Saturday, March 12, 2011

Spiked Beauty - Miss Death

These days style must be matched with function.  That necklace?  Better also be a choker (that know, actually choke somebody).  Those shoes - well, they don't call them stilettos for nothing!  That adorable bag?  Can it conceal an automatic weapon?  It better.  Rule #1 of End of World Fashion: Dress it up anyway you like, but make sure the firepower is deadly.

Lady Gaga: Prepared for the Apocalypse since 2008.

When I saw this beautiful line of claw jewelry by Dilan Walpola on the ever handy, I thought - now that's a man with his neck bolts screwed on right!  Style, beauty and utility.

I can only imagine that he was inspired by the string of mutations that have befallen humans recently.  But for those of us who are still waiting for our fangs, scissorhands, and automatic weapon legs, it wouldn't hurt to load up on some of these.   No one - be it zombie, alien, looter, or just your average Mr. Saturday Night Bar Douchebag, will mess with you if you flash them one of these babies.

Dilan's Fall Line, coming to a Bloomingdales near you.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

There's no time! There's never any time! - Miss Conquest

I'm so excited!  I'm so excited!  I'm, you know the rest.
You said it, sister.   Now pass the caffeine pills.  And if you wouldn't mind, could you grind them up first and just shoot them directly into my veins?  Thanks.  We've got some serious work to do.

In today's segment of "No Shit, Sherlock," scientists have determined that humans are bigger assholes than meteorites.  According to The Daily Mail, all of our filthy human habits are going to cause a mass extinction of 75% of all life sometime in the next three to twenty centuries.

This is NOT cool people!  Are you aware of how long it takes to plan a good End of The World Party??  You are simply not giving us enough time!  My to-do list is the length of Charlie Sheen's coke lines!

Save the dates need to go out, caterers need to be booked.  Do you know how hard it is to find someone that will cook both humans and FOR humans?  The Colosseum needs a good once over with a dust rag and a vacuum (Seriously, their general upkeep is terrible.).  We need to make sure R.E.M. is free to play that day (so hard to pin down).  The girls and I need to go shopping for the perfect frocks (this IS the most important day of a Horsewoman's life after all), and find the perfect escorts - you can't simply go to The End of the World Bash with just anyone!  Quick! What does Clooney's 2311 looks like.  Is he booked?

Anyhoo.  The Daily Mail is using the ever popular tactic of showing you some adorable animals to convince you to go all superhero and save the world.   And gdamn it's effective!

"Plastic bottles hurt my gentle soul."

"Turn off those lights or I'll cry!  ...And my mom might rip out your throat.  Maybe."

Secretly plotting to put human muzzles on us in our sleep.  And then cackle at us in the most playful way!

But let me try a different approach:  

I know we're all anxious for the end of the world here, people.  No one is more anxious than we are.  Trust me.  But you can't rush perfection.  And believe me, you want this party to be perfect.  This is your final sendoff!   So if you want to be sure that we've supplied the absolute best wine for this soirĂ©e, and that we've booked all the best bands, and that this is the best damn End of Days Party you could never imagine even in your wildest dreams - RECYCLE!  Go a little greener, people!  Come ON!  Would it kill you to buy a freakin electric car?  Put up a solar panel or two!  If not for the sake of these poor creatures...and you know,  75% of ALL LIFE!  then do it just to give a gal a little extra time to plan a party!  Is that so much to ask???

We Buy It!

The good folks at have placed their vote on the cause of this here Armageddon, and frankly, it isn't a bad hypothesis at all!

What do you think?  Is this flood of fiery sulfur we're experiencing all because God is really just a frustrated Firefly fan?  And what do you think he thinks of Castle?? 

Monday, March 7, 2011

Oh you silly Mayans.

Mayans:  Punking future generations since 2000BC.

This Apocalyptic Picture of the Day has been brought to you by  Winning at Failing! 

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Spotted: It's a Zombie! It's an Alien! It's...Charlie Sheen? - Miss War

Good People of What's Left of Planet Earth:

We here at the Offices For Orchestrating & Surviving the Apocalypse have taken a sworn oath to warn you about any hideous and dangerous new monster sitings. 

We've recently spotted a brand new creature.  Consider this an Official Advisory for :

The Zombie-Alien Hybrid
Please help control the monster population and have your  Zombies and Aliens spayed or neutered.

We Horsewomen never thought we would see the day when Zombies and Aliens bred, but as Miss Conquest will tell you, the Apocalypse can make you kinda desperate. 

The Creature is thought to be extremely drunk, highly crazy, and potentially dangerous (although thus far, it has only proven to be a danger to itself and CBS).

News of the Creature first hit before the actual Apocalypse.  We foolishly ignored the signs when CBS continuously renewed TWO AND A HALF MEN even after we were certain Mr. Sheen had surely destroyed himself.  We should have seen what was really going on.  The studio and network were actually experimenting with early forms of reanimation.   By the time we accepted that Charlie Sheen was really a walking-dead puppet, zombies were already commonplace in our theaters and television sets.

Test Subject #4.  Still working out that pesky facial reconstruction thing.

We're also no stranger to Aliens in the Entertainment World.  It's something we've simply gotten used to.

Aliens: Vacationing on Planet Earth since the early '70s.

But recently, whole new threat has landed on the streets.

At first we didn't know what to make of it.  The Creature looked like Zombie Sheen but had taken on a whole new level of Crazy.  Finally, yesterday, the Creature came forward and confessed what it truly was.  It told us that: “I’m tired of pretending like I’m not special. I’m tired of pretending like I’m not bitchin’, a total freakin’ rock star from Mars.”

It all makes so much more sense now.

"I have come to mate with your porn stars, melt your faces, and take your money."

Throwing money and hookers at the Creature seems to subdue it for a few moments, allowing you enough time to run away.  It's not very fast and easily trips over its own words and thought processes.


Whatever you do, do NOT feed it drugs and alcohol.  This seems to be as dangerous as feeding a Mogwai after midnight.

Just added to the 2011-2012 CBS Lineup.