Friday, August 21, 2009

MISS CONQUEST: 5 Apocalyptic Fighter Pilots to Fly You To Safety (and save you from loneliness)

Ladies, the Apocalypse might have cut the population down by…what is it now, 70%? But that doesn’t mean that there are less fish in the sea these days. Yes, I know I’ve had a rough time with the web dating lately (see: zombie boy), but who hasn’t? There are some real monsters out there!

But my recent failures have only fueled my fantasies about how this world of disaster might actually HELP my love life. So this afternoon I’m going to take a breather from the real dating world and instead dive into the REEL dating world. As I lie back on my reupholstered lounge chair that Miss Famine so kindly rescued and restored for me, and take a sip of my Toxic Waste Martini, I imagine being saved from a giant tsunami and whisked away to safety by one of these FIVE hunky apocalyptic fighter pilots:

#5. Maverick – While Maverick’s hotshot, high flying skills haven’t been tested since Pre-Apocalyptic times, I wouldn’t think twice about take a ride with him right into the Danger Zone!

#4. Malcolm (Mal) Reynolds – The yummy “Firefly” hero only had one short season to show us his stuff – but boy was he made of some delicious rebellious charm served up with a side of quotable snarktastic remarks. With Mal at the helm, you’ll never have to worry about being eaten by an evil Reaver.
(*Note: One of the reasons The Fox Network didn’t survive the Apocalypse was because they canceled God Whedon’s work of genius. Just sayin.)

#3. Han Solo – The ORIGINAL Apocalyptic Fighter Pilot. ‘Nuff said.

“You like me because I'm a scoundrel. There aren't enough scoundrels in your life.”

Indeed there aren’t, Han. Indeed there aren’t…

#2. Harry S. Stamper COMBINED with Korben Dallas – Yes, I KNOW Stampler is an oil driller. And Korben Dallas is a cab driver (and former soldier, might I remind you!). But with asteroid showers on the rise, and Evil dooers like Mr. Zorg running as rampant as Reavers these days, if you put the two together, there’s no one sexier, I mean better, to save the world...

#1. Captain Steve Hiller – Except THIS GUY. Now, Will Smith has made a career out of saving the world - at least three times from aliens, once from zombies, and once from robots. And don’t forget about his stint as a gen-u-ine superhero. In fact, this man has saved so many lives that he IS the first step in surviving the Apocalypse. He’s not only big, strong, handsome and impossibly charming… he’s gosh darn Armageddon-PROOF.

But Captain Steve Hiller? Well, when he punches out that final alien and lights up his cigar, you won’t even care that the fat lady is hitting those high C’s because you’ll be safe in his arms, watching the world burn around you.

And THAT is why he’s our #1 Apocalyptic Fighter Pilot.

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