Saturday, November 28, 2009

Know Your Place on the Menu - Miss Famine

I am STUFFED.  The girls and I had a flawless Thanksgiving this year. (Only two zombie attacks and only one smoke detector incident.  Death is officially banned from the kitchen.)  We were all a little anxious leading up to the big event -- would Thanksgiving still be the same in the Apocalypse?  Would friends and family still gather and shovel food into their faces until they couldn't breath?  Would that weird uncle still be super awkward? Would the turkey rise from the dead as Zombie turkey?!

Yes! Yes! And sort of. (No worries. Zombie Turkeys are just as easy to cook and just as tasty as regular turkeys.  Just bite them before they bite you.)

I was so relieved that all of the the tradition is still firmly in tact, and we're now gearing up for a very merry Holiday season.  The girls and I even went shopping early on Black Friday.  It's so much less scary when you come prepared with your pretty machetes and pearl handled revolversCompetitive shoppers just leap out of your way.

But now that that's over, we're facing the scariest of all post-Thanksgiving traditions... LEFTOVERS.  Leftovers have always been a little risky -- How long does this all last? The green beans are moving, should I stop eating? Is the stuffing ok if it's congealed, white, and fuzzy? How many pieces of pie is too many to eat in one sitting?  (The answer is 7.  Just trust me.)

And ever since that apocalypse hit, we've had even more to worry about, like...when do WE become the leftovers?

Oh. That's when.

Happy Zombgiving, Everyone!

Miss Famine

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Finally! A Narrative on Why Everything Goes to Shit During a Zombie Apocalypse - Miss Conquest

I've been saying it for years, folks. This is no one's fault but your own. I didn't start the zombie apocalypse. I merely encouraged what had already been set into motion. And, as friend and neighbor to many zombies, I really can't help but sympathize with them.

Finally. Someone printed the totally accurate narrative of how the Zombie Apoc came to be. The next time you feel frisky, why not hold off on getting cocky with the disease hybrid meatloaf. See below for further explanation.

Not here.


Friday, November 20, 2009




The end is so freakishly near you can taste it!

Mmm.  Tastes like chicken.

"New Moon Sets All-time Midnight Record"

It beat Harry Potter.

It beat Dark Knight.

 Batman, bested by a bare chested 12-year-old.  I guess the chicks just don't dig Teflon as much as they used to.

It made $26.27 MILLION DOLLARS.

And that's just the kick-off.  Reports are that the sequel may break the all-time opening day records, while simultaneously attracting earthquakes, birds, snakes, and aeroplanes, effectively ending the world as we know it.

Didja see THIS coming, Michael Stipe.  Didja? Didja?!

What is this business with Twilight vamps not having fangs?  I don't buy it.  They just took the biggest bite out of our collective Hello Kitty pocket book ever (during witching hours, at least).  Oh well, I guess it's true what they say about whiskey and vampires... totally Recession-proof.

"Honey.  Hey. Wake up.  Did you drink all my moonshine?"

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Cha-Ching. New Moon's Predicted Fortune Spells A-P-O-C-A-L-Y-P-S-E. -Miss War

If there's one thing we Horsewomen do well, it's spot signs of the coming Apocalypse.  We're like rangers that way.  We sense danger. We can smell it in the sulfuric air.

And there's no better place to find signs than THE ALL KNOWING BOX OFFICE. (At least for me. I know Death likes to frequent department stores and fashion shows while sign watching.) 

And guys and ghouls, boy do we have a whopping sign flashing at us today:

Twilight Saga: New Moon looking at a $104.2 million opening weekend.


Three. Tiny. Little. Days. 

Not even a HOLIDAY weekend.

How, you ask, might a movie about a lip-biting girl and a sparkly vampire cause the world to scream "AH!" and just throw fistfuls of dollars at Summit Entertainment like the company was a high class stripper played by Christina Aguilera or Kristen Bell?

Is it Robert Pattinson's cocky coif?

Is it Kristen Stewart's sighing and throat clearing?

Is it Taylor Lautner's magic miracle grow abs?

Is it the "Forbidden Bad Boy loves me but doesn't make a move no matter how much I throw my naked body willingly and desperately onto his fangless lap" fantasy? (It only makes us want him more.)

There must be SOMETHING in Stephanie Meyers' Mormon Vegitarian Vampire tale that makes us swoon in unison. 

SOMETHING that's going to drive 13-year-old girls to the theater six or seven times before SATURDAY (and by 13-year-old girls, I mean myself, Death, Famine, Conquest, my sister, my mom, my best friend, the zombie-lady who lives next door, my alien boss, Nkchbu).

I'm going to make a wild accusation about what's behind this whole unsettling shebang (even though the movie contains NO banging of the she or he variety at all whatsoever).  Now bear with me.  It makes sense if you think about it:

Kristen Stewart and Stephanie Meyer sold their souls to the Devil.

I know, I know, I hear you.  "But Miss War.  Shouldn't that only affect THEM? How does it cause the Apocalypse?"

Duh.  Devil.  He likes to end the world even more than WE do.

So why am I not including RobPat or TayLaut in this little apocalyptic pact?

Cause let's face it, they're just eye candy.  We loves us some female gaze, yes we do. 

So, let me be the first to say it (who are we kidding... I'm like the 47th), when the title "New Moon" is suddenly tossed in with the likes of such family friendly, get-butts-in-the-seats titles as, "Spider Man," "Pirates of the Caribbean," "HARRY EFFING POTTER," run for the farthest hills and dig yourself a bloody bomb shelter, because the End is fucking NEAR.

*Don't believe me?  There have been 18,834 updated Tweets with the tag #newmoon since I started this post. 18,938.  20,103.


Monday, November 16, 2009

Journey, The Most Apocalyptic Band of all Time

This is a short post. Simply put, the best song of all time, the song we played and sang along to while raining fire and brimstone...the song that makes me equal parts happy and sad when I sing it...the song that never EVER gets old or boring or overplayed....has just been covered by Fox's Glee during season 1 and like a really good disease outbreak, the more you share it, the better this gets.

So plug in your apoc headphones, get out your lighter and crank this mother to 11.

Ride the Midnight Train here and don't let your coworkers see you sobbing like a baby while you mouth along with then words.

Also, give the cover of Billy Idol's "Dancing with Myself" a go. Long story short, you'll shamelessly chair dance with yourself.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Stand up for a Friday the 13th Near You! - Miss Conquest

I'm MAD and I'm not going to take it any more.  What,, you ask?  There's so much to choose from...


And lets not forget about...


But fashion offenses are nothing compared to the injustice I speak of today.  That's right.


Or... to sum up...

Each and every month that begins with Sunday include a Friday that lies on the 13th day on the month.  Friday the 13th. I was born, some, unspecified not toooo long a time ago in the past, on Friday the 13th.  I am charming and lovely and a joy to all who know me.  But, when Friday the 13th comes around, all of my gracious qualities are forgotten by datists who choose to percicute those of us who originate on this particular day.

Calendar discrimination has long and pernicious roots.  Even the ancient Babylonians practiced this unfortunate and unreasonable prejudice against this innocent number. That means this prejudice has been around since at least 1700 BC.  But, it didn't really take off until this guy:


Wrote a completely fictional book that has ruined this wonderful day for all of us called, you guessed it -- Friday the Thirteenth.

Thanks, asshole.

Today, the third Friday the 13th of 2009, I've decided to take a stand.  Our voice deserves to be heard! The first Thirteen Club was started 1881 and boasted a membership that included five presidents.  It's time to bring this venerable institution back.  Join me in fighting back against triskaidekaphobia in all of it's forms! 

Join the cause - walk under a ladder or pet a black cat today!


Just a reminder... - Miss War


Hey you.

Yeah, you.

Come here.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but... 

It's here.

That's all.

Check back Monday for an accuracy report.  (My guess is not very... I heard there weren't even Zombies.  Psh.)

Happy Friday the 13th,
Miss War

Friday, November 6, 2009

Bringing About the Apocalypse. You're doing it RIGHT, Messrs. Gyllenhaal and Bruckheimer! - Miss War

Dear Friends,

I know on Fridays I usually preview the exciting (and/or questionable) movin' pictures that will grace the silver screen over the weekend. And this weekend definitely has a full slate of flicks.  Both the good: "Men Who Stare At Goats" and "A Christmas Carol" (just forget the fact that Halloween was barely a week ago), and the others: "The Fourth Kind" and "The Box."

But today I'd like to take a minute to honor a trailer that understands the true meaning of the word "apocalyptic."

And it's not 2012.  

I'm talking about this week's latest buzz-worthy trailer - "Prince of Persia."  (Watch here!)

(* This poster is not a joke.)

The trailer opens with dirty-gold fireworks bursting over Cinderella's Castle set to a dark, brooding score.  This caught my attention. "Pirates 4?  ALREADY? Sweet!"  But no.  All lies.  These explosions aren't from cannon balls.  In fact, I'm still not quite sure what these are supposed to be.

We then fly high above the world of a very dusty and very CGI'd Medieval Persia, and are given an overwrought mythology about a dagger and some time-traveling sand.  Cool. Got it.

But then the trailer lost me.  And it's not because the pervasive narration doesn't explain every. single. plot. beat.  'Cause it does.  No, the trailer lost me here because for the next 2 minutes and 20 seconds I could only see one thing... THAT WIG.

Now, the Apocalypse has not precluded my affinity for the doe-eyed Gyllenhaal in any way shape or form.  I still love him even after he went all Zombie-bot with that chick.  He was adorable in "Bubble Boy". Angsty, mysterious, and HOT in "Donnie Darko."  Apathetic and even HOTTER in "Jarhead."

So when you see the trailer, you'll understand my confusion.  I stopped watching and thought to myself, "What be this creature I see in the moving picture box?  It cannot be the beautiful Jake Gyllenhaal I know and love.  ...Can it?"

No.  No, Mr. Gyllenhaal.  I do not agree.  I will not accept your horribly stitched wig and sprayed-on-looking abs!


Sigh... if this movie doesn't cause the Apocalypse, I don't know what will.  (That's a lie.  I totally know.)

Peace, Love, and Movie Trailers
Miss War

PS:  Because I don't want to be a complete sourpuss, check out the NEW "Avatar" trailer.  Looks just as cool as the first, but this time it actually tells us what the movie's about!

Also, the "Salt" teaser hit the interwebs this week.  Angelina Jolie being badass?  You don't say...

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Bored to Death - Miss War

So. Bored.

So.....soooo....bored. Miss Famine and I were just iming about how bored we were at the MGGtStA Office. Normally, Miss Conquest is a slave driver (her thirst for success in unquenchable) but she's out of the office all week for some pillaging and plundering R&R time.

And thus, we are bored. Also, we are getting to the point of cabin fever where we are indeed annoying one another. If Miss Death drums her boney little fingers one more time, there will be post-apocalyptic hell to pay.

Anywho. I've been surfing the net looking for ways to amuse myself. Short of planning Miss Famine's Future As-Yet-To-Be-Determined Wedding (again), my eyeballs are going to bleed if I don't find a reason to live for the next 4 hours.

I present to Here, you can develop a deeper appreciation for shitty art while learning new things! Like...mushrooms 101! to tend to unsightly hair!

No worries, you can thank me later.

Also, thank YOU Google Reader, for reading my mind and recommending If you like the whimsicall art and handmade designs of Etsy, than you'll love the half-assed attempts at homemade crafts showcased on Regretsy! After all, every DIY project involves a little glue and a whole lotta regret. 

And if all else fails, well, you can reread the Twilight series. Because deep down, everyone is a 14-year old girl.

Keep it real apocalyptic.