Thursday, November 19, 2009

Cha-Ching. New Moon's Predicted Fortune Spells A-P-O-C-A-L-Y-P-S-E. -Miss War

If there's one thing we Horsewomen do well, it's spot signs of the coming Apocalypse.  We're like rangers that way.  We sense danger. We can smell it in the sulfuric air.

And there's no better place to find signs than THE ALL KNOWING BOX OFFICE. (At least for me. I know Death likes to frequent department stores and fashion shows while sign watching.) 

And guys and ghouls, boy do we have a whopping sign flashing at us today:

Twilight Saga: New Moon looking at a $104.2 million opening weekend.


Three. Tiny. Little. Days. 

Not even a HOLIDAY weekend.

How, you ask, might a movie about a lip-biting girl and a sparkly vampire cause the world to scream "AH!" and just throw fistfuls of dollars at Summit Entertainment like the company was a high class stripper played by Christina Aguilera or Kristen Bell?

Is it Robert Pattinson's cocky coif?

Is it Kristen Stewart's sighing and throat clearing?

Is it Taylor Lautner's magic miracle grow abs?

Is it the "Forbidden Bad Boy loves me but doesn't make a move no matter how much I throw my naked body willingly and desperately onto his fangless lap" fantasy? (It only makes us want him more.)

There must be SOMETHING in Stephanie Meyers' Mormon Vegitarian Vampire tale that makes us swoon in unison. 

SOMETHING that's going to drive 13-year-old girls to the theater six or seven times before SATURDAY (and by 13-year-old girls, I mean myself, Death, Famine, Conquest, my sister, my mom, my best friend, the zombie-lady who lives next door, my alien boss, Nkchbu).

I'm going to make a wild accusation about what's behind this whole unsettling shebang (even though the movie contains NO banging of the she or he variety at all whatsoever).  Now bear with me.  It makes sense if you think about it:

Kristen Stewart and Stephanie Meyer sold their souls to the Devil.

I know, I know, I hear you.  "But Miss War.  Shouldn't that only affect THEM? How does it cause the Apocalypse?"

Duh.  Devil.  He likes to end the world even more than WE do.

So why am I not including RobPat or TayLaut in this little apocalyptic pact?

Cause let's face it, they're just eye candy.  We loves us some female gaze, yes we do. 

So, let me be the first to say it (who are we kidding... I'm like the 47th), when the title "New Moon" is suddenly tossed in with the likes of such family friendly, get-butts-in-the-seats titles as, "Spider Man," "Pirates of the Caribbean," "HARRY EFFING POTTER," run for the farthest hills and dig yourself a bloody bomb shelter, because the End is fucking NEAR.

*Don't believe me?  There have been 18,834 updated Tweets with the tag #newmoon since I started this post. 18,938.  20,103.


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