Thursday, December 31, 2009

Top Ten Apocalyptic Movies of the 00's - Miss War

It's been quite the decade-o-disaster at the multiplex my friends.  We Horsewomen do so enjoy a good apocalypse, even if Hollywood is often wrong about, well just about ever detail of the apocalypse.  So we thought we'd show our appreciation for our favorite homages to our work at this, the close of the first decade of the 21rst Century:

First... the quality entries...

28 Days Later - An indie-drama masquerading as a zombie flick, Danny Boyle's entry into the zombie-pocalypse genre is terrifying on a lot of levels. Plus, Cilian Murphy is hot, even without hair. Need we say more?

Wall-E - An apocalyptic-kids movie! Say what you will about Pixar - they've got balls of steal. Who would have thought that you could start indoctrinating the populous to look forward to the joys of the apocalypse at such a young age? Pixar has managed it though.  According to them the apocalypse features the cutest robots EVER and a lot of problems that can mostly be solved by eating right and exercising. Oh, and a tensy garbage problem.  We Horsewomen approve of exercising, eating right AND recycling, so we call this one a winner.

Children of Men - A dreary, dreary sort of apocalypse, but a pretty damn good movie.  We'll appreciate it as art and be happy that our apocalypse isn't NEARLY this grungy. Famine would never stand for it.

Sunshine - Danny Boyle explores a different, quieter sort of apocalypse in this psychological thriller about the crew sent to try to reignite the sun before the Earth freezes. The crew might self destruct - but will they be in time to prevent the death of our sun? If you've seen it, you know, if you haven't... that's not my fault, is it?

Shawn of the Dead - Putting the ha-ha in zombie attacks, this British slice of hilarity changed the name of the game when it came to horror. With a healthy dose of really great action, big scares and a few true heart strings playing moments this is a mish-mash that just works.

Cloverfield - This little movie would merit a place on this even if it's only accomplishment was being the only "hand-held" movie that hasn't made me physically ill.  I know, I know, harbinger of doom, bringer of peril, destroyer of worlds and what's my kryptonite? Shaky camera work. I'm ashamed of myself too. Beyond not being sea-sick inducing, this charming little, never quite see the monster movie manages to be fun, effective and entertaining.  The cast might be a little on the mediocre side, but it kept this Horsewoman happy for a couple of hours, so we'll accept it into our visions of the apocalypse hall of fame.

And for the cheese ball half of the list....

Land of the Dead - George A. Romero, king of the zombie movies, investigates what might happen after a zombie apocalypse in this sequel. Simon Baker is hot, the zombie hookers are gross and life after the end of it all seems like good, if a little dirty, fun. A girl can always count on Mr. Romero for a good time!

The Day After Tomorrow - Mr. Emmerich took two stabs at the apoca-genre this decade, but we're just going to pretend that The Day After Tomorrow stands alone as a representative of his work because that other movie (you know the one I'm talking about, starts with 20, ends with 12) is TERRIBLE.  Is this the best of his work? No. Is this the best apocalypse movie he's ever made? No. But no list of apocalyptic movies can be complete without an entry from Mr. Emmerich, so we've made room on the list.

I Am Legend - And in the category of movies that should have been better... We like to watch this movie for the movie it was before it was re-written via post-shoot editing.  Do you REALLY think you've convinced us that the zombie king is willing to chase his girl out into the sunlight because he's becoming LESS human? Really? But, post-focus group re-editing or not, it stars Mr. Will Smith, our number one action hero with whom to survive an apocalypse, so it belongs on our list!

Battlefield Earth - Last but certainly not least, the WORST apocalypse movie, perhaps ever. This gem goes so far beyond bad that it is kind of a fabulous apocalypse in itself.  The fact that's it's based on a religious text? Well, just icing on the cake.

That's the decade in apocali looks like ladies and gentleman. Go forth and be merry, for the end is, as always, nigh.

Get out 2009! And NEVER come back! - 4HW


Ok. So here’s the deal.  December was a busy month for the Four Horsewomen.  Yes, I know, “It’s a busy month for everyone.” But it’s particularly busy for us.  It involves certain…rituals…and preparations.  Traditionally, December is a VERY important month in the Apocalypse (hint hint). I mean, first there was that whole UFO over the Kremlin incident. African pythons decided to make Florida their new home (hey – who knew African pythons were retired New Yorkers?).  Jake Gyllenhaal didn’t keep up his end of our Apocalyptic Bargain.  And let’s not forget the Annual Horsewomen Holiday Retreat. (Yes, that’s right. We’ll admit it. We slacked off on our duties to go spend a few weeks in St. Lucia.  What? You didn’t spend a week or two knocking back eggnogs with your nearest and dearest in your family hovels? We Horsewomen just have different priorities, that’s all.  And Miss Conquest LOVES her rum.)

But just because we’re complete and total slackers doesn’t mean we don’t want jump on the Best of the Decade bandwagon as we happily kick 2009 out the window (good riddance!) and make way for 2010.  After all, the Aughts were nothing if not Apocalyptic.  (The tanking economy won 500 points for Gryffindor alone.)

So check back often as we look at some of the best Apocalyptic Fashion Disasters, Apocalyptic Celebrity Couples, movies, books and songs of the decade, and tune in to find out who we name as THE Honorary Horsewomen of the decade!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Copenhagen in a Nutshell of CO2 - Miss Death

I realize that I spend the majority of my time covering fashion and celebs, but I do have a brain inside this perfectly manicured skull. And from time to time, I like to use it. So today's recap will be a quick overview of the Copenhagen Conference on Global and Climate Change. Sounds fun, right? Stay with me....

In 2012, the Kyoto Protocal will expire. The Kyoto Protocol was put in place to create "binding limits" on the amount of CO2 that a country can emit. (Eh hem...that includes you, China.) So, in short, once the Kyoto Protocol expires, without a new protocol in place to stop countries from going hog wild and producing all the CO2 emissions they like, you are all screwed.

Not me. I'm already dead. It's sort of my thing.

Government reps from 170 countries will meet to duke it out over the new standards for carbon emissions. Sounds great, right? Except for that fact that this years Copehagen Summit will produce the largest carbon footprint of any summit to date.

Between travel, work and flights this summit will produce 46,200 tonnes of carbon emissions. That is "enough to fill 10,000 swimming pools" and is equivalent to the same amount produced by 2,600 Americans IN A YEAR. (Run away, little penguin! Run!)

1 step forward, 2 steps back. It's a deadly waltz we dance. But who am I to complain. Business for me is booming and the outlook on my industry is high. So keep up the great work, Copenhagen. We'll be headed for the next apocalypse in no time!

Signing off for now darlings! (No worries, I'll be back with more updates on pretty, frilly, sparkley things next time.)

I'll get off my high horse for now. (Her name is Shiela.)

Monday, December 7, 2009

Apocalyptic Website of the Week: There, I Fixed It! - Miss Famine

We’ve had many signs of the Apocalypse lately.  There are lots of terrible and horrible things that we need to warn you about - things that are trying their darndest to usher in the End of Days.  So many things in fact, that we’ve been neglecting our OTHER duties – helping you, teaching you, guiding you through this crazy apocalyptic wave.  (It’s right there in the title, folks!)

That’s why I’d like to bring this FANTASTIC WEBSITE to your attention today. Our resources are sometimes limited here in Armageddon, and because of that, we sometimes have to get a little MacGyver-y. (NOT the same as getting Maverick-y, FYI.)  And this website has it all. Helpful tips with a hilarious edge.  Fix your problems AND laugh them off at the same time! is practically a how-to guide for household problems.  What DO you do when you just can’t find a wrench to save your life? (No. Seriously.  Save your life.  The other day my faucet started leaking… but it wasn’t just water… there were blood-sucking alien leeches IN the water… I needed a wrench. STAT.).

So just HOW does solve all of your pesky problems....?

Say I used everything - including the kitchen sink - to barricade my hovel during a zombie attack.  Now what in Hades do I use for a sink?!?!

 Oh. That.

I’m having a party, but last week I used my silver bottle opener to take out a frisky werewolf.  Now how do I serve drinks?


I need to make a quick getaway from a tidal wave that’s about to wash away my hovel… But as luck would have it, I have a flat tire!!! WHAT DO I DO!?!

Luckily, there are children near by playing in a park. And I have no moral qualms about stealing toys from children at all whatsoever.

My kids are all crazy messed up in the future and I need to get use the Time Machine ASAP to stop them from effing everything up (even though this premise makes no sense in terms of urgency or stakes), but the Zombies stole all of my Plutonium!!!  How the heck do I make my Time Machine fly??

“Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t NEED roads…”  Just corn.

And those are just a few of the handy tips from This site is like the Bob Villa of the Apocalypse! Visit today!

*All photos are from the super handy, and super hilarious blog. 

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Human v. Zombie: People, this is NOT a game! -Miss Conquest

What is this bullshit? Have we not spread the warnings? Have you not seen what happens when you toy with the undead? Clearly no one is taking this seriously. (hangs head in frustration) (withered sigh)

College kids have given up on the ever popular sports of Frisbee Golf and Drinking Til You Pass Out With No Pants and are instead taking up the new game of Humans v. Zombies. The teams are divided up (like Sharks and Fishes) and players take turns "fighting" one another in a tag-like setting using Nerf guns.

Are you shitting me? Nerf guns.

Why not just hit them with pillows and balloons? Perhaps you could just blow kisses at them?

Government test labs the world over have been harvesting all sorts of zombie-creating diseases. Hell, even Lady Gaga wants to be a zombie ("I want your ugly, I want your disease.") But to make a game of this in some light hearted attempt at irony is just reinforcing the notion that college kids are idiots and the world is not taking this zombie epidemic seriously enough.

"We must stop these college jerks from trivializing the threat of the undead." - Stephen Colbert (political commentator, human sympathizer).

Sure! It's all fun and games until you find yourself face to face with a real zombie, and all you have to defend yourself is a Nerf Big Bad Titan, which fires foam darts at a speed of .002 mph. At that speed, you could walk over and kick them in the nuts faster. Long story short, you're a dead man. 

People. I implore you. Do NOT partake in this mindless game. It perpetuates false stereotypes about the severity of this deadly disease (Zombitis). Nerf guns will not save you, you silly-nancys. While the girls and I are out fighting off REAL zombies every. single. day. you jerktards are out skipping through wildflower fields throwing foam darts at one another.

Thank you, Mr. Colbert, for giving this game your highest threat level warning. At least someone is taking this seriously.
As Stephen Colbert so perfectly put it: "Hey college kids, stop playing fake zombies and get back to what you are supposed to be doing. Playing fake lesbians and fake vegetarians."

Don't say we didn't warn you.