Monday, July 25, 2011

Large Hadron Collider Update: Just Come Out and Say it Already - Miss Conquest

The mysteriously mad scientists over there working on the Large Hadron Collider have disclosed that they expect to know whether or not the illusive "God Particle" exists by the end of next year.

Now, I may not know what the hell a "God Particle" is, but I can certainly decode what "the end of next year" means.  What you really meant to say there Mr. Mad Scientist was: "We will most likely end the world in DECEMBER 2012."

If you're not familiar with this Dr. Evil-style-Insta-Blackhole-Death-Ray they've got going on under the border of France and Switzerland, well neither am I. Every time someone tries to explain that it's "the worlds largest and highest-energy particle accelerator" my eyes glaze over and I start imagining Dr. Sam Beckett jumping into the Quantum Leap Accelerator -- and vanishing.  He awakes to find himself trapped in the past, facing mirror images that are not his own...

Fine.  But I'm not that far off base.  From my understanding, answering the age-old time travel and multiple dimensions questions were just some of the goals for building this doomsday device.  But so far, that seems to be a no-go.  (Duh. Everyone knows that to time travel you need a DeLorean. Psh.)

What you DON"T need are roads.
Anyhow... the important thing to note here is not what they want to do with this Collider, but what they might accidentally do with it.  Like create a black hole and NEGATE OUR EXISTENCE.

And there have been so many setbacks with the damn thing that even the Mad Scientists behind it believe that their future selves are trying to sabotage them in an attempt to stop them from destroying the world (even though time travel isn't...never mind).

And NOW they're planning on completing a hefty part of their mission by THE END OF NEXT YEAR.  Have we learned nothing from Lord Voldemort, Mad Scientists?  You don't fuck with self-fulfiling prophecies!  It never turns out well for you!  And in this case, for ANY of us living on this planet!    So maybe you wanna push your schedule back a bit.  What's the rush?  There's nothing wrong with say... April 2014?   I hear Switzerland is lovely in the springtime.

Seriously.  If a bunch of Mad Scientists negate existence with the flick of a switch, I know some people who are going to be piiiisssssssed off that they've put so much time and energy into War and Global Warming.

No one likes an angry elephant.

1 comment:

  1. I like on your doomsday mongering--here's my attempt in an infographic, feel free to share it with your viewers!