Friday, November 6, 2009

Bringing About the Apocalypse. You're doing it RIGHT, Messrs. Gyllenhaal and Bruckheimer! - Miss War

Dear Friends,

I know on Fridays I usually preview the exciting (and/or questionable) movin' pictures that will grace the silver screen over the weekend. And this weekend definitely has a full slate of flicks.  Both the good: "Men Who Stare At Goats" and "A Christmas Carol" (just forget the fact that Halloween was barely a week ago), and the others: "The Fourth Kind" and "The Box."

But today I'd like to take a minute to honor a trailer that understands the true meaning of the word "apocalyptic."

And it's not 2012.  

I'm talking about this week's latest buzz-worthy trailer - "Prince of Persia."  (Watch here!)

(* This poster is not a joke.)

The trailer opens with dirty-gold fireworks bursting over Cinderella's Castle set to a dark, brooding score.  This caught my attention. "Pirates 4?  ALREADY? Sweet!"  But no.  All lies.  These explosions aren't from cannon balls.  In fact, I'm still not quite sure what these are supposed to be.

We then fly high above the world of a very dusty and very CGI'd Medieval Persia, and are given an overwrought mythology about a dagger and some time-traveling sand.  Cool. Got it.

But then the trailer lost me.  And it's not because the pervasive narration doesn't explain every. single. plot. beat.  'Cause it does.  No, the trailer lost me here because for the next 2 minutes and 20 seconds I could only see one thing... THAT WIG.

Now, the Apocalypse has not precluded my affinity for the doe-eyed Gyllenhaal in any way shape or form.  I still love him even after he went all Zombie-bot with that chick.  He was adorable in "Bubble Boy". Angsty, mysterious, and HOT in "Donnie Darko."  Apathetic and even HOTTER in "Jarhead."

So when you see the trailer, you'll understand my confusion.  I stopped watching and thought to myself, "What be this creature I see in the moving picture box?  It cannot be the beautiful Jake Gyllenhaal I know and love.  ...Can it?"

No.  No, Mr. Gyllenhaal.  I do not agree.  I will not accept your horribly stitched wig and sprayed-on-looking abs!


Sigh... if this movie doesn't cause the Apocalypse, I don't know what will.  (That's a lie.  I totally know.)

Peace, Love, and Movie Trailers
Miss War

PS:  Because I don't want to be a complete sourpuss, check out the NEW "Avatar" trailer.  Looks just as cool as the first, but this time it actually tells us what the movie's about!

Also, the "Salt" teaser hit the interwebs this week.  Angelina Jolie being badass?  You don't say...

1 comment:

  1. I feel a need to join you in your cry of anger here. Gyllenhaal should be flogged for this. In fact everyone responsible for this should be severely beaten with a bar of soap... Not that I'm a fan of the Prince of Persia games or anything. I just like to complain.