The Rename the iTampon Game - Miss Conquest

Let's face it.  We've stopped counting Apple Announcements as signs of the apocalypse.  They happen every few months and the world never ends as a result, no matter how much we want it to. (Remember when we all thought The Beatles were coming to iTunes? Dirty dirty lies!)

So this week, you may have been hiding in your bomb shelter and missed the "revolutionary" announcement of the new Apple Tablet.  Oh wait.  I'm sorry.  That's NOT the well thought out, aptly descriptive name.

It's the iPad.

Now. I won't spend this entire post making feminine product jokes.  I will instead let this now-ubiquitous 2005 Mad TV sketch do the talking for me.

But I think we're all in agreement that the spanking new iPad is in a little bit of a marketing (if not product development) fail zone right now.  So I would like to propose a few alternative names for this sparkly new toy:

iCantmultitask.  Disappointment in a box.

iKilljournalists.  What be this "newspaper" thingy you speak of?

iSavenot.  The Moleskine Journal company rejoices!  Pens and Paper everywhere do a happy dance!

iSlate.  No joke.  This is really just what it should have been called.

iTab.  Or this.  (See how easy this is?)

iWin! Until the Kindle can go online, at least.

iMaxi.  Get it? Get it? Sounds like iMac...

iHeavyFlow.  Because I'm a liar and have the maturity of an 11-year-old boy.

So what do YOU think it should have been named?  I'm sure between the six of us we can come up with something far more catchy.  And then we'll petition Apple to change it... and take over the world...

Muahahahahahahahahhaa

Killing Zombies? There's An App For That. - Miss Conquest

I finally did it. And yes, I’m a little bit proud.  And yes, you can call me a sell out or a marketing junky -- falling for catchy jingles, sleek exteriors, and bright and shiny images.  But in these dangerous times you’ve gotta stay connected and my old, non-trusty Blackberry just wasn’t cutting it anymore.  I NEEDED something new.  Something reliable and survival-ready.

And that's when I wondered... Say I'm living in a horrible post-apocalyptic, alien-invaded, zombie-infested, new-ice-age world and I want to...you know...NOT die.

Yeah. There’s an app for that.

This week I hopped on over to the good old Apple Store and picked me up a new fangled iPhone!  And I was incredibly pleased to find that this latest iPhone is all about safety safety SAFETY.

Sure, it’s got the basics:  Internet, emails, and text messages.  No more missing important warnings like, “Do NOT take 3rd Street.  PETA Zombies are protesting non-organic, corn-fed brains!” (Now there are 2 hours I'll never get back.  Totally missed my double date with Miss Death and one of Grimmy’s friends – and he was cute too! Had all of his appendages and everything.)

And as expected, the iPhone has GoogleMaps and a compass so you can still find your way back to your hovel even when all of the landmarks have been blown up.

And there are a number of calendar options to keep track of your life (shopping with Miss Death on Tuesday, apocalyptic movie screening with War on Thursday, and Miss Conquest’s The Beatles: Rock Band Party on Saturday).  


Sure it’s got those.  Blackberries have those too.
 

But what Blackberries DON’T have are THESE lifesaving applications: 

BUMP – Share data with other iPhone users on the run just by holding two phones together, Vulcan Mind-Meld style.  Just be careful whom you’re melding with.  Leprosy is no picnic, folks.

URBAN SPOON – Because when your favorite deli has been raided by ROUS’s, you need to find a non-infested one right away!

HEY WHERE ARE YOU? – Never again wonder where your loved ones are after “The Big One” or the latest "Sharks-With-Legs" attack.  “Hey Where Are You?” links all of your hiding locations and safe houses together.  Beacon-tastic.

LIGHTSABER –  Obama’s got one.  Why don’t you?

TWEET DECK – Because when you overhear that someone’s going to drop a bomb (literally) you’ve gotta get the word out, STAT.



And it gets even better…

ZOMBIE ATTACK! – I’ve never seen such a realistic and useful zombie-killing simulator. Save trapped civilians from advancing zombies.  How many times have we all found ourselves in THAT situation??  It’s the perfect training app.

ZOMBIE WEATHERMAN –He doesn’t just tell you the hot and cold of it all, he tells you when it’s going to rain blood, what days will be nuclear-fallout days, and when the sun is going to explode. Better dress accordingly.

ZOMBIE NOMBIE – A teeny little zombie man for you to mess with.  Ah, pent up apocalyptic aggression.  Gone and GONE.

ZOMBIE vs. SHEEP – I haven’t even used this app yet, but it has the best title EVER.   My money’s on the sheep!

iDRACULA – Another training simulation game.  Practice makes perfect, people!  You think Buffy was just BORN an ace Slayer?? Well…ok.

APOCALYPSE ZOMBIE FISH – Other than tying Zombie vs. Sheep for the best title ever, this app features “Zombie fish” and pipe bombs.  Eventually you get to “Zombie Sharks.”  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.


So help a newbie out.  What are some of your favorite survival apps, readers?   Tell me what should I download NEXT? 

No Beatles in your Apples! – Miss Conquest

During these turbulent times we often find ourselves looking forward with great anticipation and hope to unmistakable signs marking our coming Apocalypse.  And we wait.  And we wait.

And we wait.

But the status stays quo.

And the quo blows.

Today we were looking for some telltale apocalyptic signs hidden in the latest Apple conference announcing all of their new goodies.  But we found none.  No world-altering shifts at all.

Just some lower prices on iPods. You can now record video on your Nano. Your iPod Shuffle will now talk to you (well, ok.  Electronics talking back to you IS a sign of the apocalypse so… yay for AIs!).  iTunes now has iTunes LP with newfangled and “cleaner” features – video, liner notes, lyrics, etc.

What was NOT announced – not one tiny little peep, singing guitar note, nor harmonized bulletin – was the release of the Beatles catalogue on iTunes.  Not. Gonna. Happen (today, at least). 

It seems Apple and EMI still have yet to reach an agreement, so the Beatles music you all know and love will remain firmly on “compact discs” (you remember those, right?) until further notice. 

So there you go.  After all of that suspense, we will NOT be experiencing the 12^th Sign of the Apocalypse today.

Sigh. 

I guess I’ll just go get my The Beatles: Rock Band and practice so I can kick Death’s skinny little ass at Famine’s party on Saturday.

Oh the little things.

Miss Conquest

Feelin' Nine-y - 4HW

Nothin' says "marketing ploy" like a day with all the same numbers.  Today may not be a Saturday like 07/07/07 (raise your hand if this is your slightly cliche wedding anniversary!), but there is CHANGE in the air.  Apocalyptic Change.  We can FEEL it.

Things to look for today: 

• Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov release Shane Acker's kick-ass looking apoca-mation "9." (Miss War already has her tickets -- look for a review coming to an apocalyptic blog near you!) 

• Rock Band releases their newest and most anticipated version of the game ever -- The Beatles: Rock Band.  (Miss Famine is planning her very FIRST Rock Band party thanks to this!)
  

• APPLE is making some huge and mysterious announcements about new products, that may or may NOT include the Beatles catalog coming to iTunes (Sir Paul McCartney says it ain't so, but we won't know until the official announcements at 10am PST).  Check back soon for Miss Conquest's run down on all the new goodies! 
  

So go out and celebrate this entirely made up holiday (nine beers maybe? nine shots of whiskey? we're not here to judge) and come back soon and often for all of the up-to-the-minute-9-news -- Apocalyptic style, of course. 

This message has been brought to you by the Number 9.

-4HW