Saturday, August 1, 2009

Miss Death: Life's a Beach

Happy Saturday all of you beautiful, beautiful people!

I know what you’re all thinking – “Miss Death is in an uncommonly good mood today. Did she eat a cookie? Invite Mr. Grim Reaper back to the coffin last night (insert “boning” joke here)? SOMETHING is going on, and I sure hope there isn’t an earthquake scheduled in China anytime soon!”

Relax, friends, it’s none of those things. (Although I DID run into Grimmy on Sunset last night, but as if I’d EVER invite him back after what his scythe did to the lining of my lovely coffin last time. Never again, Grimmy. Never. Again.)

No, readers, I’m in this uncommonly chipper mood today because it’s AUGUST 1st! The official kick off to Vacation Month! I can already feel it – the UV rays bleaching my bones, giving me that “just dead” glow. The boys whistling at my skin-and-bones bikini body that I work SO hard to get (take THAT, Grimmy!) It’s just simply the BEST. MONTH. EVER.

Now, I’m aware that some things have changed since the Apocalypse hit. (Especially for you, Coloradans. How you liking than beach front property? Pretty nice, eh?) And this is what I want to talk to you all about today. Even before the Big A was upon us, we were already keen on “beach safety.” We were aware of the skin cancer dangers, the early-aging damage, the men in inappropriately tiny banana hammocks! But now things are so much WORSE so we have to be TWICE as careful.

You might have heard that the zombies have set up shop along the shoreline. Something about the mists of the crashing waves keeping their skin moist and…on their faces. So be sure that when you’re packing up that beach tote you throw in a light, but sharp machete. My fave is the Double Edge -- for obvious reasons. Zombie brain stems won't stand a chance!

For most of the day your normal SPFs (130-290) will work. And don’t forget the super stylish sunglasses, perfect for protecting your corneas AND secretly scoping out the talent. But for that Noon hour, when the solar flares erupt as they’re wont to do these days, you’ll need something a little stronger.

And as for those sharks with legs all crawling out of the ocean and stuff... I'm all for the beach sandals, but when you see one of THOSE suckers coming at you, you're going to want to have footwear that's a LITTLE more reliable.

Say you want to extend your beach excursion into the night. During the day (except for Noon of course) you’re good to go in your sexy suit and darling cover-up. But remember, beach towns are overrun by Vamps come nightfall, so you’re going to want that perfect scarf to obscure your beating vein lines. Why tempt fate?

That’s all for now folks. Enjoy your fun in the sun and as always, be safe! The sky IS falling out there, after all.

Ta ta and to die for,
Miss Death

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