Monday, August 3, 2009

Miss Conquest - The Apocalyptic Bridal Shower

Hey Ladies and Gents (Zombies and Were-beings, of course),

I've just returned from one of the BEST Apocalyptic Bridal Showers I have ever been to. Admittedly, my experience with bridal showers to date has been slim (1 prior on my record.) But I must say, if this is how things are done, I'm into it.

Let's recap the fun.

Friday - The Bride travels back to her homeland (what's left of it) via public transit (which, even in its pre-apocalyptic form was hellish) and finds herself accosted by some deeply ghoulish-beings. One such ghoulish-being attacked her for 4 hours straight. The only intelligible words she could make out were "I'm studying acting at St. Francis Academy!" He then regaled her with what can accurately be described as "soul sucking scene study and popular movie quotes."

Just as the Bride-to-be was considering throwing in the towel and using the only weapon in site to gouge her eyes out (a dull spork) she feigned death and the ghoul moved on to other unsuspecting beings. Halle-fucking-lujah. That was a close one.

The Bride-to-be arrives at her destination reeking of sweat and humanity but with enough wits about her to deal with the devilish Banshee that is her mother (she didn't have the heart to do her in. Instead, she keeps Banshee Mumsy in the basement.)

Saturday - Hair and Makeup Trials:
Hair Trial Run - Massive Success. All systems go.
Makeup Trial Run - Epic Fail.
The makeup artist does all of the local drag queens.
Bride-to-be blames herself.

Bride-to-be stumbles home and uses a near-lethal combo of gasoline, astringent and a portable butane torch to remove layer upon layer of eye liner and glitter. Will this battle never end?

Saturday afternoon: The Mother-of-the-Bride-Banshee starts shrieking about chores that need doing. The bride-to-be climbs onto a low-hanging roof to clean out some damn stupid gutters wearing a shredded t-shirt and pornographically short shorts only to encounter a nest of vicious bees. Having undergone no fewer than 15 stings to the most vulnerable parts of her body, she strips naked and runs screaming through the yard. Zombie neighbors think little of it.

Sunday early-Morning - The swelling finally goes down.

Sunday mid-Morning - The sky blackens, the Heavens open, rain hits sideways. Sirens across town begin to blair. Two tornadoes sighted nearby. Bride-to-be has an honest-to-God Christian Bale moment. "OH GOOD."

Sunday early-Afternoon - Bride-to-be arrives at the appointed time of the Apocalyptic Bridal Shower having fought the hell showers of God's own fury. Fire and ice reign down for another 30 minutes. Skies clear and it's like it never happened. Bride realizes that all of the Bridal Shower invites have the wrong address listed on them. "OH GOOD. FUCKS SAKE, MAN!"

Sunday late-Afternoon - Shower goes splendidly well. Sun shines, happiness prevails. It was a perfect movie ending to a perfect apocalyptic day.

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