Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Homeless Where the Heart is - Miss Famine

There's a wee bit of controversy surrounding the American Girl company these days.

Meet their newest doll.  

Her name is Gwen.  And she's homeless. 

So American Girl wants to be inclusive and "teach kids."  They want to open young girls' eyes to all walks of life.  (Never mind that Gwen is really just a bleeding heart accessory for the REAL protagonist of the story: CHRISSA. Chrissa??? Really? Did we run out of REAL names, American Girl?)  

That's all well and good but the rest of the world seems to think that the American Girl company is missing the big picture here.  They've built an empire on creating various dolls that every little girl can look at and say, "Hey! She's JUST like me!"  (Forget that my girlhood doll was Kirsten, the Swedish immigrant doll, who was NOTHING like me.  Because you know, she's from Sweden.  And I'm from the bowels of Hell.)

But with Gwen, they seem to be missing the mark.  It's not that there aren't a tragically high number of homeless little girls in this country who might see something of themselves in Gwen.  Or that they don't deserve a doll of their own.  It's that this little homeless doll costs $95.


The real victim of this scandal is none other than Little Miss Gwen herself, a helpless pawn in a horrible battle between the capitalistic company and shocked critics.  Poor Gwen doesn't ask much of us.  Where Chrissa needs a party table, warm up suit, swim gear, pajamas, snow gear, and a pet llama, all Gwen needs is your friendship.  And maybe a home cooked meal.

So that's why I'd like to take a moment to name Gwen an Honorary Horsewoman of the Apocalypse. Not only is she a survivor, but like all good Horsewomen, she survives with impeccable style.  Look at her cute and easy-breezy sundress. And her adorable flip flops. She's the epitome of California-Cool.  AND she's resourceful -- that pink belt doubles as a headband! (And a weapon if necessary.)  Just cause girlfriend doesn't have a hovel doesn't mean she doesn't have class.  In fact, she seems WAY classier than that greedy Chrissa.  Chrissa wouldn't stand a chance in a nuclear winter if you took away her "snow gear."  But ten bucks (or maybe 95) says Gwen would.  Would Chrissa be willing to slaughter that cute little llama when she ran out of food?  Gwen would.  Bet she would even know how to slice it open and huddle inside for warmth.  In the words of Beyonce, Gwen's a survivor!  And that's why we think she's cool.

All this American Girl Power talk brings me to my latest and greatest idea.  I, Miss Famine, would like to petition the American Girl Doll company imploring them to create a doll that yours truly can identify with: Apocalypse Girl.  She'd have some kick-ass survival accessories: A machete, automatic rifle, flares, stakes, a sub-zero parka. And she'd have a pet zombie.  That she trained to play fetch.  I would love my Apocalypse Girl and play with her every day, dressing her up for different occasions (and extreme weather conditions).  

And she would come with a book that tells HER story.  Like Kirsten, who lost many loved ones to cholera, we'd learn that Apocalypse Girl lost almost everyone in the barrage of asteroid showers, zombie attacks, disease, nuclear war, and/or other horrors that brought about the End of Times.  We'd learn how she prevailed and survived Doomsday to become one the most revered heroines of her time.  It would be a tale of tragedy and triumph.  I would laugh.  I would cry.  And then I would go back to playing with her accessories (because they're the best part).

Readers, I kindly ask you to sign my petition by commenting below, and maybe soon Apocalypse Girl will be make her debut in an American Girl store near you!!

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