Apocalyptic Website of the Week: There, I Fixed It! - Miss Famine

We’ve had many signs of the Apocalypse lately.  There are lots of terrible and horrible things that we need to warn you about - things that are trying their darndest to usher in the End of Days.  So many things in fact, that we’ve been neglecting our OTHER duties – helping you, teaching you, guiding you through this crazy apocalyptic wave.  (It’s right there in the title, folks!)

That’s why I’d like to bring this FANTASTIC WEBSITE to your attention today. Our resources are sometimes limited here in Armageddon, and because of that, we sometimes have to get a little MacGyver-y. (NOT the same as getting Maverick-y, FYI.)  And this website has it all. Helpful tips with a hilarious edge.  Fix your problems AND laugh them off at the same time!


Thereifixedit.com is practically a how-to guide for household problems.  What DO you do when you just can’t find a wrench to save your life? (No. Seriously.  Save your life.  The other day my faucet started leaking… but it wasn’t just water… there were blood-sucking alien leeches IN the water… I needed a wrench. STAT.).

So just HOW does Thereifixedit.com solve all of your pesky problems....?

Say I used everything - including the kitchen sink - to barricade my hovel during a zombie attack.  Now what in Hades do I use for a sink?!?!

 Oh. That.

I’m having a party, but last week I used my silver bottle opener to take out a frisky werewolf.  Now how do I serve drinks?

Genius!

I need to make a quick getaway from a tidal wave that’s about to wash away my hovel… But as luck would have it, I have a flat tire!!! WHAT DO I DO!?!

Luckily, there are children near by playing in a park. And I have no moral qualms about stealing toys from children at all whatsoever.

My kids are all crazy messed up in the future and I need to get use the Time Machine ASAP to stop them from effing everything up (even though this premise makes no sense in terms of urgency or stakes), but the Zombies stole all of my Plutonium!!!  How the heck do I make my Time Machine fly??

“Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t NEED roads…”  Just corn.

And those are just a few of the handy tips from thereifixedit.com. This site is like the Bob Villa of the Apocalypse! Visit today!



*All photos are from the super handy, and super hilarious thereifixedit.com blog. 

Know Your Place on the Menu - Miss Famine

I am STUFFED.  The girls and I had a flawless Thanksgiving this year. (Only two zombie attacks and only one smoke detector incident.  Death is officially banned from the kitchen.)  We were all a little anxious leading up to the big event -- would Thanksgiving still be the same in the Apocalypse?  Would friends and family still gather and shovel food into their faces until they couldn't breath?  Would that weird uncle still be super awkward? Would the turkey rise from the dead as Zombie turkey?!

Yes! Yes! And sort of. (No worries. Zombie Turkeys are just as easy to cook and just as tasty as regular turkeys.  Just bite them before they bite you.)

I was so relieved that all of the the tradition is still firmly in tact, and we're now gearing up for a very merry Holiday season.  The girls and I even went shopping early on Black Friday.  It's so much less scary when you come prepared with your pretty machetes and pearl handled revolvers.  Competitive shoppers just leap out of your way.

But now that that's over, we're facing the scariest of all post-Thanksgiving traditions... LEFTOVERS.  Leftovers have always been a little risky -- How long does this all last? The green beans are moving, should I stop eating? Is the stuffing ok if it's congealed, white, and fuzzy? How many pieces of pie is too many to eat in one sitting?  (The answer is 7.  Just trust me.)

And ever since that apocalypse hit, we've had even more to worry about, like...when do WE become the leftovers?

Oh. That's when.

Happy Zombgiving, Everyone!

Miss Famine

Apocalyptic Halloween Costumes - Miss Famine

Halloween is only one day away.  The girls and I are all set for our annual killer Halloween Party, but some of our friends have recently said they have NO idea what they should be this year.  Well, here are a few Apocalypse themed costumes, sure to be an icebreaker in any crowd.

The Obvious Costume: 2012

EITHER dress as Roland Emmerich (good luck), OR go as a Mayan running around with a calendar or blackberry. Time’s up!

The Timely Costume: SWINE FLU

Simple but effective.  Throw on a pig mask, or even a pig NOSE will do, and stick a thermometer in any of your favorite crevices. You’ll have a feverishly good time.

The Group Costume: DEAD CELEBRITIES

While you might fight over who gets to don a red leather jacket and single sparkly white glove, you’ll ALL have fun dressing as Farrah, Walter, Billy, and the slew of other celebrities that checked out this summer, making the rest of us think that the end is near.

The Couple Costume:  ANGEL AND DEVIL

Classic. Timeless. One can never go wrong with the good old Revelations costume.  Battle as Good and Evil all night, and as an extra game, see how many souls each of you can gather throughout your party.  Most names at the end wins!

The Abstract Costume:  SWISS SUPERCOLLIDER

Wear all black except for a strategically placed Swiss flag.  Hand out chocolate donut holes all night.  People may not know what you are, but they’ll sure love that you brought treats!

The Brainless Costume:  ZOMBIE

Duh.  Maybe go with someone dressed as the Swine Flu.  Be the Before and After.

The Ladies Brainless Costume:  SEXY ZOMBIE

Less cleaver.  More cleavage.

Homeless Where the Heart is - Miss Famine

There's a wee bit of controversy surrounding the American Girl company these days.

Meet their newest doll.  

Her name is Gwen.  And she's homeless. 

So American Girl wants to be inclusive and "teach kids."  They want to open young girls' eyes to all walks of life.  (Never mind that Gwen is really just a bleeding heart accessory for the REAL protagonist of the story: CHRISSA. Chrissa??? Really? Did we run out of REAL names, American Girl?)  


That's all well and good but the rest of the world seems to think that the American Girl company is missing the big picture here.  They've built an empire on creating various dolls that every little girl can look at and say, "Hey! She's JUST like me!"  (Forget that my girlhood doll was Kirsten, the Swedish immigrant doll, who was NOTHING like me.  Because you know, she's from Sweden.  And I'm from the bowels of Hell.)


But with Gwen, they seem to be missing the mark.  It's not that there aren't a tragically high number of homeless little girls in this country who might see something of themselves in Gwen.  Or that they don't deserve a doll of their own.  It's that this little homeless doll costs $95.

$95!!!!

The real victim of this scandal is none other than Little Miss Gwen herself, a helpless pawn in a horrible battle between the capitalistic company and shocked critics.  Poor Gwen doesn't ask much of us.  Where Chrissa needs a party table, warm up suit, swim gear, pajamas, snow gear, and a pet llama, all Gwen needs is your friendship.  And maybe a home cooked meal.

So that's why I'd like to take a moment to name Gwen an Honorary Horsewoman of the Apocalypse. Not only is she a survivor, but like all good Horsewomen, she survives with impeccable style.  Look at her cute and easy-breezy sundress. And her adorable flip flops. She's the epitome of California-Cool.  AND she's resourceful -- that pink belt doubles as a headband! (And a weapon if necessary.)  Just cause girlfriend doesn't have a hovel doesn't mean she doesn't have class.  In fact, she seems WAY classier than that greedy Chrissa.  Chrissa wouldn't stand a chance in a nuclear winter if you took away her "snow gear."  But ten bucks (or maybe 95) says Gwen would.  Would Chrissa be willing to slaughter that cute little llama when she ran out of food?  Gwen would.  Bet she would even know how to slice it open and huddle inside for warmth.  In the words of Beyonce, Gwen's a survivor!  And that's why we think she's cool.

All this American Girl Power talk brings me to my latest and greatest idea.  I, Miss Famine, would like to petition the American Girl Doll company imploring them to create a doll that yours truly can identify with: Apocalypse Girl.  She'd have some kick-ass survival accessories: A machete, automatic rifle, flares, stakes, a sub-zero parka. And she'd have a pet zombie.  That she trained to play fetch.  I would love my Apocalypse Girl and play with her every day, dressing her up for different occasions (and extreme weather conditions).  

And she would come with a book that tells HER story.  Like Kirsten, who lost many loved ones to cholera, we'd learn that Apocalypse Girl lost almost everyone in the barrage of asteroid showers, zombie attacks, disease, nuclear war, and/or other horrors that brought about the End of Times.  We'd learn how she prevailed and survived Doomsday to become one the most revered heroines of her time.  It would be a tale of tragedy and triumph.  I would laugh.  I would cry.  And then I would go back to playing with her accessories (because they're the best part).

Readers, I kindly ask you to sign my petition by commenting below, and maybe soon Apocalypse Girl will be make her debut in an American Girl store near you!!

Best Calendar EVER - Miss Famine

I've found my 2010 calendar readers, and I'm so excited about it I'm practically dancing around the hovel.  Not ONLY does this calendar celebrate truly Harbinger worthy cahones, it's for a good cause AND...

It's full of naked old people.

That's right, my next calendar is going to be "Pin-Up Boys of Atlantic Shores" a pin up calendar featuring 69-60 year old NAKED DUDES which supports the Virginia Beach rescue squad.  

Cheers to you gentlemen, for truly outstanding attitudes in the face of the current apocalyptic lack of funding for, well, anything important. 

Avast, ye!! Here, There Be Rum! - Miss Famine

Ahoy! And welcome aboard, maties!  Grab ye bottle o' rum, batten down the hatches and prepare to swash swash buckle buckle, else you'll be a son of a biscuit eater and forced to walk the bloody plank! 

No, I haven't had a stroke.

It's INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY!!!

ITLAP Day is this Horsewoman's favorite holiday, second only to Halloween (and sometimes Arbor Day), and I cannot wait to celebrate tonight at my anual "Barrel o' Rum & Then Some!" Pirate Party.

Pirates have always been a friend of the Horsewomen.  It's not surprising, really.  For hunreds of years we've all been a bunch of really bad eggs together.  Like Horsewomen, Pirates are awesome harbingers of evil and chaos AND they enjoy a good party and a really strong drink!  In fact, in the great Cosmic Evil e-Dating Site of Evil, some of our best matches are Pirates -- Blackbeard, Captain Kidd, Captain Morgan, Jack Sparrow... And Anne Bonny is one of our favorite shopping partners! (Girl has an eye for boots that's been unmatched for more than 300 years.)   

Because we can't plunder and pillage ALL the time, tonight we're taking a little breather and living it up, Davy Jones Locker style.  Every year the girls and I chose a theme for the party that extends beyond just any old pirates.  One year we did a "Barbary Coast" theme and served Moroccan food.  Last year we did a Peter Pan theme and everyone came dressed as different characters and we decorated with clocks and crocodiles.

This year the theme is Island Rum Running!

The Deal: Other than dressing like a Caribbean Pirate, everyone brings their favorite rum drink mixer.  I will hide three bottles of rum around the hovel.  If you find it, it's YOURS!

The Decorations: Full blown tropical island.  Palm trees.  Tiki torches and bar.  Sand pit.

The Food: Macadamia Nut-Crusted Chicken with Honey-Mustard Dip.  Pineapple Upside Down Cake.  Rum infused Fruit.

The Drink:  RUUUUMMMMM!!!!! (And something else...IF you're a lightweight.)

The Music:  A mix of Pirate movie soundtracks (Pirates of the Caribbean - The Curse of the Black Pearl, The Black Swan, Treasure Island... Muppet Treasure Island...), Sea Shanties.

The Games: Poker, Black Jack, and a Treasure Hunt! (Scavanger hunt for gold coins of the chocolate variety.)


So come on all you landlubbers! Weigh anchor and hoist the mizzen and set sail for Captain Famine's Humble Hovel, where the rum flows free and the wenches are friendly, and not a single scallywag goes home until we're all three sheets to the wind!

Savvy?

Feelin' Nine-y - 4HW

Nothin' says "marketing ploy" like a day with all the same numbers.  Today may not be a Saturday like 07/07/07 (raise your hand if this is your slightly cliche wedding anniversary!), but there is CHANGE in the air.  Apocalyptic Change.  We can FEEL it.

Things to look for today: 

• Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov release Shane Acker's kick-ass looking apoca-mation "9." (Miss War already has her tickets -- look for a review coming to an apocalyptic blog near you!) 

• Rock Band releases their newest and most anticipated version of the game ever -- The Beatles: Rock Band.  (Miss Famine is planning her very FIRST Rock Band party thanks to this!)
  

• APPLE is making some huge and mysterious announcements about new products, that may or may NOT include the Beatles catalog coming to iTunes (Sir Paul McCartney says it ain't so, but we won't know until the official announcements at 10am PST).  Check back soon for Miss Conquest's run down on all the new goodies! 
  

So go out and celebrate this entirely made up holiday (nine beers maybe? nine shots of whiskey? we're not here to judge) and come back soon and often for all of the up-to-the-minute-9-news -- Apocalyptic style, of course. 

This message has been brought to you by the Number 9.

-4HW

Best New Pet - Miss Famine

It can get lonely, being stuck in your hovel during those mega electrical storms that are so common these days.  That's why everyone needs a pet.  Of course, a nice dog is a plus, and is always a useful survival tool here in the apocalypse (we all know that the dog always survives, it's a rule), but I do enjoy having more exotic pets around.


That's why I was so excited to find this little beauty wandering my neighborhood:

Of course, he needed quite a bath, and something to take care of the fleas, and I'm sure I'll need a lot of this... but he's just the sweetest thing! He's had a long trip from the rain forests of Papua New Guinea, and I'm so glad he made the trip.  He's far snugglier than his smaller, New York sewer loving cousins (and not just because most of them are radioactive now).   His species is technically called Bosavi Wolly Rats, but I call him George!  

I've had so much fun building him a new home. Of course, I needed about seventeen of those to make a house big enough for George! Now he's happily defending my kitchen garden, and keeping me company. Go snuggle your own pet in George's honor, they deserve it!

Pepsi, You're Doing the Apocalypse RIGHT, Miss Famine

There's no question, the apocalyptic beverage of choice today MUST be Pepsi Cola.  They are the only beverage company in the world that has gone out of it's way to include one of the great, biblical plagues in their popular soda drink.

What better way to make all of our Labor Day bar-b-que's more festive than to add a little bit of toad to our favorite icy refreshment.  Thanks Pepsi, for helping us usher the apocalypse in right!

Miss Famine: Dining at the End of the World

Phew. After my killer breakfast this morning I had to take a nice long hangover nap. But I’m all refreshed now, which is good because I have less than 3 hours to prep for my dinner party tonight! Dinner parties during these apocalyptic times aren’t much different than they used to be. There’s still the same pressure to serve a delicious meal and make sure your guests have an entertaining and unforgettable time!

First, I go to work on the menu. My thoughts drift back to happier, less doom and gloomy times when I could serve up a lovely poached salmon or a nice Duck Breast with Frisée Salad and Port Vinaigrette. But I quickly shake them off. Mustn’t live in the past! I’ve been scavenging the “markets” with End Of Daisy all week looking for something to make tonight’s party a little extra special. I couldn't just serve the usual Spam and Tang combo. No, this time I found THE perfect non-perishable to serve: Tac Bac – Tactical Canned Bacon! This stuff will get you through the best of times AND the worst of times.

Now that I’ve opened the bacon and set it out to “breath,” I go about setting the table. I cannot WAIT to use these amazing place settings I found while pillaging what’s left of the local Crate and Barrel. Most of

the porcelain dishes and glassware didn’t survive “The Big One,” but this pewter set is nice and solid. Also makes for great anti-zombie ammunition.

My wine rack is empty thanks to a very successful Thirsty Thursday (hence the hangover), so I’m going to have to run out and grab a few bottles. But first I’ll visit our good friend, Robert Sharker for his advice about what wine goes best with Tac Bac.

I switch out all my day-to-day candles for the "fancy candles" (Electricity what? Not since the Waveries arrived) and then select my dinner music. Some classic Duran Duran, the soundtrack to THE ROAD, and some Nick Cave, will set tonight’s mood. I have some dancing music on standby in case Conquest and War are feeling groovy later – apocalyptic funk, Sinatra and Madonna, because those never die. I hope their dates like to dance, because I’m afraid Miss Death is bringing Mr. Grim Reaper, and he’s a total buzz kill when it comes to dancing. He’s all left feet, tripping on his robe, knocking people around with his scythe…

I haven’t really prepped any party games, but I can trust the Girls to bring those up naturally. (“Never have I ever… beheaded a guy instead of breaking up with him. Ahem. DRINK

Conquest!)

Overall, I think this is going to be a successful dinner party! I even have some back up dishes incase some other friends decide to stop by. I have fresh monkey brains for the zombies and steak tartar for the vamps – and a brand new recipe for delicious Blood Fudge for dessert!

I can’t wait!

"The Apocalypse is nature’s way of saying, 'Let’s Party!'"

Miss Famine

Miss Famine: Apocalyptic Cocktails - Breakfast Cocktails? Why not!

It's the end of the world, and we Horsewomen are having the party that ended it all. When the party never really ends, one needs a creative approach to the morning after. Traditional hangover food just isn't festive enough for we Harbingers of Doom, but we've found something with JUST enough style for us:

That's right, a full English breakfast cocktail. Fried. And served in bacon.

Apocatastic.

Miss Famine: Safety First!!!

Dear Readers,

Today a very astute and safety-minded friend brought to my attention this incredibly useful ZOMBIE EMERGENCY KIT (pictured below).


Now, I don't know how this slipped by the girls and me, but this is too important to ignore. After all, after "party," "fun," and "fashion," THE key word of the Apocalypse is "SAFETY." We all know about fire safety, and earthquake kits to store in your car, and bunkers for BOTH tornadoes and nuclear fall out. But now it's time to step it up. I'm making it my personal mission to get one or more of these Zombie Emergency Kits installed in every home and public building. Can you imagine sending your children to school without knowing that they're properly protected from an invading zombie army? Never! What if you're minding your business in your own hovel when a zombie breaks into your kitchen and steals your pot roast AND tries to eat your brains? Then what?

Don't be vulnerable for one more minute! Visit our brand-spanking-new Facebook page (yeah, you read that right) to sign our petition to make it mandatory to have one of these puppies in every building.


Home is where the blood red, beating organs lie,
Miss Famine

Miss Famine: New Party Game -- Choose Your Own Apocalypse!

Miss Famine here. Ah, Mondays. It’s so hard to get going after the weekend isn’t it? And particularly after a weekend of hosting. I had the girls over on Saturday for a good old-fashioned dinner party at the hovel (more on the menu later). After dinner we settled in for some party games and we realized we were a bit tired of the usual – we’ve gone through all of the Apples to Rotten Apples cards, Charades gets old when Miss War chooses the SAME thing to act out every single time (sounds like: “Rapocalypse Cow”), and Conquest is constantly cheating at Hearts. And then End of Daisy stopped by and she has well…she has some losing…issues. So we tried to find a fresh, non-competition based game to play, and after some time on the Google, we discovered this amazing and glorious new website:

Choose Your Own Apocalypse!

Now I swear to you, we are not affiliated with this website at all, but boy did we play this game for HOURS. I felt like a little kid again reading a Choose Your Own Adventure book, but it was like this website was tapping into everything I am thinking right now! You just choose five possible causes for the Apocalypse (it’s fun to play make believe even though we already know what REALLY caused the end of days), and then the site tells you what kind of Apocalypse stems from those causes. The results were very telling as well!

For example I chose: Swine Flu, bottled water, obesity, pesticides, and antibiotic resistance, and apparently I’m a bloodthirsty misanthrope! Who knew!?

Miss War went in a much more…technological direction and chose: Media Piracy, The Matrix, Neo-Humans, Geoengineering, and something called a …Supercolider? And she’s a humanitarian internationalist! Ironically, in Miss War’s apocalypse…humans have a higher likelihood of surviving than in mine. I scoff at that.

Then Death went all “fire and brimstone” on us with natural disasters (except for “diet” of course) like: Floods, rising sea levels, hurricanes, ice age, and diets. She’s a Gaia-hating doomsayer.

Conquest decided she needed to expand her rolodex and wanted to meet something new and exciting so she chose: Alien invasion, modified organisms, space debris, and alien species and she was named a fretful doomsayer. Well, she is.

And to nobody’s surprise, Daisy chose: The Rapture, Isolation of Elites, Geographical Sorting, Wealth Gap, and Texas Succession and was too crowned a humanitarian internationalist.

All in all, this game is hands down our new fave. A barrel of fun, say the Four Horsewomen! Give it a try! But it’s addictive. Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

Miss Famine - Brightening Up the Hovel Part Two

Welcome back friends! I've been carefully allowing my perfectly even coats of paint to dry on my little hovel brightening project for several days now. Usually paint only takes 24 to 48 hours to dry completely, but we had a little giant blood sucking cockroach problem that we needed to take care of. I'll tell you, there is nothing like gassing a few thousand two foot high roaches to put your problems in perspective. Besides, I find bio hazard suits slimming.

But that is rather beside the point.

Once the newly painted piece of furniture is fully dry, its ready to be reassembled. As long as you're sure to replace hinges, latches and handles in the same pre-drilled holes you removed them from, you'll be sure everything is properly aligned. Just to be extra sure that you're not replacing anything in a crooked fashion, screw all of your parts in loosely first, then tighten each screw so that you can be sure they are all square to each other.

I did, and just LOOK how beautifully it turned out:




Next time on Brightening the Hovel -- creating your own kitchen garden. So useful now that the local farmers market is run by the Umbrella Corporation!

Miss Famine: Brightening up the Hovel, Part One

Miss Famine here. Living in a hovel at the end of the world seems like it would be quite depressing, but really, it's just another opportunity to exercise ones creativity. So Ikea got totally infested with zombie's last month. So what? That doesn't mean a civilized person can't have a lovely home. I started out this particular project by pillaging the burned out apartment building across the street. We all need to recycle in this, our hour of need.

Take a look at what I found:



A bit rough around the edges, and little love it will be ADORABLE!

So, I took a little walk, okay a four mile walk, but its the apocalypse people, sometimes even a lady has to hoof it, down to my local hardware store. In between the gas masks and the machetes (we'll talk about how to make an adorable home made zombie killing machine soon, it's SO much fun) I found the paint department and had them mix up a pretty pale yellow.

Then, I used a simple phillips-head screw driver (yes, the one with the X shaped head, an innovation dreamed up by Henry F. Phillips) and removed the handles, hinges and everything else that didn't need a good coat of paint.

I applied one coat:




Then two more, just to make sure the paint is sold and even:



Drying time is extremely important. If you don't let your beautiful paint job get chipped, or, heaven forbid, get paint on your jeans, cuz, there are only so many perfect pairs of jeans in this Apocalypse.

Come back tomorrow for Brightening up the Hovel, Part Two - Reassembly!