Wednesday, September 2, 2009

News Flash: Zombie Bites Off Protester's Finger! Good Thing He's Got Universal Healthcare! ...wait a minute. -- Miss Conquest

Breaking News:  A 65-year-old man's pinkie is bitten off during a healthcare rally.  "Police don't know who bit the man's finger off, but they're investigating the incident."

Well they may not know who the biter is, but I have a good guess...

It was a ZOMBIE!

This is not a drill, all you Southern California boys and girls!  The Zombies are coming to a rally near you and they're HUNGRY!

In these dark times, we live among many creatures and monsters.  They're our friends, neighbors, teachers and town leaders (I cannot believe that Iowa just elected Frankenstein as their governor.  I mean, I know they were jealous that California has a robot running things, but seriously.  When will people learn that a movie career does not necessarily have to lead to a career in politics?).

But what kind of survival guide would we be if we didn't keep you updated when friendly monsters ATTACK? 

Apparently the Zombie was triggered by...



Now, don't get me wrong, healthcare is a serious issue.  But I can't for the life (or death) of me figure out WHY a re-animated CORPSE would be so up-in-arms (and fingers) about HEALTHCARE!

But that's not the point here.  Tonight in The Valley (of COURSE in The Valley.  Don't they have enough to deal with???  Helloooo.  McFly. You're on FIRE!) an incensed Zombie BIT OFF a dude's finger. 


(You can't make this shit up, people!)

But in all seriousness, readers, please stay indoors and stay safe tonight.  We are under a Code Orange Zombie Attack.

And please NOTE:  The Zombies have changed their diet AND their politics.  Even if you're brainless, they will still come after you -- You're just too finger lickin' good to pass up!

Mmmm, tasty!
Miss Conquest

PS:  When you google "finger images" you get some really weird shit.

1 comment:

  1. My pinkie, my pinkie, my kingdom for a pinkie but I guess he has that terrible Medicare a “Single-payer health care insurance” what a hypocrite. Did the little pinkie cry "Wee-wee-wee!" all the way home? It real should have been his right pinky finger that would have been a better story. They are haters not debaters.