Monday, July 25, 2011

Large Hadron Collider Update: Just Come Out and Say it Already - Miss Conquest

The mysteriously mad scientists over there working on the Large Hadron Collider have disclosed that they expect to know whether or not the illusive "God Particle" exists by the end of next year.

Now, I may not know what the hell a "God Particle" is, but I can certainly decode what "the end of next year" means.  What you really meant to say there Mr. Mad Scientist was: "We will most likely end the world in DECEMBER 2012."

If you're not familiar with this Dr. Evil-style-Insta-Blackhole-Death-Ray they've got going on under the border of France and Switzerland, well neither am I. Every time someone tries to explain that it's "the worlds largest and highest-energy particle accelerator" my eyes glaze over and I start imagining Dr. Sam Beckett jumping into the Quantum Leap Accelerator -- and vanishing.  He awakes to find himself trapped in the past, facing mirror images that are not his own...

Fine.  But I'm not that far off base.  From my understanding, answering the age-old time travel and multiple dimensions questions were just some of the goals for building this doomsday device.  But so far, that seems to be a no-go.  (Duh. Everyone knows that to time travel you need a DeLorean. Psh.)

What you DON"T need are roads.
Anyhow... the important thing to note here is not what they want to do with this Collider, but what they might accidentally do with it.  Like create a black hole and NEGATE OUR EXISTENCE.

And there have been so many setbacks with the damn thing that even the Mad Scientists behind it believe that their future selves are trying to sabotage them in an attempt to stop them from destroying the world (even though time travel isn't...never mind).

And NOW they're planning on completing a hefty part of their mission by THE END OF NEXT YEAR.  Have we learned nothing from Lord Voldemort, Mad Scientists?  You don't fuck with self-fulfiling prophecies!  It never turns out well for you!  And in this case, for ANY of us living on this planet!    So maybe you wanna push your schedule back a bit.  What's the rush?  There's nothing wrong with say... April 2014?   I hear Switzerland is lovely in the springtime.

Seriously.  If a bunch of Mad Scientists negate existence with the flick of a switch, I know some people who are going to be piiiisssssssed off that they've put so much time and energy into War and Global Warming.

No one likes an angry elephant.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Spiked Beauty - Miss Death

These days style must be matched with function.  That necklace?  Better also be a choker (that know, actually choke somebody).  Those shoes - well, they don't call them stilettos for nothing!  That adorable bag?  Can it conceal an automatic weapon?  It better.  Rule #1 of End of World Fashion: Dress it up anyway you like, but make sure the firepower is deadly.

Lady Gaga: Prepared for the Apocalypse since 2008.

When I saw this beautiful line of claw jewelry by Dilan Walpola on the ever handy, I thought - now that's a man with his neck bolts screwed on right!  Style, beauty and utility.

I can only imagine that he was inspired by the string of mutations that have befallen humans recently.  But for those of us who are still waiting for our fangs, scissorhands, and automatic weapon legs, it wouldn't hurt to load up on some of these.   No one - be it zombie, alien, looter, or just your average Mr. Saturday Night Bar Douchebag, will mess with you if you flash them one of these babies.

Dilan's Fall Line, coming to a Bloomingdales near you.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

There's no time! There's never any time! - Miss Conquest

I'm so excited!  I'm so excited!  I'm, you know the rest.
You said it, sister.   Now pass the caffeine pills.  And if you wouldn't mind, could you grind them up first and just shoot them directly into my veins?  Thanks.  We've got some serious work to do.

In today's segment of "No Shit, Sherlock," scientists have determined that humans are bigger assholes than meteorites.  According to The Daily Mail, all of our filthy human habits are going to cause a mass extinction of 75% of all life sometime in the next three to twenty centuries.

This is NOT cool people!  Are you aware of how long it takes to plan a good End of The World Party??  You are simply not giving us enough time!  My to-do list is the length of Charlie Sheen's coke lines!

Save the dates need to go out, caterers need to be booked.  Do you know how hard it is to find someone that will cook both humans and FOR humans?  The Colosseum needs a good once over with a dust rag and a vacuum (Seriously, their general upkeep is terrible.).  We need to make sure R.E.M. is free to play that day (so hard to pin down).  The girls and I need to go shopping for the perfect frocks (this IS the most important day of a Horsewoman's life after all), and find the perfect escorts - you can't simply go to The End of the World Bash with just anyone!  Quick! What does Clooney's 2311 looks like.  Is he booked?

Anyhoo.  The Daily Mail is using the ever popular tactic of showing you some adorable animals to convince you to go all superhero and save the world.   And gdamn it's effective!

"Plastic bottles hurt my gentle soul."

"Turn off those lights or I'll cry!  ...And my mom might rip out your throat.  Maybe."

Secretly plotting to put human muzzles on us in our sleep.  And then cackle at us in the most playful way!

But let me try a different approach:  

I know we're all anxious for the end of the world here, people.  No one is more anxious than we are.  Trust me.  But you can't rush perfection.  And believe me, you want this party to be perfect.  This is your final sendoff!   So if you want to be sure that we've supplied the absolute best wine for this soirĂ©e, and that we've booked all the best bands, and that this is the best damn End of Days Party you could never imagine even in your wildest dreams - RECYCLE!  Go a little greener, people!  Come ON!  Would it kill you to buy a freakin electric car?  Put up a solar panel or two!  If not for the sake of these poor creatures...and you know,  75% of ALL LIFE!  then do it just to give a gal a little extra time to plan a party!  Is that so much to ask???

We Buy It!

The good folks at have placed their vote on the cause of this here Armageddon, and frankly, it isn't a bad hypothesis at all!

What do you think?  Is this flood of fiery sulfur we're experiencing all because God is really just a frustrated Firefly fan?  And what do you think he thinks of Castle?? 

Monday, March 7, 2011

Oh you silly Mayans.

Mayans:  Punking future generations since 2000BC.

This Apocalyptic Picture of the Day has been brought to you by  Winning at Failing! 

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Spotted: It's a Zombie! It's an Alien! It's...Charlie Sheen? - Miss War

Good People of What's Left of Planet Earth:

We here at the Offices For Orchestrating & Surviving the Apocalypse have taken a sworn oath to warn you about any hideous and dangerous new monster sitings. 

We've recently spotted a brand new creature.  Consider this an Official Advisory for :

The Zombie-Alien Hybrid
Please help control the monster population and have your  Zombies and Aliens spayed or neutered.

We Horsewomen never thought we would see the day when Zombies and Aliens bred, but as Miss Conquest will tell you, the Apocalypse can make you kinda desperate. 

The Creature is thought to be extremely drunk, highly crazy, and potentially dangerous (although thus far, it has only proven to be a danger to itself and CBS).

News of the Creature first hit before the actual Apocalypse.  We foolishly ignored the signs when CBS continuously renewed TWO AND A HALF MEN even after we were certain Mr. Sheen had surely destroyed himself.  We should have seen what was really going on.  The studio and network were actually experimenting with early forms of reanimation.   By the time we accepted that Charlie Sheen was really a walking-dead puppet, zombies were already commonplace in our theaters and television sets.

Test Subject #4.  Still working out that pesky facial reconstruction thing.

We're also no stranger to Aliens in the Entertainment World.  It's something we've simply gotten used to.

Aliens: Vacationing on Planet Earth since the early '70s.

But recently, whole new threat has landed on the streets.

At first we didn't know what to make of it.  The Creature looked like Zombie Sheen but had taken on a whole new level of Crazy.  Finally, yesterday, the Creature came forward and confessed what it truly was.  It told us that: “I’m tired of pretending like I’m not special. I’m tired of pretending like I’m not bitchin’, a total freakin’ rock star from Mars.”

It all makes so much more sense now.

"I have come to mate with your porn stars, melt your faces, and take your money."

Throwing money and hookers at the Creature seems to subdue it for a few moments, allowing you enough time to run away.  It's not very fast and easily trips over its own words and thought processes.


Whatever you do, do NOT feed it drugs and alcohol.  This seems to be as dangerous as feeding a Mogwai after midnight.

Just added to the 2011-2012 CBS Lineup.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Let's Just Ignore That Hiatus - Miss War

When did we last post a blog...let's see here. Jesus Christmas! June 11?? Time flies when it doesn't exist.

Important Updates from Our Hiatus: Same shit, different day. Frankly, there just wasn't much to report. BP killed off the Gulf (which saved us loads of time.) Justin Cronin came out with the Vampire Bible known as "The Passage," and we got tan this summer. Hallefreakinlujah.

The office doors are open and we are hard at work blogging again (can you hear us? Blog bloggity blog blog.) We also just hired a new freelance writer to help us out because the dude levels around this office were running dangerously low.

Meet Martin. He is our new freelance blogger and he is a boy. That pretty much summed up everything that we knew about him until about a week ago. Then things got interesting.

Martin is a bit green. He's wet behind the ears. He's willing, eager and stupid. How he convinced us to let him write for us, I will never know. All I know is that Miss Death has been throwing her clavicle up in his face all week like a cheap zombie trick. Thankfully, the kid can string two sentences together in some semblance of a blog post, so we'll keep him around for now. But I digress.

There's one hell of a zombie virus running amok. Just like flu season, it comes and goes, but this outbreak has been bad. Nearly everyone we're friends with has come down with it. So it goes without saying that our easily excited and not-very-smart freelancer, Martin, got caught with his proverbial pants down one night while jogging through the neighborhood and long story short, the kid's a damn zombie now.

He's doing well considering. Once the projectile bloody vomiting subsided and his orifices stopped leaking and he took a shower, he's fairly back to normal, apart from the whole "becoming a zombie" thing. He's actually getting out more. We suspect he had a date last week with the zombie secretary from the office next door.

But since this whole zombie thing is still new to Martin, the real problems haven't started yet. See, zombie-ism comes with a whole new set of problems if you will. There's the constant oozing, the agonizing pain as your cells die, and the leprosy. Martin will, within a few weeks, literally go to pieces right before our very eyes. Moisturize all you like, Martin. Your skin is still going to fall off.

We did what we thought was best and took a bunch of bets at Martin's expense. We've got a really solid pool going right now on which body part will fall off first. I have $25 on his fingers going first. Miss Death put $40 on his legs. And Miss Famine is just a filthy dirtball.

If he hopes to get anywhere with this secretary, he's going to have to do it fast.

We'll keep you updated on Martin and his zombie shortcomings, and we also solemnly vow to keep blogging! No more hiatus.No more messing around. We are serious, damnit! Blog bloggity blog blog!

Until next time, here's hoping Miss Famine is wrong - for Martin's sake.