Why It's Great To Have a Jedi President - Miss Conquest

We here in the apocalypse are constantly disappointed in our dear President Obama's constant lack of apocalyptic hysteria mongering.  The guy just isn't good at stirring up the end of the world party.  However, now that we know that he's a JEDI, we may be willing to cut him some slack:

Coolest. President. Ever. Now if only he'd start bringing the lightsaber to health care debates, maybe he could get some decisions made and then we could all get back to the real issues.  Like negotiating ownership of Alaska with the Zorgons from Planet Zorg.

Music to Melt Faces - Miss War

I'm feeling particularly bad ass today, darlings, so unsnap those fanny packs and try to keep up. It's Music Wednesday and I've put together a list of new and old music that will help get you pumped for the next time some asshole zombie jumps you in the parking lot of the A&P when all you wanted was some Fudge Ripple Ice Cream.

5.  Megadeath - "Dialectic Chaos"
...cause when I first read the title of the track I thought it said "Diabetic Chaos," and I thought "shit, someone get David Mustaine some insulin!"

4.  Shakira - "SheWolf"
Oh Shakira, you sexy little vixen! (cat sound)

3. Motherboar - "Grillin and Killin"
Can't lose with either of those options.

2. Muse - "Uprising"
Who and their mother isn't forming an uprising these days? Sometimes battling the revolt of the lesser masses is effing exhausting.

1. Professor Murder - "Free Stress Test"
Go ahead, put your feet up and forget all about that Vamp that didn't call you back. He probably still lives in his mother's basement.

And lastly, here is a video of Sesame Street singing Slayer.  Grover can thrash.

 Happy Wednesday, you little freaks.

Farewell, Patrick Swayze. You've given us the time of our lives, and we'll never forget you. - Miss War

The Four Horsewomen are heartbroken, Readers. And I know we are not alone.

Singing, dancing, and acting icon, Patrick Swayze, lost his hard-fought battle with pancreatic cancer yesterday afternoon.   He was 57. 

I feel as though a bright, shining light of my childhood has gone out (and not for the first time this year). Years ago, when we were younger, before we became the Horsewomen you know and love today, we were but mere horseteenagers, nay, horsegirls, giggling about girlish things during our weekly Friday night slumber parties.

 

Little Death insisted that we play fashion show (even though NONE of us could fit into her tiny little fashionista frocks). Little Famine always wanted to make chocolate chip cookies, even though they ALWAYS burned (she hadn’t yet learned how to control the fire and brimstone under the cauldron). And Little Conquest was constantly sneaking a ciggy or two and then out she went, through the window to meet up with a fellow (or two…).

 

But me…all I wanted were the movies. THE slumber party movies. The ones that made us swoon, made us dance, made us laugh and cry. You know the ones… Top Gun, 16 Candles, Breakfast Club… Ferris Bueller… I could watch them forever.

But there was one man who was a constant in these slumber party movies. And he was THE perfect man. Charming. Dashing. Dark and mysterious, but with a quick smile. Debonair and rough around the edges all at the same time. And the man could sing and dance like he was sent from above.

Patrick Swayze fueled our summer camp dreams in Dirty Dancing. He taught us that you don’t put your heel down, you stay in your own dance space and hold the frame, and one of the most important lessons of my young life – Nobody puts Baby in a corner. EVER. Don’t even think about it.

But Swayze wasn’t just a pair of perfectly swiveling hips – he was the ULTIMATE romantic hero. In Ghost he defied DEATH (and she does NOT like to be defied) to get back to his beloved Demi Moore. Phew. It does not get more romantic than that. Every time those first Unchained Melody notes would float through the speakers, my heart fluttered with a thousand moths. ‘Maybe I should take a pottery class,’ I thought. I would surely find my soul mate there. And we would mold clay happily forever after.

Mr. Swayze, you molded my girlhood like you molded that clay. You brought these characters to life and showed us that chivalry was very much alive. And while we’ve watched you struggle with this horrible disease for the last 20 months, we Horsewoman would rather remember you as the agile, graceful legend that you were –

So here’s to you, Patrick Swayze. And you, Johnny Castle. And to you, Sam Wheat. May you rest in peace and live on forever in our hearts.

Perfect Accessories for Repurposing Your Summer Wardrobe for Fall... or Nuclear Fallout - Miss Death

The seasons have become a little random here in the apocalypse... Spring today, Winter tomorrow, Summer the day after that.  But, it is the season traditionally considered Fall, so lets talk about turning that breezy summer wardrobe into something that can survive Fall breezes and the more common nuclear fall out drill conditions.  

1. Scarves!


This is kind of an obvious one, but adapting the Spring and Summer scarf trend into cooler days is a smart way to update last years sweaters and jackets and take advantage of that silky scarfyou bought on impulse in July.  Scarves are, of course, the ultimate survival accessory.  The larger, floatier types that are stylish now double well as blankets, tourniquets, pillows, rope ladders and weapons.  Who could ask for more from an accessory.

2. Red Bags!


The "it" color for that "it" bag this season is siren red.  Red is a perfect, fun, poppy color that can add weight to flimsy summer dresses and give lightness to darker fall colors AND a smart choice for anyone in our apocalyptic age.  Need to flag down a rescue chopper?  Swing that bag.  Need to slip into a disaster zone?  Slap a + on that bag in white tape and suddenly you're a medic.  Need to scare away an alien? They HATE red, wave that bag in their face and off they go.  


3. Tights!


The perfect accessory for turning capris, summer dresses and rompers into the super stars of your fall wardrobe.  Opaque tights are going to be everywhere this fall, and not just because they keep your legs warm in those October cold snaps. 




Protecting your legs from cold is great, but there's so much more to protect those delicate stems from these days.  Toxic waste... Zombies... killer plant life... you name it, a good pair of tights will keep you safe from it. AND they'll make you're legs look smokin' hot.  






Downside?  We just don't see one.


Enjoy that Fall shopping kids!

Halloween is on it's way, protect your BRAINS! - Miss Famine

Oh I know what you're saying. "Miss Famine, what's with the melodrama? We protect our brains all the time!"

But with Halloween upon us, you know the ghouls, ghosts, vamps, were-beings, zombies and circus-folk will be out and about en masse, and you know how excited they get around this time of year.

So why not pick yourself up some cute decorations whilst protecting your adorable little brains.

And if you don't know about Etsy.com by this point, well you cute little cave-dweller, consider yourself schooled.

I was brainstorming (HA! Brains...) over this little mug o'java and I came across the Etsy Halloween Goods Feature. GAH! TWEEK! Excitement! Click...buy...click...buy...

I ordered this Zombie versus Mummy Checkerboard to bring to the party at Miss Death's house (sure to be an extravaganza). Then, I ordered another Glass Jar with an Eyeball (God knows why, I've got plenty.)

After placing these orders, I needed a stiff drink. So I placed another order for these fantabulous stemless (HA AGAIN!) Skeleton Hand Wine Glasses. (Get it? Stemless? No arms?) and then I bought another VooDoo Doll (above) because I'm sick of that bitch at Trader Joe's giving me the stink eye when I bring 13 items to the 12 item line at the checkout.

And lastly, for your enjoyment, I like dis bunny. His name is "Bandito."

So start stocking up now for what promises to be a lovely Halloween, you little brain-suckers!

Apocalypse at the Movies - Miss War

Okay, so we ALL love a good apocalypse.  We Horswomen can't really blame Hollywood for being a little obsessed right now.  But, we CAN blame them for portraying the apocalypse poorly.  I had a weekend full of apocalyptic movies and I'm more than a little disappointed in the effort.

9 is at least pretty, which is about the least we could expect from a movie sheparded by Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov.  But, despite frequent Burton collaborator screenwriter Pam Pettler at least donating some decent dialogue, the story never makes it past feeling a very pretty puzzle game with ocassional dialogue scenes tossed in to explain the next puzzle or action sequence.

The movie is only 79 minutes long, and it really could have used that extra 10 minutes of character development and plotting to make the traditional 90 minute minimum for a movie.  Oh, and if they ever wanted to say explain how their mystical solution to the end of life on earth actually works, that would have been cool too.

It's really too bad that 9 turned out to be a plot fail, because the concept of a vintage apocalypse movie is awesome (this movie seems to posit that their apocalypse began sometime after World War II).  Visually, the animation of 9 is beautiful too.  A mix of intensely detailed, near three-d digital for the characters and water color like backgrounds plays with the best of both digital and hand drawn animation styles. 

While 9 isn't painful, it's certainly nothing terribly exciting.  It gets one partially severed thumbs up.  If you're joning for Burton or Bekmambetov, check out Beetlejuice or Night Watch.

If you MUST go to the theater to see your apocalypse, then do yourself a favor and sit through the inoffensively confusing 9.  Skip Gamer.  The fact that this movie has a 25% fresh rating on www.rottentomatoes.com is mildly alarming - the fact that are actually a few reviewers who think this movie has something deep to say is not the kind of sign of the apocalypse we Horsewomen can be proud of.  Either those producers got a special decoder ring that I missed, or they're suffering from a little end of the world madness induced by Gerard's pecs and a large number of needlessly bared breasts that dominate the movie.

Gamer is confusing, confused and barely qualifies as a real movie.  It makes the Horsewomen a little embarrassed to be a part of the film industry, frankly.  And all that's before Michael C Hall starts his dance routine.  Yes, you read that right.  No, it's not worth seeing the movie just to see his magnificent weirdness.  Save yourself a headache and just buy Dexter.  This is two emphatically severed thumbs down.

These movies are equally well cast and equally plot poor.  The apocalypse is no excuse for shoddy plotting. Who told Hollywood that 90's computer games could be strung together and made into movies?  Hollywood, take it from me, they lied.

Yeah, we Thought the Sky Was Falling Too - Miss Conquest

It was 5:30 on a dreary Friday afternoon in Los Angeles.  The Horsewomen were contemplating the weekend plans.  Fire. Brimstone. Zombie beheading.  The usual. 

Then the walls shook.  The air buzzed.  Famine's giant rat named George growled low in his throat. 

I was SURE it was a sign of the apocalypse.  The sky was falling.  It had to be.  Best. Disaster. Ever.

But NO.  It was just NASA being the noisiest neighbor ever. 

A little bad weather in Florida and they have to land the Discovery in California and get my hopes up.  No falling sky.  No asteroids.  Not even a decent atomic blast.

Tragic. 

The shuttle, on the other hand, is now safe and sound on terra firma.  They really should discuss this with the aliens, their invasions never cause this much of a ruckus.