Let's Just Ignore That Hiatus - Miss War

When did we last post a blog...let's see here. Jesus Christmas! June 11?? Time flies when it doesn't exist.

Important Updates from Our Hiatus: Same shit, different day. Frankly, there just wasn't much to report. BP killed off the Gulf (which saved us loads of time.) Justin Cronin came out with the Vampire Bible known as "The Passage," and we got tan this summer. Hallefreakinlujah.

The office doors are open and we are hard at work blogging again (can you hear us? Blog bloggity blog blog.) We also just hired a new freelance writer to help us out because the dude levels around this office were running dangerously low.

Meet Martin. He is our new freelance blogger and he is a boy. That pretty much summed up everything that we knew about him until about a week ago. Then things got interesting.

Martin is a bit green. He's wet behind the ears. He's willing, eager and stupid. How he convinced us to let him write for us, I will never know. All I know is that Miss Death has been throwing her clavicle up in his face all week like a cheap zombie trick. Thankfully, the kid can string two sentences together in some semblance of a blog post, so we'll keep him around for now. But I digress.

There's one hell of a zombie virus running amok. Just like flu season, it comes and goes, but this outbreak has been bad. Nearly everyone we're friends with has come down with it. So it goes without saying that our easily excited and not-very-smart freelancer, Martin, got caught with his proverbial pants down one night while jogging through the neighborhood and long story short, the kid's a damn zombie now.

He's doing well considering. Once the projectile bloody vomiting subsided and his orifices stopped leaking and he took a shower, he's fairly back to normal, apart from the whole "becoming a zombie" thing. He's actually getting out more. We suspect he had a date last week with the zombie secretary from the office next door.

But since this whole zombie thing is still new to Martin, the real problems haven't started yet. See, zombie-ism comes with a whole new set of problems if you will. There's the constant oozing, the agonizing pain as your cells die, and the leprosy. Martin will, within a few weeks, literally go to pieces right before our very eyes. Moisturize all you like, Martin. Your skin is still going to fall off.

We did what we thought was best and took a bunch of bets at Martin's expense. We've got a really solid pool going right now on which body part will fall off first. I have $25 on his fingers going first. Miss Death put $40 on his legs. And Miss Famine is just a filthy dirtball.

If he hopes to get anywhere with this secretary, he's going to have to do it fast.

We'll keep you updated on Martin and his zombie shortcomings, and we also solemnly vow to keep blogging! No more hiatus.No more messing around. We are serious, damnit! Blog bloggity blog blog!

Until next time, here's hoping Miss Famine is wrong - for Martin's sake.

The Horsewomen are World Cup bound! Thanks, BP! - Miss Famine

I woke up very early today.  And I am not a morning person.  But today there was a spring in my step as I hopped out of bed, threw on my team's colors, and trotted down to our local pub to watch Mexico take on hosts South Africa in the kick off game of the 2010 FIFA World Cup!   It ended in a tie, but what a game! Mexico scored in the first two minutes!  I hadn't even had a chance to order my breakfast (bangers and mash anyone?) and people were already up and doing victory dances.  God I love soccer.  And I think God loves soccer too.

In general, I'm about as big of a sports fan as I am a morning fan.  Apparently the NBA finals are going on? Someone mentioned something about last night's Lakers/Celtics game.  And all I could think was, Hold a tic.  I thought Ireland didn't make the tournament this year... 

But then my bloody mary arrived and my attention reverted to the sporting event at hand (and the spicy beverage in MY hand).

The girls and I love the World Cup.  We have a countdown to it every four years.  And thank goodness the time difference this year is such that we're not going to repeat the Sleepless Summer of '02.

There's something special about soccer.  Maybe it's the way it unites the world.  Like the Olympics, Round Two.  Maybe it's the obsession passion that the fans have for their teams that leads to monster riots celebrations the world over.  Maybe it's the fact that it's a great excuse to drink during the work day.

 We could learn a thing or two from the Europeans.  Like, NBA finals should be played at 11am. On a Tuesday.

I spent a lot of time pondering why soccer is so awesome this morning.  And finally sometime around my third bloody mary, Miss Conquest reached over and smacked me upside the head. "Stop nattering to yourself, Famine. People are looking at you funny, and it's not because of your scythe.  The players are why we watch soccer. They're hot."

I'm not quite as shallow as Miss Conquest.  I like the intense competition.  The sportsmanship.  The fact that soccer most likely evolved from a sport where players kicked a human head around a field. (All who think they should bring back that tradition, say Ay!  I'm writing a letter to FIFA.)

But she has a point.  Example:  Miss War's favorite team?  France.  Why? Yoann Gourcuff.

 Bordeaux is now officially War's favorite wine AND team.  

 

We all know Miss Conquest is a pure blooded American Girl, so she has no trouble at all cheering for the USofA and its captain, Carlos Bocanegra.

The REAL Captain America

And Miss Death's favorite player?

Surprise. Surprise. 

According to her, the fact that Becks is sidelined with an injury just means he gets to dress better than everybody else. 


We're now in the midst of the Uruguay/France game, which is off to a much slower start than --

WHAT?!  Miss Death just ran into the pub with the most amazing news: 

"BP can't get more tankers to even BEGIN dealing with the oil spill until JULY now!  They've got the Apocalypse COVERED.  Let's take a vacation!!!"

And we're off!!

See ya later, readers!  The girls and I are headed to South Africa!!!

And thanks Oil Industry for making our jobs easy and sponsoring this here Apocalypse!

THE APOCALYPSE

Brought to you by your friends at BP

Learning to Love Life After LOST - Miss War

We're approaching "The End."  And I'm preparing to mourn.  As of this Sunday (11:31pm PST), I will be a regular Queen Victoria.

 They say she was mourning her Prince. I say she was mourning TWIN PEAKS.

But to be honest, I'm already starting to spiral.  I can already feel the harrowing, gaping hole that will be left when...

What? I am NOT over-dramatic! How DARE you!?

Sigh.

Ok. You're right.  I took a sacred vow to help you all survive the Apocalypse.  And it's game time, people.  Because if the end of LOST isn't the end of the World, I don't know what is.  So the last thing I should be doing right now is sobbing silently while curled up in a corner.

I know, I know.  I can hear you all loud and clear:  "Suck it up, War!"  "It's just a flipping TV show!"  "Do your JOB!"

Well stop shouting already!!! I get it. You need your "guidance."  Your "survival tips."  Fine.

Babies.

So here it is.  A list of things to help you survive this horrible, traumatic, painful void you're about to experience.  My advice for defeating LOST Withdrawal,  aka:

Miss War's Helping Hands: Learning to Love Life After LOST.  

(Coming soon to a bookseller near you.)

 "Stage One: preparation. For this you will need: one room which you will not leave; one mattress; tomato soup, ten tins of; mushroom soup, eight tins of, for consumption cold; ice cream, vanilla, one large tub of; Magnesia, Milk of, one bottle; paracetamol; mouth wash; vitamins; mineral water; Lucozade; pornography --"  Wait.  Well, the pornography is optional.

1.) MAD MEN
Matthew Weiner's Emmy-hogging love/hate song to the 60's may not have the maddening island conundrums of LOST, but Don Draper is hands down our new favorite Man of Mystery.  Add in a cast of ridiculously flawed characters, vague and haunting pasts, and a decade that's more explosive than Jughead, and you've got one hell of a water cooler show.  Just fix yourself an Old Fashioned, put on your pillbox hat, and catch up on the first three seasons while patiently (read: anxiously) awaiting Season Four - set to premier on Sunday, July 25 on AMC.

2 oz Burbon
2 dashes of bitters
1 splash of water
1 tsp of superfine sugar (superfine!)
1 maraschino cherry 
1 orange wedge





2.) Reconnect With Your Non-LOST-Lovin' Friends.
You remember them, right?  You may have last talked to them sometime around the summer of 2004, right before you started spouting theories about purgatory and the Hanso Corp.  Well, they miss you.  Take them out to dinner.  Buy them a beer.  Apologize for being insane for the last six years, and then try engaging in conversations about less controversial topics.  Like politics.  And religion.


3.) READ
LOST did not, and does not, exist in a vacuum.  The producers love to "book-bomb" episodes, especially via the nick-name savvy Sawyer, and they've openly discussed their literary influences.  (Steven King's canon, specifically "The Stand" and "The Dark Tower" series are confirmed influences.)  There are even novels that the producers haven't mentioned, but have been sighted and dissected by a bunch of crazy LOST bloggers and critics (ahem, Doc Jensen).

It's no secret. Unlike Most TV shows, Lost desperately wants us to expand our minds.  And there's something here for everyone.  Whether you're looking to further your understanding of physics and the space/time continuum, open your soul to new philosophies, or simply reacquaint yourself with the classics, Lost has a book for you!

Here are just a few suggestions to kick off your summer reading list:

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass - by Lewis Carroll
Both have inspired more episode titles than any other book ("Through the Looking Glass," "White Rabbit"). In "The Lighthouse," Jack's Sideways Son, David, is reading the The Annotated Alice. Also, both books contain themes that are, ahem, mirrored ad nauseam in LOST.

The Brief History of Time - by Steven Hawking
Steven Hawking's attempt to explain Space, Time, and Physics to us non-geniuses. Seen on Ben's bookshelf, and it's a pretty safe bet that Hawking is the namesake of one Ms. Eloise Hawking, Governess of Time and Space.

Haroun and the Sea of Stories - by Salman Rushdie
Variable Desmond is reading this before he mysteriously disappears form Sideways Flight 815. Also, confirmed but reliable crazy man, Doc Jensen, is CONVINCED this book serves as a bedrock for Season 6.

BE HERE NOW - by Ram Dass (aka: Richard Alpert)
Let me try that again. By RICHARD ALPERT.  A book on spirituality and meditation written by Ricardos' namesake.  There are 108 pages in it. One might be so inclined to flip to pages 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.  Oh, and LOOK AT THE COVER.

Of Mice and Men -by John Steinbeck
Oh Sawyer, you quippy, pessimistic, lovable Redneck.  Of COURSE Steinbeck is your favorite author.  Every time you get even remotely close to the American Dream, someone up and yanks it out from under you. It's useless. Will anyone ever let you play house?  For a better and more intimate understanding of your favorite conman, Steinbeck's classic is a must-read.

For a more comprehensive list of Lost Literature, hop on over to Lostpedia.


4.)  TRAVEL
Hey, everybody! Guess what!  There's a whole wide world out there, and it exists OUTSIDE of your TV screen!

So you've spent six years immersed in a fictional world.  Now what?  Where do you start?

Let LOST be your guide!  Start off with a relaxing vacation in Oahu, Hawaii.  You can sunbath on the crash site beach, hike through the Ka'a'awa Valley, then go swimming in the Waimea Falls.

When you've had enough fun in the sun, take a conscience-bending tour of the British Isles and follow in Desmond's time-slipping footsteps.  Start in Desmond's home country of Scotland.  Give Edinburgh and the Highlands a whirl, but come prepared for some "end of the world type weather."  Then take the rail down for a few days in London, home of Widmore Industries.  London is full of life and magic - pay careful attention to street performers. You never know when you're going to stumble across a has-been rock star doing a cover of Oasis' "Wonderwall."  Finally, rush over to Oxford for some highbrow discussions about space/time.  And rats.

If you're feeling REALLY brave, jet off to the Outback itself. Sydney is only the beginning of your Australian adventure.  Gear up for a traditional Walkabout. Then hit the beach for some serious surfing (watch out for Dharma sharks), and finally take a tour of some traditional Australian farms.  Whatever you do, do not return to Los Angeles via any flight with a number that contains 8, 1, or 5.  We'd say Flight 397 is probably your best bet.

 "Guys, where are we?"  "Oahu, you moron."

So here we go!  Life after LOST!  I'm ready for it.  I really am.  And I hope you are now too.  If you have more ideas for how to deal with the void, share your thoughts below!


Namaste,
Miss War

Happy Zombie Easter, ya'll!

Even after the Apoc, Easter is still considered a big deal! The undead unfreeze from winter hibernation and began to roam the wasteland that is Earth once more. AND I get to wear flip flops. WOOT!

We don't hide eggs anymore though (no chickens,) we hide chocolate covered body parts. The zombies really dig it.

Happy Zombie Easter, everyone! May your body parts not be covered in chocolate and hidden in little piles of plastic grass!

Phew.

Just kidding.



APRIL FOOLS!!

Oh...NO!

Hey guess what everybody!


The World ISN'T ending!

Zombies Don't Eat Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats THEM. With a side of ketchup. And a pickle. - Miss War

Let us never again say that the Apocalypse is giving us craptastic movies!  In the wake of the shocking announcement that Sony will reboot the Spider-Man franchise with a younger, grittier, "Twilightier" version, we're now hearing (very faint) buzz that Paul Haggis is looking to give the same treatment to his classic series,"Walker, Texas Ranger."

 

BTW: THIS guy is being tapped as the new "gritty" Spidey.  When he blinks, his eyelids say "Badass" and "Awesome."

But how, you ask, could they EVER make Chuck Norris even grittier and badassier than he already is!!!??

Only Chuck Norris has the answer. And he's not in a sharing mood.

Well, after defeating every villain known to the West with his left pinkie, Chuck Norris went into a deep depression. But then as luck would have it, the Apocalypse hit! And he was back and better than ever!  Single-handedly stopping tsunamis by drinking entire oceans in a single gulp.  Eradicating subsequent droughts by taking an extended piss.  Who was there to slingshot the aliens back into orbit? Chuck Norris, that's who!  And who stopped California from slipping into the Pacific after The Big One by sewing tectonic plates back together with his own muscle fibers!? You guessed it! Chuck Norris! (Worry not, he's got enough muscle to wrap around the earth 47,000 times.)

While we have zero confirmation that plans for this already-classic-masterpiece even exists (pleasepleaseplease), it is our apoca-sworn duty to speculate on (read: make up) every possible detail.  Word from a mildly reliable source says the title will be DARK RANGER. Nice. Original. Like it.  And the plot will feature Chuck Norris going fist to sledge-hammer fist with his most vicious nemesis to date...

ZOMBIES. 

Real ones. NOT drunken trick-or-treaters.

But Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Zombies.  When Chuck Norris kills you, you STAY dead.  And when zombies try to eat Chuck Norris they choke on his titanium bones. And then he pieces himself back together.  Chuck Norris invented undead.

It looks like some zombies are about to get their shit. Fucked. UP.

I can only assume that the sequel will show us the most terrifying creature known to man: ZOMBIE CHUCK NORRIS.  I imagine that the plot will involve him roundhouse-kicking Satan in the face. Satan will then cry like a little bitch and hand over the Throne of Hell to Chuck Norris.  Chuck Norris will laugh at him, spit on the Throne, and then go skinny dipping in the River Styx.

 

Eternal Nightmares

If DARK RANGER isn't in the works, it SHOULD BE.  Comment below to sign our petition.  If you don't, Chuck Norris will...well you know.

How do zombies tweet? With their iPhones! (what? zombies need cell phones too...)- Miss War

Happy Birthday, Mr. Romero!!

In honor of visionary director George Romero's 70th birthday, the evil-tastic folks at FEARnet.com have officially declared today TWEET LIKE A ZOMBIE DAY!  We can only imagine this is somewhat like Talk Like a Pirate Day,  except you only have 140 characters with which to type "Arrrrrrrrrrrg!"

"Arrrg, braiiins arrrrrg mother smurfer!"  Hm.  Zombies DO talk like Pirates. And Smurfs.

Today we remember Romero's great contribution to the apocalypse: The Modern Zombie.  Before his masterpiece, NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD , rising from the dead had a VERY different connotation...

But thanks to Romero, today we can enjoy:

Buddy Zombies

Baby Zombies

And Dancing Zombies

So head on over to FEARnet.com, where all day they're paying tribute to the Master of Horror by posting interviews, streaming zombie-esque movies, teaching you how to move like a zombie, and other fun and festive grunt-worthy entertainment!

But don't forget to first go TWEET like a Zombie!

ILuvWar is at McBrains w  @Zombibrains & @humnsrtasty! NomNomArg!

Braaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnsss!
Miss War

Valentine's Day Gets Our Blood Pumping... - Miss War

...and our bowels moving. Maybe that's just me.

Check out this sweetness from FML.

"Today, my boyfriend informed me that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, he'd kill me before I got infected. FML."

We beg to differ! That's not an FML situation! That's very sweet and endearing and if any of us had a boy/halfbreed/creature say that to us, we'd get all misty-eyed and maybe pee just a little.

We will be spending Valentine's Day out and about this year! The four of us girls have plans to catch a viewing of Spinal Tap at Coolidge Corner, and then we're going out to gorge ourselves on Red Velvet cupcakes with blood red frosting from KickAss Cupcakes in Davis.

How do you intend to spend your Valentine's Day, little zombies? And don't say "hanging by a noose." We don't need the melodrama.

Favorite LOST Moments!! (Febuary2ndissocloseIcantasteit) - Miss War

******SPOILERS******

(If you haven’t watched the previous seasons, that is.  I’ve got nuthin for Season 6.  Even our powers aren't that strong. Sorry.)

The Beginning of the End is near. VERY near.  Like two-fucking-days near. 

We Horsewomen have never hidden our love for the amazingrevolutionarybestshowofalltime: LOST.  It's insanely apocalyptic --  Time travel, epic battles of good and evil, giant statues, fucking smoke monsters, purple skies, moving islands, and hot doctors, con-men, torturers, and rock stars. Still don't believe that it's got the apoco-chops to rate high on our obsession-meter? Last year, Juliet (Elizabeth Mitchell) detonated a HYDROGEN bomb. With her BARE hands. 

So how do these final days of LOST signal the end of the [our] world?  What do you think we’ve been DOING with ourselves these last 5 years???? And what are we going to DO when it’s all over??? Sure, MAD MEN gives us fodder for discussion with their fancy character flaws and deep and sociological ponderings.  But where are the crazy sci-fi theories!!!!?  They’re over there at the newest entry in the Fate vs. Destiny war, Flash Forward, but it’s still a young show and we have yet to see if the characters can capture our hearts the way the Losties have.   So unless God Whedon manages to get something NEW on the air, and FAST, we’re pretty certain the world as we know it will probably end when Jack opens his eyes for the very last time this May.

To celebrate this epic event, I want to relive some of my FAVORITE MOMENTS OF LOST:

(I tried to do just 10… I really REALLY tried…)

11. Hurley explains the island to his mother.  (5.2 “The Lie”)

Wracked with immeasurable guilt over leaving and lying, Hurley finally breaks down and confesses the truth.  In doing so, he took on the role of a crazed LOST fan trying to explain to their non-fan friends what this show is about.  It was an inside joke that had us all laughing and crying and nodding our heads in solidarity with Hurley. 

 

I feel your pain, dude.

10. Charlie shares his imaginary peanut butter with Claire.  (1.8 “Confidence Man”)

Because despite quantum physics and complicated power wars, this show is about the characters and their relationships.  And nowhere is that more apparent than in this adorable and tragic psudofamily and their quest for normalcy via…peanut butter.

 

He's a rock star AND invents sweet treats. Sexy!

 9.  Locke teaches Walt Backgammon. (1.2 “Pilot”)

Because they had the balls to give away the store in the first two hours of the series. God damn they’re good.

 

"Two players. Two sides. One is light, one is dark."

8. Sawyer lies about meds to get a kiss from Kate. (1.8 “Confidence Man”)

God I love this episode.  And I love me some Sawyer/Kate/Jack love triangle.  There are so many great moments between these three – “Caught in a net,” “Sex in a Cage,” Jack and Kate get engaged, Sawyer and Juliet play house… but the fact that Sawyer endured being "torture by a damn spinal surgeon and a genuine Iraqi solder" makes this the hottest kiss of all. 

 Oh, Sawyer. Who wouldn't want to be tied to a tree in a Jungle of Mystery with you?

7.  “We’re gonna have to take the boy.”  (1.24 “Exodus, Part 2”)

For those of us who watched from the beginning, this moment was an evil twisting knife to the gut right before THREE WHOLE MONTHS of LOST radio silence.  (Remember when the hiatuses were only three months?) A jaw-dropping moment that made us realize that LOST would mess with us for whole seasons at a time.  And we only loved it more for that.

Tricksy little Lost writers, making us think "the boy" was Aaron. * slaps forehead. Repeatedly. *

6.  Keamy kills Alex. (4.9 “The Shape of Things to Come”)

This is when LOST went from jaw-dropping to gut-dropping. “They’re not going to do go there.  Nah, that’s not going to hap…. Wait. He’s going to do it. Oh my god he’s actually going to shot –“ BANG! 

5. The reveal of Jacob’s Cabin (and the “Ghost in the Chair”). (3.20 “The Man Behind The Curtain”)

The moment a show that was twisty, mysterious, with a sci-fi edge finally took the plunge into the supernatural.  And we followed it like freaking Alice through the rabbit hole.

 Pay no attention to the Man behind the Curtain. Or actually pay lots of attention. In fact, analyze the shit out of that screencap.

 

4. Holy Shit!  Locke was in a wheelchair! (1.4 “Walkabout")

The first true “WTF!?” moment of the series.  We knew things were a little funky before this episode (Smoky, The Numbers), but this moment officially locked (pun intended) this series in as the most daring, unique show on television. 

Locke gets super pissed off when you try to tell him what he can't do.  You know, like walk...or come back from the dead...

3. Desmond and Penny’s Christmas Eve Phone Call. (4.5 “The Constant”)

If you weren’t crying like a little bitch during this quick-cut emotional scene, you have no soul.  No. For real. You may want to have that checked out.  Desmond and Penny’s love affair is the tender heart of LOST, and what could possibly be more romantic than a phone call that unites these lovers through space AND time?  And on Christmas! 

Like a baby...weeping...sobbing...jingle bells...

2.  Ben kills Locke.  (5.7 “The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham”)

Quite possibly the most brilliantly acted scene in LOST (dare I say on television?). Locke's utter desperation.  Ben’s ultimate manipulation.  Chills.

Ben finally figures out something that Locke can't do.  Breathe.

1. “Not Penny’s Boat.”  (3.22 “Through the Looking Glass”)

I’m sorry… I can’t even discuss this one… the computer is shorting out... from my tears.

Hero.

 So what are your favorite moments? Share them below and we can discuss ad nauseam and annoy the rest of the world.