Saturday Night Bar Douchebag, will mess with you if you flash them one of these babies.

Dilan's Fall Line, coming to a Bloomingdales near you.

Perfect Accessories for Repurposing Your Summer Wardrobe for Fall... or Nuclear Fallout - Miss Death

The seasons have become a little random here in the apocalypse... Spring today, Winter tomorrow, Summer the day after that.  But, it is the season traditionally considered Fall, so lets talk about turning that breezy summer wardrobe into something that can survive Fall breezes and the more common nuclear fall out drill conditions.  

1. Scarves!


This is kind of an obvious one, but adapting the Spring and Summer scarf trend into cooler days is a smart way to update last years sweaters and jackets and take advantage of that silky scarfyou bought on impulse in July.  Scarves are, of course, the ultimate survival accessory.  The larger, floatier types that are stylish now double well as blankets, tourniquets, pillows, rope ladders and weapons.  Who could ask for more from an accessory.

2. Red Bags!


The "it" color for that "it" bag this season is siren red.  Red is a perfect, fun, poppy color that can add weight to flimsy summer dresses and give lightness to darker fall colors AND a smart choice for anyone in our apocalyptic age.  Need to flag down a rescue chopper?  Swing that bag.  Need to slip into a disaster zone?  Slap a + on that bag in white tape and suddenly you're a medic.  Need to scare away an alien? They HATE red, wave that bag in their face and off they go.  


3. Tights!


The perfect accessory for turning capris, summer dresses and rompers into the super stars of your fall wardrobe.  Opaque tights are going to be everywhere this fall, and not just because they keep your legs warm in those October cold snaps. 




Protecting your legs from cold is great, but there's so much more to protect those delicate stems from these days.  Toxic waste... Zombies... killer plant life... you name it, a good pair of tights will keep you safe from it. AND they'll make you're legs look smokin' hot.  






Downside?  We just don't see one.


Enjoy that Fall shopping kids!

Fall Fashion Guide: Boots Kick Some Serious Apocalypitc Ass! - Miss Death

Fall has arrived!

The calendar and weather may disagree (LA is quite literally burning at the moment), but according to my local Starbucks, the leaves are turning and the fruit is falling off the trees (read, the world is dying), and Miss Death can get herself the tastiest treat of all -- a non-fat, sugar free Pumpkin Spice Latte!

Autumn is my favorite time of the Apocalypse for so many reasons: 1.) In no other season does the world so slowly and beautifully DIE.  2.) Fall TV is back with my favorite superhero of all -- TIM GUNN!!!  What would I do without you, Project Runway, my love?  3.) All the little children head back to school and stay far away from me. (They're so annoying with their incessant, nattering questions -- "Miss Death, what happens when we die?  Where do we go?  Do dogs go to heaven? How about hamsters?"  I don't know!  I just usher it in! After that, you're on your own, kids.  Follow the light and all that nonsense.)

And last but not least... the number one reason that this season fills my not-so-beating-heart with joy: FALL FASHIONS!

Oh, the colorful plaid. The cozy sweater coats and snug little blazers.  The warm wool and corduroy.  The textured tights...

...and the BOOTS!

No day compares to that first crisp day of Fall when I can open my closet door and say, "Not today, Havianas.  Today you stay home.  Frye and I are going out on the town!"

So maybe I have a boot fetish.  Is that so wrong?  They make my shinbones look so slender and sexy!

And in this dangerous apocalyptic world boots aren't just a fashion statement.  They're a necessity.

This season's hottest trends won't only save your outfits... they can SAVE YOUR LIFE!



TREND: Zippers and chains.    
When you'll need them:  A zombie has half a mind to dive at you and sample some of your delicious brains.  Just reach down and grab hold of the perfect weapon with which to clobber him over the head or lock him up.

TREND: Spiked stilettos.    
When you'll need them:  You're taking a quiet walk in a lovely graveyard with your dearly beloved when a vampire pops up and surprises you.  One swift kick to the heart will dust him in no time!


TREND: Platforms.    
When you'll need them:  It's Saturday night and you're heading over to a friend's hovel for a cocktail party, but you have to wade through a river of blood first.

TREND: Slouchy boots
When you'll need them:  Slouchy boots have excess material and room -- plenty of space to conceal a dagger, pistol, or stake.


TREND: Animal Prints:    
When you'll need them:  A mutant leopard is stalking towards you.  With these puppies on, he'll think you're one of his own and not chomp your head off.

 
TREND:  Flat boots.   
When you'll need them:  Running away from ANYTHING.



TREND: Booties   
When you'll need them:  Never.  While these "shoe-boots" are adorable, they rarely come in handy during any life threatening situations.  Only use them when paired with another trend (i.e. booties + chains = gold).


Well there you have it.  Fall at its most divine!  Fashion meets Function in a post-apocalyptic world!

Ta ta and to die for!
Miss Death

Miss Death - Neon: Fashion Choice or Safety Tool?

Correct answer? BOTH

There's a reason why neon and hunting plaid have become the IT fashion trends this year - the apocalypse. Want to go out for a night on the town but afraid you're going to get chomped by a zombie? Not to worry, just pull out your AWESOME neon evening wear. Not only do zombies HATE neon - they much prefer grunge - these pieces will make you easy to spot for rescuers:

Going vampire staking? Gotta have the latest hunting attire:

Trying to live through a category eight hurricane? This lovely rain slicker will keep you warm and dry:

Bottom line? Neon is a must this year. You just can't survive in style without it!

Miss War Movie Review - DISTRICT 9: How Accurate IS it???

****WARNING**** The following contains spoilers for both DISTRICT 9 and INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS.

Oh Neill Blomkamp… I know you have all sorts of pent up apartheid angst, and much to say about your native land in this metaphorical political movie masquerading as an alien sci-fi action flick. Yes, D9 is “smart.” Yes, it’s “gritty and realistic.” Yes, it says a lot about Apartheid South Africa. And yes, it made even ME shield my evil eyes at times. (The plucking off of decaying fingernails made my manicure hurt, and a girl can only take so much juicy, squishy, slimy alien guts flying about!) Bravo, Mr. Blomkamp. You made a Horsewoman squeamish. Bravo.

Is DISTRICT 9 “good?” Sure. It's well made and there's an inventive sense of a reverse-monster movie here. The Aliens are not the monsters in D9. Humans are. How clever. Humans = monstrous. Never would have thought of that.

But that is not the point of this review. As a “First Contact” film… is it accurate?

NO.

The REAL first contact wasn’t nearly as depressing as was depicted in D9. Hell, the movie even skipped the “Welcome to Earth!” party we threw for the aliens in the Colosseum. Come on! I mean, I know I can only remember HALF of that party. (Conquest thought it’d be REALLY funny to slip me a roofie – no more watching THE HANGOVER for YOU, Conquest!) But the Girls and I worked long and hard on that party, and to “pretend” like it didn’t happen, why that’s not only RUDE… it’s just plain crazy! That’s like pretending Hitler was killed in a movie theater by a Frenchwoman and a bunch of bastards! I know you had very important things to say, Mr. Blomkamp, but if you’re going to pick a historically pivotal moment to build your film around, at least get it RIGHT.

1.) The 1^st ship did not hover over Johannesburg, South Africa. It parked itself right above a Wal-Mart in Wichita.

2.) All of the “ruling/upper” class had not been killed off by some mysterious, non-descript illness (talk about a cop-out). Instead, they greeted us willingly and introduced us to their awesome fashion sense and wickedly advanced (and ALSO fashion-forward) communication technology (something like using an iPhone to do a Vulcan Mind Meld).

3.) Catfood?? No no no no no no. Mr. Spielberg’s guess was more accurate than Mr. Blomkamp’s. The REAL aliens found candy and soda WAY more appetizing than CATFOOD. They’re also big fans of spicy beef goulash served with a nice glass of 1999 Clos des Lambrays Grand Cru Pinot Noir.

(*This “Goulash Revelation” is the reason Wolfgang Puck became the #2 most important person of the Apocalypse. Right after Will Smith. Of Course.)

4.) Catfood??? (Part 2) No no no no no no! The alien drug of choice is CLEARLY cocaine. Get it right people. Sometimes they dabble in E, but only at parties really.

5.) The first Alien-Human hybrid did not result from some slow-on-the-uptake dude spraying himself in the face with a can of Alien Hairspray-Fuel, cleverly named “MacGuffin.” It happened the way all genetic hybrids happen: MATING. Aren’t we glad that the REAL aliens are WAY hotter than the Prawns of D9? It makes for MUCH cuter alien-human babies.

Overall DISTRICT 9 is worth the price of the ticket, but not something I ever want to see again. The historical inaccuracies were just too much for me.

Peace, Love, and Mai Tais,

Miss War

Miss Death: Packing for a Quick "Getaway"

As War already mentioned, we Horsewomen are participating in the great time honored summer tradition this weekend – THE WEEKEND GETAWAY.

Back before the Dark Times, the weekend getaway was my FAVORITE type of vacation. Spontaneous, short, and destined to be jam packed full of fun and memories. Whether it was an impromptu road trip to Wine Country or the Hamptons, or a crazy weekend in Vegas NOTHING beat a weekend getaway.

Well, since the Apocalypse, the term “getaway” has changed a little bit. While it can still spark the excitement of that girls’ weekend in Cabo, sometimes the “getaway” is just THAT – getting away. And FAST. When the mutant army is banging down your door, or the floods are rising in your basements, or the rain of fiery sulfur is burning a fast hole in your roof, you’re going to need to make a quick escape. And who knows when or IF you’ll ever return. So here are a few tips on how to pack so you'll be prepared for that luxury resort weekend that has every possibility of turning into a permanent hideout.

First, you’ll want to keep your adorable weekender packed and ready to go. The responsible apocalyptic survivor keeps it easily in reach by the front door. And because you never know where you'll end up or how long you'll be gone, only pack what you will absolutely need, which is not so easy these days with the drastic climate changes.

Say you’ve fled a zombie invasion and are headed down to Mexico (or what’s left of it). You’ll need to be prepared to wake up to a blistery 140 degree morning – so a light cotton sundress, and airy sandals are all you’ll need. Well, those and your super-sunblock. And maybe a hat.

But when the acid rain starts falling, make sure you have sturdy rain boots and a compact umbrella. Preferably one lined with lead.

And we all know that there are some days that the sun just doesn’t rise. Or maybe an earthquake ripped your apart your coastline and you’ve got to book it up to Canada before the aftershocks sweep you away. You’re DEFINITELY going to want some protection against those cold, -75 degree, Canadian Nights stashed somewhere in that bag.

We all know that when you want to get more out of an outfit, mix it up with accessories! Why not carry something fashionable AND practical? Remember, you certainly don't want your merry night on the town ruined by a swarm of zombies that you can't fight off. If you've chosen your accessories wisely, you can take care of those pests while still looking great! Hidden in your getaway bag, you’ll want a solid, reliable, 9mm for day time, but something a little flashier for night. Guns not your style? Nothing classes up an outfit like a gleaming cutlass, and a thin rapier will do the trick without adding unwanted pounds to your weekender.

So pack smart. Pack light. And pack NOW!

We’re going to VEGAS, BABY!

Ta ta and to die for,
Miss Death

End of Daisy: Your Post-Apocalyptic Mouth of the South

Miss Famine here. I'm so pleased to introduce all of our favorite readers to a dear, dear friend, End of Daisy. She's just the best, and she's agreed to share her thoughts with us whenever she has a spare moment between promenading through town and battling zombies for that last Chanel suit!

It breaks my heart to think just because of all this Apocalypse nonsense, all form of class and elegance, beauty and taste, goes right out the window. And so, I lament the loss of the little things. For instance, as I partook of my afternoon promenade (as I do every Tuesday afternoon, as mother did before me, and my grandmother before her) , I noticed a young lady not one block from my home wearing sandals with stockings. Open-toed sandals with stockings! I never! As if that weren’t enough of a faux pas, I regret to inform you the stockings themselves were almost certainly of the dime-store variety, their hue a vulgar shade of taupe. I know in these trying times, with the zombies and the mutants and the roving Mad Max-style motorcycle gangs, such a breech in good taste is hardly worth a second thought--- and yet, I was awake all night thinking about those toes encased like little sausages under a gaudy sheen. If we allow the young ladies of this country (however fractured at the moment by rampant earthquakes, turf wars, and forbidden zones) to parade around with open-toed shoes and stockings, what’s next?

We simply must cling to our traditions of refinement and I, for one, am doing my part. When a nice young man offered to carry my bag home from the market (my friends and I habitually refer to the abandoned lots and former dumps where we scrounge for food as “markets” ), I not only expressed my gratitude in person, I also copied out a lovely thank you note on my monogrammed stationary. Unfortunately, I was unable to deliver the note due to the young man’s sudden disappearance (he was either carried off by a flash flood or eaten by one of those nuclear alligators), but it’s the thought that counts.

Additionally, I have begun to horde and embroider small scraps of cloth to be used as the requisite linens at my annual Winter Tea. A few acquaintances have employed paper napkins (and plastic cups!) at their summer soirees, but my closest friends and I have agreed in the name of tradition to do as our proud Southern ancestors have done for generations: we will go to absurd lengths to preserve the appearance of wealth and gentility. And so I continue to stitch by candle light and guard my grandmother’s crystal punch bowl (the only piece of family crystal not to shatter when that giant asteroid disrupted the Earth’s gravitational pull) with my grandfather’s equally-precious antique silver musket. I have, as of yet, refrained from yanking down my drapes to forge a ball gown--- but I would never rule out the possibility (although most of my window dressings have been singed by acid rain and the occasional well-aimed grenade).

Make no mistake, these are times of great upheaval and change. But I implore all modern girls attempting to navigate this often confusing, sometimes exhilarating post-apocalyptic world not to relinquish all brand of taste, class, and elegance. If you do devolve into a sandal-and-stockings-wearing-unmannered-uncouth-Yankee-loving philistine, don’t be surprised when your social calendar remains as vacant as your gaze and the country club (we plan to start reseeding the greens as soon as all those quarantined super-flu victims near the fourteenth hole can be relocated) ignores your application.

Until next time, remember, tomorrow is another day…maybe.

End of Daisy

Miss Death: Life's a Beach

Happy Saturday all of you beautiful, beautiful people!

I know what you’re all thinking – “Miss Death is in an uncommonly good mood today. Did she eat a cookie? Invite Mr. Grim Reaper back to the coffin last night (insert “boning” joke here)? SOMETHING is going on, and I sure hope there isn’t an earthquake scheduled in China anytime soon!”

Relax, friends, it’s none of those things. (Although I DID run into Grimmy on Sunset last night, but as if I’d EVER invite him back after what his scythe did to the lining of my lovely coffin last time. Never again, Grimmy. Never. Again.)

No, readers, I’m in this uncommonly chipper mood today because it’s AUGUST 1st! The official kick off to Vacation Month! I can already feel it – the UV rays bleaching my bones, giving me that “just dead” glow. The boys whistling at my skin-and-bones bikini body that I work SO hard to get (take THAT, Grimmy!) It’s just simply the BEST. MONTH. EVER.

Now, I’m aware that some things have changed since the Apocalypse hit. (Especially for you, Coloradans. How you liking than beach front property? Pretty nice, eh?) And this is what I want to talk to you all about today. Even before the Big A was upon us, we were already keen on “beach safety.” We were aware of the skin cancer dangers, the early-aging damage, the men in inappropriately tiny banana hammocks! But now things are so much WORSE so we have to be TWICE as careful.

You might have heard that the zombies have set up shop along the shoreline. Something about the mists of the crashing waves keeping their skin moist and…on their faces. So be sure that when you’re packing up that beach tote you throw in a light, but sharp machete. My fave is the Double Edge -- for obvious reasons. Zombie brain stems won't stand a chance!

For most of the day your normal SPFs (130-290) will work. And don’t forget the super stylish sunglasses, perfect for protecting your corneas AND secretly scoping out the talent. But for that Noon hour, when the solar flares erupt as they’re wont to do these days, you’ll need something a little stronger.

And as for those sharks with legs all crawling out of the ocean and stuff... I'm all for the beach sandals, but when you see one of THOSE suckers coming at you, you're going to want to have footwear that's a LITTLE more reliable.

Say you want to extend your beach excursion into the night. During the day (except for Noon of course) you’re good to go in your sexy suit and darling cover-up. But remember, beach towns are overrun by Vamps come nightfall, so you’re going to want that perfect scarf to obscure your beating vein lines. Why tempt fate?

That’s all for now folks. Enjoy your fun in the sun and as always, be safe! The sky IS falling out there, after all.

Ta ta and to die for,
Miss Death

Miss Death: Signs of the Apocalypse

Aloha!

You might have noticed that signs of the forthcoming Apocalypse are popping up all over the place these days. Well, nothing increases your chance of survival like recognizing the signs and being PREPARED. For your safety, we'll be posting a Sign of the Week, but we're going to need some help, readers! And that's where YOU come in. Whenever you see a sign that we're approaching the End of Times, snap it, grab it, post it, or email it to fourhorsewoman@gmail.com!

What's that you say? A Diva Demon broke your camera during a fashion shoot? Those pesky vampires keep running away from the flash? Dropped your cell phone in a River of Blood?

Never Fear! We're not looking for pictures of our own handiwork. No, we're looking for signs that are so much worse than boils and locusts -- things that are so terrifying that even WE couldn't conceive of them...

We're looking for the things that inspire a chilling fear deep in your soul...

Things like THIS --




Seriously?! HAREM pants? As in... MC HAMMER Pants!? I only have one question for all of the designers, buyers, and retailers out there. Do me a favor. Look at your watch. And tell me. IS it Hammer Time?? IS IT!?!!?!?

Ok. Deep breaths, Death. Deep Breaths...

So we beg of you readers, send us your weak, your weary. Your stilleto sneakers. Your shoulder pads. Your inappropriately skinny jean sightings. (Who knew the Apocalypse was really the 80s?) Send us your slap bracelets!!! ('Cause trust me, when THOSE make a comeback you KNOW the end is near!). And we will proudly post them for all the world to fear!



Ta ta and to die for,
Miss Death