Thursday, February 11, 2010

Zombies Don't Eat Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats THEM. With a side of ketchup. And a pickle. - Miss War

Let us never again say that the Apocalypse is giving us craptastic movies!  In the wake of the shocking announcement that Sony will reboot the Spider-Man franchise with a younger, grittier, "Twilightier" version, we're now hearing (very faint) buzz that Paul Haggis is looking to give the same treatment to his classic series,"Walker, Texas Ranger."

BTW: THIS guy is being tapped as the new "gritty" Spidey.  When he blinks, his eyelids say "Badass" and "Awesome."

But how, you ask, could they EVER make Chuck Norris even grittier and badassier than he already is!!!??
Only Chuck Norris has the answer. And he's not in a sharing mood.

Well, after defeating every villain known to the West with his left pinkie, Chuck Norris went into a deep depression. But then as luck would have it, the Apocalypse hit! And he was back and better than ever!  Single-handedly stopping tsunamis by drinking entire oceans in a single gulp.  Eradicating subsequent droughts by taking an extended piss.  Who was there to slingshot the aliens back into orbit? Chuck Norris, that's who!  And who stopped California from slipping into the Pacific after The Big One by sewing tectonic plates back together with his own muscle fibers!? You guessed it! Chuck Norris! (Worry not, he's got enough muscle to wrap around the earth 47,000 times.)

While we have zero confirmation that plans for this already-classic-masterpiece even exists (pleasepleaseplease), it is our apoca-sworn duty to speculate on (read: make up) every possible detail.  Word from a mildly reliable source says the title will be DARK RANGER. Nice. Original. Like it.  And the plot will feature Chuck Norris going fist to sledge-hammer fist with his most vicious nemesis to date...

Real ones. NOT drunken trick-or-treaters.

But Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Zombies.  When Chuck Norris kills you, you STAY dead.  And when zombies try to eat Chuck Norris they choke on his titanium bones. And then he pieces himself back together.  Chuck Norris invented undead.

It looks like some zombies are about to get their shit. Fucked. UP.

I can only assume that the sequel will show us the most terrifying creature known to man: ZOMBIE CHUCK NORRIS.  I imagine that the plot will involve him roundhouse-kicking Satan in the face. Satan will then cry like a little bitch and hand over the Throne of Hell to Chuck Norris.  Chuck Norris will laugh at him, spit on the Throne, and then go skinny dipping in the River Styx.

Eternal Nightmares

If DARK RANGER isn't in the works, it SHOULD BE.  Comment below to sign our petition.  If you don't, Chuck Norris will...well you know.

1 comment:

  1. I've heard it is supposed to shoot in New Mexico in 2010. Supposedly attached to the project is Harvey Keitel. Looks like he may be the villan.