Friday, September 25, 2009

A Night at the Apocalypse: Movie Preview - Miss War

Once again the Apocalyptic Force is strong in the new movies coming out this week.  I'm not sure if it's something in the water or the air or the rivers of fiery sulfur,  but every release seems show all signs pointing towards the End.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm kinda excited.  In fact, things are getting so ominous and doomsday-y (and we KNOW Sony and Roland Emmerich are planning something MONUMENTAL for their super-fab 2012), that I think it's time to start rating these things threat-level style.  YAY, color coding!

CODE GREEN (Low threat of actually causing the Apocalypse): THE BOYS ARE BACK

The Gist: Clive Owen takes on the task of raising two sons on his own, one young and one teenager (from an earlier marriage), when his beloved wife suddenly dies. 
The Prophecy:  Touching? Maybe.  Cheesy and predictable? Possibly.  Adorable? Boy, I hope so.  Safe? As a lead mountain bunker designed to protect world leaders and celebrities during an asteroid shower.

CODE BLUE (Guarded risk of bringing about the end of the world as we know it): PARANORMAL ACTIVITY
The Gist: An independent ghost thriller about a couple convinced their new house is haunted.  They decide to document the nocturnal occurrences and are shocked at the horror that they discover.  Limited release (but pointedly NOT New York and LA). 
The Prophecy: While this EXORCIST meets BLAIR WITCH PROJECT totally messes with this couple's life, the Horsewomen find this supposedly "terrifying" paranormal activity just part of the normal day-to-day.  Human audiences, however, should be scared witless and potentially pee their pants.  Either way, this is *Miss War's Best Bet of the Weekend!*

CODE YELLOW (Elevated threat of Doomsday results after seeing this movie): PANDORUM
The Gist: Dennis Quaid and Ben Foster play a pair of astronauts who awake on their spaceship to find that they are the only crew members on board.  Not only that, but they have amnesia!   In true sci-fi thriller fashion, they quickly discover that "they are not alone."  (Oooooooo.  Twist!)
The Prophecy: Hey! How did movie bosses know what I did last weekend?!  Don't you worry Ben and Dennis, it's probably just your friends playing an uber-mean practical joke on you after you passed out from too many tequila shots. (Thanks a lot, Conquest.  Bitch.)

CODE ORANGE (High probability of Fire and Brimstone chasing you out of the theater): SURROGATES
The Gist:  "In a world" where everyone has a "surrogate" robot of themselves to go out and live life for them, someone messes with the "system" and people start dying while logged into the "system."  Only the real Bruce Willis (not "Bruce Willis," the surrogate robot with weird hair), can save them.  Obviously. 
The Prophecy: We think this movie's premise warrants too many "ironic quotes" for it NOT to be apocalyptic.  And while synthetic biology/human-nanobot hybrids are a serious issue (and the front runner for my vote for the apocalypse), we can't help but wonder if SURROGATES is just Bruce Willis seeing "fake people."

CODE RED (WARNING! WARNING! This WILL cause the destruction of the fabric of the Universe!) : FAME
The Gist: 29 years after the original film and exceptional television adaptation, Hollywood felt compelled to remake FAME for the "High School Musical" generation.
The Prophecy: WHYYYYYYYYYY?!!?? Why remake this? Why set it in a NYC that isn't nearly as dirty, crazy, and just plain weird as NYC circa 1980?  What good can come of this?  Nothing short of catastrophic, that's what. This might as well star Zac Efron (and I LIKE Zac Efron!).  And it's not just us.  According to critics, he awesome deeply bizarreness of the musical theater scene of 1980's New York can't possibly be replicated in this You Tube driven, Hannah Montana world setting.  Even the posters look like iPod ads!


BRIEF  INTERVIEWS WITH HIDEOUS MEN - The only sign of the apocalypse in this movie is director John Krasinski's recent engagement to PRADA actress Emily Blunt.  Sorry Ladies.  

CAPITALISM: A LOVE STORY - I think we all know Michael Moore's deal by now.  

COCO BEFORE CHANEL - Strong reviews and the ever-adorable Audrey Tautou?  Why not!?

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