Thursday, December 3, 2009

Human v. Zombie: People, this is NOT a game! -Miss Conquest

What is this bullshit? Have we not spread the warnings? Have you not seen what happens when you toy with the undead? Clearly no one is taking this seriously. (hangs head in frustration) (withered sigh)

College kids have given up on the ever popular sports of Frisbee Golf and Drinking Til You Pass Out With No Pants and are instead taking up the new game of Humans v. Zombies. The teams are divided up (like Sharks and Fishes) and players take turns "fighting" one another in a tag-like setting using Nerf guns.

Are you shitting me? Nerf guns.

Why not just hit them with pillows and balloons? Perhaps you could just blow kisses at them?

Government test labs the world over have been harvesting all sorts of zombie-creating diseases. Hell, even Lady Gaga wants to be a zombie ("I want your ugly, I want your disease.") But to make a game of this in some light hearted attempt at irony is just reinforcing the notion that college kids are idiots and the world is not taking this zombie epidemic seriously enough.

"We must stop these college jerks from trivializing the threat of the undead." - Stephen Colbert (political commentator, human sympathizer).

Sure! It's all fun and games until you find yourself face to face with a real zombie, and all you have to defend yourself is a Nerf Big Bad Titan, which fires foam darts at a speed of .002 mph. At that speed, you could walk over and kick them in the nuts faster. Long story short, you're a dead man. 

People. I implore you. Do NOT partake in this mindless game. It perpetuates false stereotypes about the severity of this deadly disease (Zombitis). Nerf guns will not save you, you silly-nancys. While the girls and I are out fighting off REAL zombies every. single. day. you jerktards are out skipping through wildflower fields throwing foam darts at one another.

Thank you, Mr. Colbert, for giving this game your highest threat level warning. At least someone is taking this seriously.
As Stephen Colbert so perfectly put it: "Hey college kids, stop playing fake zombies and get back to what you are supposed to be doing. Playing fake lesbians and fake vegetarians."

Don't say we didn't warn you.


  1. You have no idea how serious the game becomes. You would not survive 2 nights at FSU HvZ. I implore YOU, try the cardio workout and complex objectives. Then tell me it is mindless or worthless.

  2. Don't kid yourself, Junior. No one knows better how real this shit is than the Four Horsewomen. You wanna know serious? Stop shooting foam at your roommate "Jugs" and spend a night out with us, hunting real zombies. You want cardio? Try running for your life. Then come talk to me about serious shit.