Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Fall Fashion Guide: Boots Kick Some Serious Apocalypitc Ass! - Miss Death

Fall has arrived!

The calendar and weather may disagree (LA is quite literally burning at the moment), but according to my local Starbucks, the leaves are turning and the fruit is falling off the trees (read, the world is dying), and Miss Death can get herself the tastiest treat of all -- a non-fat, sugar free Pumpkin Spice Latte!

Autumn is my favorite time of the Apocalypse for so many reasons: 1.) In no other season does the world so slowly and beautifully DIE.  2.) Fall TV is back with my favorite superhero of all -- TIM GUNN!!!  What would I do without you, Project Runway, my love?  3.) All the little children head back to school and stay far away from me. (They're so annoying with their incessant, nattering questions -- "Miss Death, what happens when we die?  Where do we go?  Do dogs go to heaven? How about hamsters?"  I don't know!  I just usher it in! After that, you're on your own, kids.  Follow the light and all that nonsense.)

And last but not least... the number one reason that this season fills my not-so-beating-heart with joy: FALL FASHIONS!

Oh, the colorful plaid. The cozy sweater coats and snug little blazers.  The warm wool and corduroy.  The textured tights...

...and the BOOTS!

No day compares to that first crisp day of Fall when I can open my closet door and say, "Not today, Havianas.  Today you stay home.  Frye and I are going out on the town!"

So maybe I have a boot fetish.  Is that so wrong?  They make my shinbones look so slender and sexy!

And in this dangerous apocalyptic world boots aren't just a fashion statement.  They're a necessity.

This season's hottest trends won't only save your outfits... they can SAVE YOUR LIFE!

TREND: Zippers and chains.    
When you'll need them:  A zombie has half a mind to dive at you and sample some of your delicious brains.  Just reach down and grab hold of the perfect weapon with which to clobber him over the head or lock him up.

TREND: Spiked stilettos.    
When you'll need them:  You're taking a quiet walk in a lovely graveyard with your dearly beloved when a vampire pops up and surprises you.  One swift kick to the heart will dust him in no time!

TREND: Platforms.    
When you'll need them:  It's Saturday night and you're heading over to a friend's hovel for a cocktail party, but you have to wade through a river of blood first.

TREND: Slouchy boots
When you'll need them:  Slouchy boots have excess material and room -- plenty of space to conceal a dagger, pistol, or stake.

TREND: Animal Prints:    
When you'll need them:  A mutant leopard is stalking towards you.  With these puppies on, he'll think you're one of his own and not chomp your head off.

TREND:  Flat boots.   
When you'll need them:  Running away from ANYTHING.

TREND: Booties   
When you'll need them:  Never.  While these "shoe-boots" are adorable, they rarely come in handy during any life threatening situations.  Only use them when paired with another trend (i.e. booties + chains = gold).

Well there you have it.  Fall at its most divine!  Fashion meets Function in a post-apocalyptic world!

Ta ta and to die for!
Miss Death

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