I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...so...eh, you know the rest.
In today's segment of "No Shit, Sherlock," scientists have determined that humans are bigger assholes than meteorites. According to The Daily Mail, all of our filthy human habits are going to cause a mass extinction of 75% of all life sometime in the next three to twenty centuries.
This is NOT cool people! Are you aware of how long it takes to plan a good End of The World Party?? You are simply not giving us enough time! My to-do list is the length of Charlie Sheen's coke lines!
Save the dates need to go out, caterers need to be booked. Do you know how hard it is to find someone that will cook both humans and FOR humans? The Colosseum needs a good once over with a dust rag and a vacuum (Seriously, their general upkeep is terrible.). We need to make sure R.E.M. is free to play that day (so hard to pin down). The girls and I need to go shopping for the perfect frocks (this IS the most important day of a Horsewoman's life after all), and find the perfect escorts - you can't simply go to The End of the World Bash with just anyone! Quick! What does Clooney's 2311 looks like. Is he booked?
Anyhoo. The Daily Mail is using the ever popular tactic of showing you some adorable animals to convince you to go all superhero and save the world. And gdamn it's effective!
|"Plastic bottles hurt my gentle soul."|
|"Turn off those lights or I'll cry! ...And my mom might rip out your throat. Maybe."|
|Secretly plotting to put human muzzles on us in our sleep. And then cackle at us in the most playful way!|
But let me try a different approach:
I know we're all anxious for the end of the world here, people. No one is more anxious than we are. Trust me. But you can't rush perfection. And believe me, you want this party to be perfect. This is your final sendoff! So if you want to be sure that we've supplied the absolute best wine for this soirée, and that we've booked all the best bands, and that this is the best damn End of Days Party you could never imagine even in your wildest dreams - RECYCLE! Go a little greener, people! Come ON! Would it kill you to buy a freakin electric car? Put up a solar panel or two! If not for the sake of these poor creatures...and you know, 75% of ALL LIFE! then do it just to give a gal a little extra time to plan a party! Is that so much to ask???